Slipping through my fingers

[KiddyMcKiddly]

Can anyone else relate to this feeling I have? My eldest is 17 and off to Uni in September.
In many ways, he is utterly amazing. In many other ways he is so so young, naive, foolish, disorganised, easily led etc.
When he was born (what seems like a few months ago), I looked forward to this time, that I would have feelings of pride and "job done" but instead I am more anxious for him than I have ever been, and I feel like somewhere in the last five years I missed the chance to "finish" him. It feels like he is slipping away from my influence before I have been able to teach him everything he needs to be prepared for adult life.
Is it normal to feel as I do or have I messed up the last bit of parenting?

I’m not there yet….but I imagine I will feel much the same as you, and I imagine it’s normal.

Hopefully some other posters will have actual experience of it.

The thing is... You can't teach them everything. You didn't live as a young adult in these times. They have to learn from their own experiences and those of their peers. You just make sure you are always there to listen and often advice .

He will learn as he goes at uni , my ds never took any interest when I tried to teach him how to cook , got to uni experimented with all kinds of recipes and enjoys it too . Same with money if they spend it all quickly they will soon realise being skint isn’t fun . Just be there for advice and bits of bailing out as they learn but not constantly.

Feel exactly the same. Mine is 19 in first year in college commuting as it not far away. Fabulous, funny and intelligent. Also easily lead, naive, sees no bad in anyone . Refuses to take advice now he is a man. Hard to see him make mistakes but feel it best to say I am here if you need me!

I know what you mean OP.
But I don’t think we ever feel that we’ve “done our job”. I’m 58 and my Mum still worries about me!

You just have to be happy that you did the ground work when they were young and they will remember it. My youngest was like your DS but once he moved out and had to fend for himself he grew up quickly

(Only) DD is back from uni for easter. Grown up so much since I dropped her off in Oct! I'm so proud of her. You even get used to them being away etc. It is a big change though

Dd forbids me from playing that Abba song though

Most of them are back from uni fairly frequently - holidays are long.
Mine is now back living at home 2 years after graduation as he is saving for a mortgage. According to this article, he is far from alone - 35% of 20-35 year old males still live at home!!
BBC News - One in three young men now live with their parents, ONS data shows - BBC News
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ce3578g32d0o
And he still needs help and advice 🙂

Mine all knew better than me from the age of about five. Teaching them to do almost anything was impossible. They 'picked up stuff' by watching or asking questions but if I tried to actually teach them anything I'd be met by sighing, eye-rolling, retreating to bedrooms etc.

However, they are all now in the thirties and fully rounded, finished humans who have managed to avoid starving, losing all their money, losing valuable possessions etc and have bought houses, got married, had children.

Sometimes you have to let them do it themselves. If they want your advice they can ask but to be honest they get most of what they need to know from their peers.

I wept buckets for a week after dd went to uni. I worried myself sick over how she was coping. She was fine, coped much better than I was.

Last bit of parenting? Dont kid yourself it goes on forever in different ways. Don't be sad at whats not been completed but be happy about what has. He will be fine and come to big style in new surroundings and company. You'll always be his mum!

That song brings tears to my eyes just at the mention of it but don’t worry @Julimia is quite right, this is definitely not your last bit of parenting (she says with two 30+ year olds upstairs, they come to you when they need you no matter how old they are......... but also there for you when you need them)!

You don't need to teach him everything because he will learn it on his own. I didn't teach my son anything much before uni and yet he's a fully functioning adult. They become independent adults, yet they are soon on the phone asking random questions when they need to, at least mine was and still is though he's left uni now. It's just another stage, not the end.

Go listen to the ABBA song (I like Meryl Streeps movie version) that'll make you sob 😭

I remember bawling my eyes out at the cinema with that song! At the time my daughter had left home and I had the empty nest thing with bells on! This was despite having a great husband, an interesting and rewarding job and loads of interests and hobbies. Nothing however prepared me for that feeling.

But, as others have said, they always need you. We're at a different stage now - being grandparents and we moved nearer to them at my daughter's request - so I see loads of her and the children. Easter was amazing with Easter egg hunts here, and loads of day trips out to zoos, historic castles, seaside and nature reserves.

If you're lucky, then you get out what you put in - with a close relationship and a shoulder for them to cry on or ask advice. Or just be boring mum to be there in a non judgemental way!

Would he be up for an experience like Camp America in the summer? It may be a little late to apply, though.

Or a gap year with a good deal of supervised volunteering?

Thanks everyone. I was struck with such a wave of nostalgia and loss recently. It feels like it's all coming to an end. Of course I know he will still be in my life, but I guess not knowing what shape it will all take makes it hard to look forward to the next stage.
My son is getting very annoyed with all the hugs I keep springing on him.