Five-year-old refusing school with EBSA and severe distress, what next?

[lazybumblebee]

Hi,

I’m at crisis point with my son. He has EBSA and has reached the point now where he will not go into school. Not even just for playtime or lunchtime.

He’s 5 years old and started reception in September. Hadn’t missed a single day of school until 5 weeks ago. He used to be so excited to go every morning and skipped into school with his friends.

Things started to unravel extremely quickly. He started complaining of headaches and having meltdowns after school. One day he was sick and got sent home, he told me it was too loud and gave him a headache so he was sick. After that he stated to be tearful going in. We did the recommended thing of encouraging him through the door with a teacher holding his hand on the other side etc. He then quickly stopped being willing to go through the school gates. In the last week before the Easter break male teachers had to physically restrain him to get him through the door, with him kicking and screaming. This all escalated in the space of three weeks.

After the Easter break he now completely refuses to even leave the house, and if forced he kicks, screams, grabs anything he can hold on to. This has got so extreme that he vomits from the stress of it and self harms at the thought of being forced to go in to school (hits himself in the face and head). My husband has to physically restrain him all the way from our house to the school (10 minute walk), and a very strong teacher has to pin him down in the classroom to prevent him from running out.

He has also developed severe separation anxiety as a result of all of this, outside of school. He will no longer go to a sports club that he adored and he doesn’t want to be left by us, and is even distraught at being left with my mum (who he has spent full days with and slept over with since he was a baby). It is extreme behaviour and so out of the norm for him. He is a happy, bright, sensitive child and so well behaved.

I can’t do this anymore, I’ve told the school this week that I’m no longer willing to force him to come in. I can’t allowed him to be vomiting and self harming at the thought of going to school. He also has completely lost trust in me and his dad because we’ve been forcing him to go. I think this is why he’s terrified of being left at his sports club and at his nannas.

What on earth do I do? We have a meeting with the school next week to discuss this. But his teacher rang me on Wednesday to tell me that there recommendation is to still keeping bringing him to the gates and handing him over. So I don’t know how hopeful I am.

We think it is likely that he has AdHD. He has always had traits of this and I’m wondering if he’s masking at school and it’s just tipped him over the edge having to be so still and calm whilst he’s there. The teachers tell me he is fine once he’s calmed down in the classroom room, but he often has multiple stickers on his jumper which he says he gets given ‘for stopping crying’.

Pleas help. What should I do?

I was also going to suggest migraines, and ask if you've had his eyes tested recently?

I think an assessment for autism soubds really sensible.

Here is my advice regarding who needs to do what:

Senco: Contact the council and get in touch with the primary support service. There are different strands that could help I only know my LA authority but there will be an EBSA service, Cognition and Learning team, Theraputic thinking team. One of them will be the right team. Get a specialist teacher advisor involved. They will come out do an observation (can be in the home) and help write a plan to help identify some strategies to begin to help.

Often the Educational Psychology service works with EBSA and so school can pay for a report or get telephone advice on next steps directly from them.

Senco to create a social story with pictures of school so that it can go home and child can start to look at school and might tell you what’s wrong/become more used to seeing it.

Parent
Go to the GP and ask for a SALT referral (Speech and Language Therapy) for social communication rather than help with sound production.

Practice using ear defenders at home with your son so he can get used to them. Try and make it fun, like oh look what Teddy is wearing.

Get hearing and vision checked as he might need glasses as he is getting headaches.

Let us consider for a moment your child who cannot use words is actually communicating nervous system overwhelm. It has tipped to boiling point and we need to calm it all down. So what can we and school do about that:

• Sensory circuit for 10 minutes before school. Which includes arm swings, jumping, push ups against the door to activate his nervous system in a good way.
• Smaller off shoot place to be that is quieter calmer with a key person to check in, play cars or read a story with some 1:1 time.
• Going into school with a teddy bear as a support- teddy then sits somewhere where son can see him. Trying to provide an external soother.
• Go into school with a picture of you.
• Practise a simple script: Son’s name at school. Mummy will come back.
• When he is more used to them, try ear defenders to cut down on sensory burden.
• Inplement an unchanging after school routine - big cuddle, snack and drink, lie down under weighted blanket. - practise this daily even if he is not in school yet.
• No phones or tablets - they are too sensory overwhelming.
• Parent to spend minimum of 10 minutes giving child undivided attention - playing a game, reading a story, lots of physical contact (holding hands/cuddles) every day. This is harder than you imagine and makes an amazing difference.

People are advising you to apply for an EHCP, and on one had the barrier to entry is low - any parent or school can request one.

However, they are awarded based on evidence and ‘showing signs of EBSA’ is not enough. If you spend some time getting some professional input it will make your application stronger and then you will also get an EP report as part of the assessment.

It is really tough and I hope you find some way forward. Last thing, if you think it’s ADHD, I always advise parents to get some books, read some of the strategies and apply them straight away. No need to wait for an official diagnosis because those types of strategies actually help everyone.

find a local support group for parents with neurodiverse dcs and ask them fur help, find groups on social media, I really rate Naomi Fisher who is on Substack and does very good webinars where you can learn lots about how to support children who are struggling like yours - she also writes books

forcing a child into school isn’t the way & a school which takes this approach is probably not the right school for your dc

also really rate Neuroteachers - it’s just one lady she’s on Facebook but she also does webinars. She’s a specialist teacher who is now a trainer

both of them have real insight and advice

schools tell you they know best but often they don’t

obviously once you follow one person others will appear but some are better than others so you have to be careful

I wish you all the best op

Not all areas have specialist teaching services any more.

Personally, I wouldn’t wait to collect more evidence before requesting an EHCNA. OP has enough to get over the threshold for an EHCNA. Further evidence can and should/will be gathered during the needs assessment.