Five-year-old refusing school with EBSA and severe distress, what next?

[lazybumblebee]

Hi,

I’m at crisis point with my son. He has EBSA and has reached the point now where he will not go into school. Not even just for playtime or lunchtime.

He’s 5 years old and started reception in September. Hadn’t missed a single day of school until 5 weeks ago. He used to be so excited to go every morning and skipped into school with his friends.

Things started to unravel extremely quickly. He started complaining of headaches and having meltdowns after school. One day he was sick and got sent home, he told me it was too loud and gave him a headache so he was sick. After that he stated to be tearful going in. We did the recommended thing of encouraging him through the door with a teacher holding his hand on the other side etc. He then quickly stopped being willing to go through the school gates. In the last week before the Easter break male teachers had to physically restrain him to get him through the door, with him kicking and screaming. This all escalated in the space of three weeks.

After the Easter break he now completely refuses to even leave the house, and if forced he kicks, screams, grabs anything he can hold on to. This has got so extreme that he vomits from the stress of it and self harms at the thought of being forced to go in to school (hits himself in the face and head). My husband has to physically restrain him all the way from our house to the school (10 minute walk), and a very strong teacher has to pin him down in the classroom to prevent him from running out.

He has also developed severe separation anxiety as a result of all of this, outside of school. He will no longer go to a sports club that he adored and he doesn’t want to be left by us, and is even distraught at being left with my mum (who he has spent full days with and slept over with since he was a baby). It is extreme behaviour and so out of the norm for him. He is a happy, bright, sensitive child and so well behaved.

I can’t do this anymore, I’ve told the school this week that I’m no longer willing to force him to come in. I can’t allowed him to be vomiting and self harming at the thought of going to school. He also has completely lost trust in me and his dad because we’ve been forcing him to go. I think this is why he’s terrified of being left at his sports club and at his nannas.

What on earth do I do? We have a meeting with the school next week to discuss this. But his teacher rang me on Wednesday to tell me that there recommendation is to still keeping bringing him to the gates and handing him over. So I don’t know how hopeful I am.

We think it is likely that he has AdHD. He has always had traits of this and I’m wondering if he’s masking at school and it’s just tipped him over the edge having to be so still and calm whilst he’s there. The teachers tell me he is fine once he’s calmed down in the classroom room, but he often has multiple stickers on his jumper which he says he gets given ‘for stopping crying’.

Pleas help. What should I do?

I was also going to suggest migraines, and ask if you've had his eyes tested recently?

I think an assessment for autism soubds really sensible.

Here is my advice regarding who needs to do what:

Senco: Contact the council and get in touch with the primary support service. There are different strands that could help I only know my LA authority but there will be an EBSA service, Cognition and Learning team, Theraputic thinking team. One of them will be the right team. Get a specialist teacher advisor involved. They will come out do an observation (can be in the home) and help write a plan to help identify some strategies to begin to help.

Often the Educational Psychology service works with EBSA and so school can pay for a report or get telephone advice on next steps directly from them.

Senco to create a social story with pictures of school so that it can go home and child can start to look at school and might tell you what’s wrong/become more used to seeing it.

Parent
Go to the GP and ask for a SALT referral (Speech and Language Therapy) for social communication rather than help with sound production.

Practice using ear defenders at home with your son so he can get used to them. Try and make it fun, like oh look what Teddy is wearing.

Get hearing and vision checked as he might need glasses as he is getting headaches.

Let us consider for a moment your child who cannot use words is actually communicating nervous system overwhelm. It has tipped to boiling point and we need to calm it all down. So what can we and school do about that:

• Sensory circuit for 10 minutes before school. Which includes arm swings, jumping, push ups against the door to activate his nervous system in a good way.
• Smaller off shoot place to be that is quieter calmer with a key person to check in, play cars or read a story with some 1:1 time.
• Going into school with a teddy bear as a support- teddy then sits somewhere where son can see him. Trying to provide an external soother.
• Go into school with a picture of you.
• Practise a simple script: Son’s name at school. Mummy will come back.
• When he is more used to them, try ear defenders to cut down on sensory burden.
• Inplement an unchanging after school routine - big cuddle, snack and drink, lie down under weighted blanket. - practise this daily even if he is not in school yet.
• No phones or tablets - they are too sensory overwhelming.
• Parent to spend minimum of 10 minutes giving child undivided attention - playing a game, reading a story, lots of physical contact (holding hands/cuddles) every day. This is harder than you imagine and makes an amazing difference.

People are advising you to apply for an EHCP, and on one had the barrier to entry is low - any parent or school can request one.

However, they are awarded based on evidence and ‘showing signs of EBSA’ is not enough. If you spend some time getting some professional input it will make your application stronger and then you will also get an EP report as part of the assessment.

