How do we ask our adult son to move out?

[Panto66]

My adult son moved back in just over 12 months ago having split with his partner. They have children who we adore.

We have had many years of issues with our son growing up and living with him again is making life very difficult.

He has the children at our house most weekends. He spends a lot of time on his phone instead of engaging with them. He shouts at them for the slightest thing. If I try to help and suggest things he could do with them he erupts. He doesn’t get up to give them breakfast - we do all that. He just doesn’t take responsibility!

When we bring things up with him he gets angry and aggressive and says it’s us who has the problem. Sometimes threatens to stop us seeing the children. (His ex says she wouldn’t allow that to happen).

He’s not contributing financially (occasionally hands over some money) and does very little around the house.

DH wants to ask him to leave but it’s difficult because of the children. We’re exhausted with it all.

He's not going to want to see the kids without another adult present to actually do the parenting, so you don't need to worry about that. He'll disappear out of their lives like the deadbeat he unfortunately is, and you'll see them still. This isn't working and isn't sustainable and he's taking the absolute piss.

Probably best to just rip the plaster off and tell him he has 3 months (or whatever time line you want) for him to find somewhere. It doesn’t sound like he will take it well no matter how much you try to sugar coat it by what you’ve explained. Will the dc be safe with him
on his own? Have you told the dc mother that he shouts at them for nothing? Good luck

"Right son, it's time to find your own place now. Do you need any help finding somewhere?"

It sounds like the (fairly sensible?) mother of your grandchildren respects you and the relationship with the children. She is happy to facilitate it and see it continue.
So, I wouldn’t worry about him using the kids as a threat over you.
Your DH is right. None of this is going to change or improve until you get tough and make it happen.

Thanks - you’re all right! His ex is sensible and a lovely Mum. Not sure how she got taken in by him but he can be charming. We get on well with her but she won’t be comfortable him having them alone. He’s on thin ice with her too. He doesn’t approve of us seeing her!

If you’ve ever thought of downsizing OP I think now might be the time to do it.