Help with my mat leave rut

[FluentFinch]

Hopefully this is in the right forum! (Parenting section)

potentially looking for a bit of advice or wisdom from other mums particularly those further down the line

I have hit a sort of rut on mat leave and am trying to make sense of my feelings and find a solution . Will try to keep concise

• background is a lawyer at a top London law firm. Had a v stressful time at work pre mat leave and ended up having a prem baby in v stressful circumstances followed by a NICU stint and months of medical stress and follow up
• things started to feel enjoyable around Feb this year (so 5/6 months PP)
• had a pretty bad pregnancy (nausea, exhaustion & digestive issues throughout, then a severe Covid case meaning I was out of action and essentially bed bound at home for 8 weeks from 24 weeks)
• had a brief reprieve when I felt better for a couple of weeks and then baby came early - I’d planned a month off before my due date to recalibrate but never got to take it!
• was under intense feeding pressure to BF which didn’t work. I then pumped until 6 months despite only pumping 4-500ml a day which was sole destroying
• first of friendship group to have a baby and a couple of friends have been really disappointing. One is a children’s physio and said my baby wasn’t really that prem and didn’t understand why I’d be traumatised. The other broke up with her boyfriend two years ago so repeatedly tells me I am privileged to have a husband so essentially can’t complain
• I have no family support. My mum is estranged from me and my dad lived abroad and is emotionally unavailable
• very tricky in laws until now as MIL wanting high involvement with my baby and NICU got in the way of that, and she was very anti-formula which meant I didn’t feel comfortable spending that much time with her
• husbands work not amazing: flexible ish with when he leaves for work but only four weeks off at beginning & all spent in hospital, and he gets no fixed work from home days
• I’m exhausted as I’ve not really been able to recover. At the same time dismayed I’m not back to exercising regularly
• ferritin is 30 so currently seeing a private doc and may get an iron infusion to help fatigue
• baby has never napped in cot and doesn’t love pram - sling or contact naps which are exhausting
• early days were strict feeding schedules etc and we had to stay at home mainly due to baby’s immune system - feel I missed out on the huge window of time where it’s quite easy to do things with a newborn
• loved 4-6 months but have hit a confusing rut recently. Dreading the days with my baby as he’s tricky to please and finding things mundane
• mum friendships have fizzled out
• miss my old life a lot. Find myself thinking about going back to work and miss it and feel upset with myself for. Missing it as I didn’t expect this
• really just not feeling myself and I just can’t put my finger on why.
• feel upset seeing mums who are so ‘mumsy’ and seem to love mat leave and the lovely but mundane nature of being with a baby 24/7. Always wanted 2 under 2 and can believe how un ready I feel for that and have had a dawning realising that I just don’t think I’m cut out for motherhood
• feel sort of sad how different postpartum has been to initial plans ie to travel with baby etc. we haven’t done that and I just think it’s too much faff

i think that’s the bulk of what I’m feeling and I’m really trying to make sense of my recent shift of emotions but I’m struggling to rationalise my feelings so any help or wisdom from mums would be very appreciated xx

im not quite sure that going back to work early is the answer

Maternal leave is so tough. I've done it twice, youngest is 9 months. Really hard work and very few breaks day or night. Get all the help you can, pay if needed (eg cleaners, nursery, night nanny), and don't feel bad about it. I went back to work after 9 months the first time and 6 months the second time, back to my career which I missed a lot.

I read two things on MN that helped me: lower your standards and then lower them some more, and don't spend time worrying unnecessarily or feeling bad about your parenting or how mat leave is going versus some idealised image in your mind (assuming you are fundamentally a good parent, which I'm sure you are).

Really? Awful pregnancy, being ill, a premature birth, and a difficult breastfeeding experience? Any one of those is about for someone!

It’s okay to find it hard and not what you thought it would be. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby!

