Stubborn 4 year old

[HettyMeg]

I'm really struggling with our very headstrong 4 year old. More often than not she will just not get dressed when asked or use the loo. She is very smart and capable and been potty trained for ages, so it's not about lack of ability, it's just her personality but it is infuriating at times.

We generally try to use natural consequences, but it's ineffectual here because she makes out that she doesn't care if we don't go out / do the activity etc.
Any advice?

Bump

Solidarity. I have one the same, plus a three year old who’s even worse. Literally everything is a bribe and I am totally burnt out by them!! IlL watch in hope of advice!

Not everything needs to be a natural consequence. If my 4 year old doesn’t get his shoes on and get out the door when I tell him to, the natural consequence is one royally fucked off mother which he obviously doesn’t want. Decide a consequence for her not listening to you and follow through with it.

If she’s toilet trained then let her decide for herself when she needs a pee. Don’t badger her.

How is she in School or Childcare? Does she follow instructions there?

I feel your pain, it's exhausting. I am so drained with it most days.

She wouldn't go for hours though - I don't want her to get an infection

Good as gold apparently! Only us parents experience this....

@HettyMeg Some 4 year olds are dry overnight and it doesn’t cause infections. My DS had a bladder of steel and could last hours - never had an infection. If she needs to go, she’ll go.

This sounds like you're nagging her to go when she doesn't need to rather than she's wetting herself?

I think this one might be on you.

The natural consequence of not getting dressed is going out in your PJ's, not staying at home.

I think at 4 they can go for far longer than you think between wees. If you think she does actually need a wee, she’s showing signs of wanting to go but she’s reluctant, have you tried giving her something she has to concentrate on to do instead? It’s incredibly hard to focus when you need a wee and she might just realise that she needs to go

She won’t get an infection. My 4 year old has done record breaking 7 hour stretches without a pee. He’s fine. He’s been dry through the night since before the age of 2 as well. That’s 12 hours without peeing every single night and he’s fine. You need to leave her alone about it because when you pester young kids about things like that they will (quite rightly!) dig their heels in and then the lines become blurred when they really have to listen to you. She’s tuning you out because you’re nagging her.

Say it like you mean it and have consequences for the things that actually matter, not pestering her to go to the toilet.

The more you tell them to do something, the more some kids resist

So, stop.

We’re going through this at the moment and have found “making things fun” the only way. If I say “put your clothes on” it’s a hard no. If I say “im
going to close my eyes and I BET those clothes won’t have moved and you won’t be wearing them”. Close eyes, wait for her to frantically and excitedly dress herself and then give it the old “oh my goodness how has this happened?!”. She thinks it’s the funniest thing ever. Another example of”shoes on please” hasn’t worked the first 5 times. So it’s suddenly “now where does that shoe go, does it go on your elbow?!” And then fake try to put the shoe on her elbow and pantomime act like I’m very confused that it isn’t working. Then knees. Then nose. She very quickly says “no, silly mummy, like this!” And puts shoes on. With the toilet, instead of asking say, there’s a turtle in the toilet and I want you to pee on its head!!! Etc etc

It’s exhausting always having to put on a show/act. But it’s much easier than arguing.

The toilet thing I agree with others, she'll go when she needs to so I'd just drop that battle entirely.

We had a child dropped at school in pyjamas once, her mum never had to ask her twice again after that!