It is really tough and I hope you find some way forward. Last thing, if you think it’s ADHD, I always advise parents to get some books, read some of the strategies and apply them straight away. No need to wait for an official diagnosis because those types of strategies actually help everyone.

find a local support group for parents with neurodiverse dcs and ask them fur help, find groups on social media, I really rate Naomi Fisher who is on Substack and does very good webinars where you can learn lots about how to support children who are struggling like yours - she also writes books

forcing a child into school isn’t the way & a school which takes this approach is probably not the right school for your dc

also really rate Neuroteachers - it’s just one lady she’s on Facebook but she also does webinars. She’s a specialist teacher who is now a trainer

both of them have real insight and advice

schools tell you they know best but often they don’t

obviously once you follow one person others will appear but some are better than others so you have to be careful

I wish you all the best op

Not all areas have specialist teaching services any more.

Personally, I wouldn’t wait to collect more evidence before requesting an EHCNA. OP has enough to get over the threshold for an EHCNA. Further evidence can and should/will be gathered during the needs assessment.

Hi everyone,

Providing an update here as to what’s going on, it helps me even if no one reads it or responds!

So the school put in place some classroom based changes to try and help with the anxiety and school refusal. These included access to a wobble cushions, fidget toys, movement breaks, a quiet room and just attending for mornings until his confidence built back up.

However, these interventions haven’t been enough and we haven’t been successful in getting him back into school (even just for mornings). He is still severely anxious when left in the classroom without a parent, he cries and refuses to participate in any activities, as well as often hiding himself away somewhere such as behind a bookcase. He is really struggling with transitions between tasks, and any changes to routine in the classroom are causing meltdowns. He can’t focus on any taught activities such as phonics, he refuses to participate and wants to hide in the quiet room.

We have met with the Family Intervention Service who have agreed to recommend us for a case worker. His ADHD and ASD assessments will likely be in October. But we are not stuck!!

The school have stated they don’t believe his needs are significant enough to be placed on their SEN register, so we have no access to the sendco (and subsequently also all of the outside support services they are able to utilise). They have also stated that if my son cannot make significant progress to attending full time and independently from us, the school is not the right school for him. They have said they do not allow long term part time timetables or flexischooling so he won’t be able to attend there any longer.

It’s so heartbreaking to watch him in the classroom (I’ve been allowed in some morning to observe and help breakdown the anxiety, but this has stopped as of today). He can’t sit still and look like a trapped animal, you can see he is getting a headache from trying to focus and manage his emotions and overwhelm of the environment.

I don’t know what else to do! Without the school allowing us on their SEN register, it doesn’t seem like we can get any further support?

DS absolutely should be on the SEN register.

Ignore the school. Request an EHCNA yourself. You don’t need the school’s support or for them to agree that DS has SEN/be on the SEN register. Also request alternative provision under section 19 of the Education Act 1996 yourself. Again, you don’t need the school’s support or for them to agree that DS has SEN/be on the SEN register.

The school must make reasonable adjustments. Assuming this is a state mainstream school, they must also make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN. Not even recognising he needs to be coded as K shows they aren’t doing this.

The school can’t just kick DS out.

If you haven’t already, you should check how the absences are being recorded.

Have the School said any of this in writing?

The school are being ridiculous @lazybumblebee how on earth are his needs "not severe enough" to be on the Sen register but simultaneously "too much" for the school to handle, leading them to try and basically manage him out of education??

Call your local authority’s SEN team and talk this over with them. They may be able to intervene and speak with the school. It sounds to me like they would prefer you to remove him than address his clear SEN needs. Have you spoken to the headteacher? Tell them you will be submitting a formal complaint - this is absolutely complaint worthy. Ask to see their SEN and complaints policies but both should be on the school website. Your son would benefit from seeing an educational psychologist and the school will have access to this service. Double down in your efforts to get them to help your son. They are not doing anything to help and support him.

I’m sorry if this is completely barking up the wrong tree, but is it possible he’s suffering from PANDAS? I’m not sure if it fits but reading about the sudden change in his behaviour made me think of it. Im sorry he’s having such a hard time. It sounds so difficult.i hope things get easier soon.

Maybe something bad happened.

Is the school even acting legally? How can they just effectively expel him instead of allowing him on that register?

I’m so sorry your poor ds is suffering such anxiety.

have a look at what off rolling is. Looks like that what the school is trying to do and it’s not allowed.

He absolutely should be in the Sen register. He clearly has severe educational needs right now. They have a duty to support those.

They can’t force him in but they have to keep trying strategies and if they don’t have the resources then they need to complete and EHCPNA.