Anyone else anxious about having a second child after first baby?

[Cherrytree696]

Hello!

I am 18 months post partum with a baby boy. I always wanted at least 2 children and to be honest I think I still do but my mind keeps going to the what ifs.

What if my son doesn't cope.
What if there is something medically wrong with my new baby.
What if I can't be a good mother to my son because I've spread myself too thin.
What if it's twins.
I didn't enjoy my first pregnancy, what if I don't enjoy my second. (I had a lot of morning sickness).

Can anyone help to reframe my thinking? I am an only child and I was so excited for a larger family for my little one. My husband has a sibling but they don't get on. He is happy with 1 and says he would be happy with 2 if I wanted 2.

I was but for slightly different reasons..I took was an only child, absolutely hated it, completely wrapped in cotton wool. By the time I was 13, I had decided I was going to have 6. Naively got pregnant at 18(1969 you got married) he had already asked me, I was besotted! Was ill for 6 months, vomiting night and day, moved to London with his job. He was horrible, ignored me,health visitor, midwife not interested... just "normal" pregnancy sickness. Then pre eclampsia, hospitalised. Baby ll breach,CS booked. I went into labour,nurses were horrible.panic ensued late at night,no surgeon! 10 days in hospital, treatment was so bad, I called my GP, she came to the hospital, wasn't allowed in,the. Matron had a serious go at me. I swore id never have anymore. I was in hospital having major abdominal surgery at Easter. We had bought a caravan for weekends, holidays to get away from London. He went back to work (manager of jewellery shop we lived above) there had been a burglary, the 3rd, not insured, she shut down down immediately. LA wouldn't house us,so we moved into the caravan. This is 1971, a caravan, not a heated park home,no space or money for more DK. 5 years savings, plus selling the caravan,first house. We wanted more kids. DD was 7,ds born. Dreadful sickness,high BP hospitalised a month bed rest side room because I was staff, which I hated. Ds 2 born 4 years later. In the 70s 80s maternity pay was 6 weeks after birth. I went back to work bf. Working nights if ex h did days visa versa . I had one MC between the boys. Second DH,no kids,39, one MC, baby 41, easiest pregnancy and birth. So that was my 6. I went through an unexpected and fast menopause at 42. Kids all get on brilliantly,age gap of 21 years between the girls.

I was. Couldn’t even contemplate it until DC1 was 3, then took another 4 years to get pregnant. Pregnancy was awful both times and I remember sitting sobbing when I was 8mo pregnant with DC2, wishing we’d never gone for it because I was in so much pain from being pregnant (PGP and horrible stretch marks). But I’m so glad we did - despite them being harder work than DC1 by quite some way, I wouldn’t change them or our situation for the world and have absolutely no regrets.

I think these are all normal (good!) things to think about. I have had similar thoughts. It's also true that there is no guarantee that your kids will be close/lifelong friends, although even if they're not they'll have someone with a shared upbringing, which I think is helpful in life.

What if my son doesn't cope.

Obviously it will be an adjustment, but I think there are ways to help prepare him. Lots of talking about what's going to happen, lots of reassurance about how much you love him, trying to get him involved as much as possible, spending one on one time after baby is born. Most kids adjust ok, so there's no reason to think your son won't (unless you see something specific that makes you suspect he might find it especially hard?)

What if there is something medically wrong with my new baby.

Always a risk. It was a risk with your first, too. There is additional testing you can do if you need reassurance/if you are sure you would tfmr (but it still won't 100% guarantee that there's nothing wrong).

What if I can't be a good mother to my son because I've spread myself too thin.

Billions have done it. You'll work things out.

What if it's twins.

Not hugely likely unless you have risk factors (older mother, IVF, twins run in the family through the maternal line (i.e. your mum/sister/gran had twins).

I didn't enjoy my first pregnancy, what if I don't enjoy my second. (I had a lot of morning sickness).

