Tips for bedtime battles and defiance with my nearly six year old

[Hesmoremyselfthaniam]

Advice please.

DD nearly 6. Has always been held to sleep or someone laid with her. Usually sleeps through.

She is headstrong, always got an answer for everything, hyperactive and defiant (also lots of wonderful qualities too 😆). She shows some traits of adhd or odd but no diagnosis or anything.

Bedtime is such a battle at the moment to get her to relax and sleep. We don't do bath before bed as this is stimulating for her. We play in her room for 30 mins or so , offer stories, offer lullabies but she just won't relax. Always 'just has to do something' , throws tantrums, becomes physical and aggressive. She will eventually sleep but I feel like I'm so negative with her - constantly telling her off, threatening taking things away. She wants us to be in the room and goes mad when we leave but won't relax whilst we're there 😩

Really struggling with the defiance - often she will just say 'no' or 'I'm not doing that'. It's so hard to know how to handle.

Any tips?

I try to frame things objectively to reduce demands like 'it's time for pjs' rather than please put on pjs. We have a tick list on the wall of bedtime routine - wee, teeth, pjs etc.

At what time does she go to bed? What time does she have dinner? Maybe it is too early for her?
Move the focus and attention away from her. You have dinner as a family, then maybe, she can play as you tidy the kitchen , then all the family sits on sofa and armchairs reading books. You can read a book to her or next to her. You have a quiet house. Then you go up, and you get ready for bed, getting changed. Then you say, I am so tired, let’s all go to bed. You don’t make demands, you are soft and gentle. As you help her, pulling the curtains and such, you say, today was a good day, I enjoyed chatting with you what did you like about your day. Then you ask if she would like a last book in bed. Then how many goodnight kisses .

A key aspect would be to have a broken tv for a week. Just unplug it. Screens make a massive difference in excitability. Keep phones in a drawer and ipads in the car. Go to the library and take as many books on all the family cards as possible.

If after a week of no screens at all and new routine, in the weekend, you talk at breakfast, and together you design a strategy not a checklist. People go to bed on their own and sleep in their own bed. Ask her, how do you want to do it. She gives suggestions, to some you say, I love that , you are so clever, to the ones that are not acceptable, you say, hum, not so sure about this one, let’s think some more.

When mine are wound up I semi grey rock them. So they'll try to go off on a tangent conversation to stall, and my reply is the same - 'it's sleepy time now, we'll talk about X in the morning'. And repeat until they give up. The exception would be that they raise something from the day that needs addressing, but usually it's general questions. Super calm energy.

I would try having a bath earlier & letting her have a good long play in there with her bath toys. Then dry off, pj's on, warm drink and quiet time. Cuddle on the sofa and read some books together. Ignore any defiance, she is just trying to get a rise out of you to prolong bedtime. When you go up, brush teeth and last cuddle in bed, kiss goodnight and lights out. Leave her door open and a nightlight if she needs it. Then I would stay upstairs and busy yourself tidying up the bathroom or folding clothes etc so she knows you're around. If she calls out or gets out of bed, take her back to bed and say it's time for sleep now. Don't be drawn into any conversation. Just keep repeating until she falls asleep. You will have to be strong and stick to it but if you do, she'll be going to sleep on her own in a week to two weeks. The short term pain is worth it for the long term gain - it sounds like she's been running rings around you until now!

Have you tried less time in the room before sleep? Maybe playing in the living room rather than bedroom, because bedroom is for sleep not playing in the evenings? Then into bed, 1 story, then sleep.

Couldn’t do baths with one of mine either, it was far too stimulating.

I wouldn’t exactly recommend my bedtime routine from that age, but I’ll share it in the cause of solidarity.

We had an hour of screen time, after dinner, then moved upstairs around 7. PJs, hair teeth, read a book or a chapter, then we had about an hour of bedroom play time. I sat upstairs tidying, folding laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, whatever, available but mostly ignoring and being ignored unless I had to intervene in very rowdy play. Then around 8.30 it was bedtime, which meant physically getting into bed, and either reading or writing (I had a diarist for a while).

I think the fact that there was always a bit of leeway worked to counteract the defiance - they went upstairs but not straight to bed, they went to bed but not straight to sleep, etc.

I just accepted that I was up there from 7-9.30 and didn’t fight it.