Help, 9YO gained 10lb at dads over Easter (7days!)

[Kmd09]

I have been separated from the kids dad since they were 8 months and 2yo. We’ve always had a pretty amicable relationship. He sees them when he wants etc.
when they were little that wasn’t often but now they’re older they go for longer periods of time . Which is highlighting all the problems at dads house that don’t matter when it was every other weekend .

No bedtime routine (even though they both had bedtime routines when he left he just needed to follow and was advised by nursery to.) My daughter comes home looking like she’s been dig up, and recently has needed a day off school 3 weeks in a row she’s so run down after getting home .

They all share a room, he lives at home with his parents (47). They have a bedroom he’s just never fully sited it or enforced ‘bedtime’ .

The usual, he lets them watch whatever they wanted

But my main concern is that every time my son has a longer stay (5-7 days) he comes home 7-10lbs heavier…

He’s had stomach issues and I’ve had all the conversations with his dad. Kindly, firmer, informatively. But nothing works .

His dad is also pre diabetic and has some condition in his feet from his weight. He actively admits he’s depressed , but can’t see what he’s doing to his kids.

i feel now , my son is 9 years old and he’s now 8at 13. He’s 5ft , so he’s tall. But he looks so swollen, and he’s uncomfortable. Keeps joking about his belly. He commented on a pic of himself earlier about how ‘slim’ he was. He’s 9 😭😭

I really feel I need to stop these longer stays? I’ve evidenced all our convo’s . He doesn’t like to talk like grown ups, so often on big things like this I’ll text and ask him to call when he’s ready. So I can show how hard I’ve tried to get him to take his children’s health seriously .

My daughter’s anxious. With how she can do what she wants, then is asked not to tell me . Then wordier I’ll think she’s ‘bad’. Even though I reassure her I’d wanna do those things if someone let me at that age too! Not to worry. But she is! They’ve enough to navigate being kids nowadays without their adults not putting them first being an issue.

Advice grateful please 🙏🏼

I'd have no idea how much my children weigh. Not since regular visits to the health visitor as newborns! Perhaps putting the scales away and focusing on getting them outdoors and playing (exercising) more would be a better approach. I'm not sure how you help get the other parent on board with that though 😬

How do you know how much weight he has gained?

Do you weigh him?

Yeah, OP, that’s seriously weird: you weighed them before and after?

I do understand your concerns though. How often are they going for these long visits?

Surely this is why he's talking about his weight.. cos you're being an oddball and giving him issues! Who weighs their children from week to week??

Why are you weighing them?!

My daughter’s anxious. With how she can do what she wants, then is asked not to tell me .

Adult A asking a child to keep secrets from Adult B is ringing all my safeguarding alarm bells. That their father is telling his kids not to tell you how badly he neglects them, dressed up as "letting them do what they want", tells me that he knows fully well that how he treats them is wrong.

I think you are well within your rights to want them to spend less time there.

Also, stop weighing your kids. It will give them eating disorders

Are you weighing them because it's happened before and you wanted your suspicions confirmed? It's unlikely your boy has gained that much actual weight in that time, but he could be constipated causing some of the weight and the sore stomach if he's had no fibre in his diet for several days. Plenty of fluids and a healthy diet for a few days should settle it down.

I think you need to sort this with your ex without involving the kids where possible as otherwise they will feel like piggy in the middle which is not good for them..

I'm also concerned about the room sharing, in the long run that isn't appropriate.

Do you have any contact with your ex's parents? Might you get through to them better than him? If not, then if there is a lack suitable sleeping arrangements, poor quality food, and no exercise happening, then I would seek to reduce overnight stays. At the end of the day, kids come first and whilst shared parenting might in general be the ideal, sometimes it isn't.

If I've calculated it correctly, your son is obese at only 9years old. This really is a problem. I do agree with the others that you shouldn't be weighing him, at that weight, it should be clear to see by eye how overweight he is.

Definitely focus on healthy eating habits, hydration and exercise with him, and to be honest, I'd probably seek some advice from your local surgery nurse, in relation to them coming home so much heavier after being at dads (if the long stays with him must continue).

Are you in a position to be able to restrict visits to dad to EoW only?

Thanks for all your responses .

I don’t constantly weigh my children, no. It was really obvious at Christmas because his school trousers wouldn’t fasten. And we’ve recently been doing a bit of morning Qi Gong so the scales were already in the kitchen and he’s jumped on.

Over the years we’ve had several investigations with the doctors about his stomach issues. I’ve always suspected that it was fully down to what he was eating at his dad’s house, but after sending food diaries and constant conversations about it, nothing has changed.

As you say, it is incredibly obvious with the visual eye. However, reducing contact is major and obviously I wanted to make sure that I had whatever evidence I need. Let’s not make me weighing them the issue, he get weighed twice a year max.
My daughter is never on the scales. Two very different children, she’s petite and a slower eater.

He’s like me, and we’ll eat whatever he’s put in front of him. And clearly, there’s not much thought going into what’s been putting in front of him. I’ve spoken to his mother several times over the years. She just do the majority of the cooking. But I think it sounds like it’s the snacking, constant sweets, bagels and cheese boards that are the issue.

There are quite a lot of concerns here, mentally and physically.

What help is your comment?
don’t you think mum’s have enough shit going on without other mums having a go to.

No, I don’t weigh my children week to week . We given the fact he came back at Christmas and couldn’t fasten his pants, I thought it best to subtly check.

I don’t think anyone can gain that level of weight in a week o am not sure it’s actually possible. There must be more to it

I really feel for you. I'd be going mad. But ultimately this is all really crap parenting. Not dangerous. And so you can't justify interfering with it.

Could he be constipated because of the poor diet at dad’s? Even pregnant women don’t gain that much in a week.

I think you need to calm down a little bit. He definitely hasn't gained 10lb of fat in a week, that is physically impossible.

It's most likely water weight and bloating caused by a different diet for a week and his known stomach issues. The number will drop back down to his normal weight within a week of being back to his regular diet.

The only thing you can do is a model a healthy diet when he's with you, which is the majority of the time.