I also don't enjoy pregnancy. It's a means to an end. No guarantees that your first pregnancy will be the same as your first, but equally it might be worse. Definitely something to consider.

It's all a bit of a gamble, OP!

We've just had our second and had a lot of these thoughts. It's ultimately just weighing up the pros/cons or benefits/risks for your family. What makes you want to have a second?

For each of your questions, there is already a positive reframe:

What if my son doesn't cope. → What if they end up loving each other, playing together and learning to share? Most kids need to adjust to a sibling, but "not coping" is quite extreme. It will probably work out better than you think!

What if there is something medically wrong with my new baby. → What if it's a perfectly healthy baby? What do you look forward to? Every pregnancy has its risks (as did your last one), you just need to decide if you can go through it again.

What if I can't be a good mother to my son because I've spread myself too thin. → What if you end up thriving because you have the family you realise you always wanted? Is your husband/family supportive? Do you have options to change work patterns for example to make it more manageable if necessary?

What if it's twins. → You said you wanted at least 2 children 😉
But seriously, twins are unlikely if they don't run in your family or you're not having any fertility treatment. You would also find out very early on and have time to plan and prepare accordingly.

I didn't enjoy my first pregnancy, what if I don't enjoy my second. (I had a lot of morning sickness).→ What if it goes better? Is a rough pregnancy enough of a reason for you not to grow your family?

We were keen for our first child to have a sibling. My second pregnancy was fine, but it was tiring looking after a toddler. My partner took over bath time and most bedtimes, especially towards the end. It was hard to consider the transition, how our first would cope with less attention, etc. We're only 2 weeks in but we're doing okay so far and are looking forward to life as a family of 4. We also know that our family is complete now and we have no desire for a third!

I felt the same as yourself OP. My main concern was not giving my son our full attention. It broke my heart to think it could make him feel like he wasnt number one! We have waited, now my DS is 3 and I feel like I have soaked up and treasured all of his baby years 🥰.

We tried for another briefly when he turned 3 and it didnt work...we were fine with that and will likely try again soon! (Only thing stopping us now is we've booked a holiday, I had some pregnancy related health issues and a very premature birth, so we are holding off to prevent any complications) He is sociable and would likely love a sibling.
Im only speaking for myself, its done us no harm in waiting. Treasure what you have and if you do try for another, it will all work out!

On the other hand, I have friends and family that have had 2 babies close together, to keep the age gap small! And this has worked for them too! The only thing I've noticed is, they have said it was a huge struggle with a young child and baby....but they got on with it and thrived!

I think if you have any doubt, maybe wait a month and weigh up the pros and cons ! The smaller the age gap, the more likely they are to be close and entertain each other! But, if you want to spend more 1 on 1 time with your little one, do it and dont feel bad either! Theres so much pressure once you've had your first to have another!

Also...If you wait until your child is in reception at school, you might not feel as guilty spending 1 on 1 time with new baby while they are in school 🥰

Ive probably not helped, but my view is just enjoy your baby and dont feel pressured. Only have one more when you are ready 🥰

All of your concerns are totally reasonable, OP. Every pregnancy is a step into the unknown really, and only you and your partner can decide if the potential upsides outweigh the potential risks.

IME, having more than one is great - but that’s entirely subjective. I have 22m between my first two, and same gap again between two and three. Pregnancy is horrible and I’ve vomited throughout the whole thing every time, which makes me feel guilty for being a less good mum, but other than that it’s been great.

I have two sons, but wanted a bigger age gap, at least 4-5 years. I saw too much competitiveness between siblings closer in age. There is 6 years between mine and they couldn't be closer and always have been. My older son is now 21 and studying abroad, younger 15 year old is messaging him all the time and they love doing stuff together during the holidays. They are torally different in personality. Ultimately you don't get any guarantees whether siblings will get on. I would never have a second child just to give the first one a sibling. I know many only children, myself included, who never had a problem with it.