Reality is babies are fairly boring (sorry babies!). Have you met any local mums? I know mumsnet loves to hate them but baby groups saved my sanity with my 2nd! I had PND and was very isolated. Getting out helped A LOT.

Please be kinder to yourself; you’ve been through a lot!

That's so true about baby nap time clashing with classes I hadn't considered that OP.

I definitely think getting out every day for a walk (rain or shine) is key. Great if you can find a group but if not just go and buy a coffee. It won't be long before you start to see similar people around I promise.

I say this because I have a dog & I now know an amazing amount of people in my area. Most of them are admittedly dog owners but I definitely meet a number who aren't just by being out at the same time each day.

Worth looking at libraries as well for story time groups etc. Or soft play type venues with cafes.

When do you go back to work?

You’re doing so well. What a challenging time you’ve had - you should be really proud that you recognise this is and that you’re asking for help. It’s extremely healthy but v hard to do.

i really recognise a lot of what you’ve been through. I also have a really full on job, and tbh I loved returning as much as I loved maternity leave by the end. 6 - 9 months it just got better and better.

i went back to work and drew some new boundaries and made sure I had decent amount of time for pickups when I do them and Fridays off. Then at work I’ve just been able to really throw myself into whole I’m there and then turn my phone off for evening routine (unless somethings majorly kicking off!) it was hard to do at first but i just had to come to terms with the fact that I can’t give as much of myself to work, what I give is plenty, and that for the next few years I won’t be operating at the level I did before and that that’s ok as I’m now doing two jobs at once. You can do everything but not all at once.

the result is that - while I was knackered going back to work - it was much less tiring than mat leave. The time you get a work to organise your thoughts, have a coffee at your desk while you settle in, commute! Spend 15 mins scribbling down stuff you have to sort for the baby - it’s such a pick me up after the relentlessness of maternity leave however much you enjoy it. All this to say that going back to work in a boundaries way meant I still got great time with my son (though it’s a transition not being together all the time) and I feel fulfilled and like my brain is working again for me aswell as him.

the result is that 18 months after finishing maternity leave I’m off again with our second and finding it all so much easier. It gets better!

on activities have you gone to local free stay and plays and library sessions? They tend to have much bigger windows of time and drop in vibes so that’s what I did most days. Take care xx

I didn’t have the background to all this you have but I still felt very similar. Went back to work part time at four and five months each time and instantly felt 100% better. That was 23 years ago now and never a single regret.
Babies are hard work, sometimes boring and stresssful to be around. We had no help so I just paid for it and outsourced the hardest part. All bonded just fine.

I have so many photos of DD sleeping through classes, especially in the early day! Didn’t matter at all, got me out of the house and eventually she paid attention…

Put the baby in day care 2 mornings per week and use the time to do something for you. Sleep, use your brain, do some sport, do nothing.

I'm not in the UK. My leave can be used to go part time without changing my contract. I was climbing the walls after 5 months. I don't know how British mothers without loads of baby sitting support stay sane. I'm a much better parent for not doing it every day.

Be kind to yourself OP you're doing very well. My eldest child is now almost 15. I had a difficult birth with blood loss and found early motherhood difficult. Like you, I also exclusively pumped for 5 months. I never felt like I really "took to" mat leave in the same way as other mums seemed to.

I resolved to only have one child. I in fact had a second, but not for another 7.5 years! With my second lots of things were different and while it wasn't all blissful, many things were easier. Lots of people would say glib things about mum being more relaxed etc but I don't think it was as simple as that at all and I don't blame myself for my difficulties with my first baby which were multifaceted. If you do ever consider having a second, maybe consider having a debrief to see what issues may recur with a second baby, I found this helped me a lot.

I definitely agree with getting out daily. Walking is plenty exercise for now. With my first baby I went to one group a week but would otherwise just go for a walk or to the library or similar. With my second I upped the ante and went to two groups! 😂 I never managed to make mum friends with my second baby which is a slight regret as all of my existing connections had much older kids. But it isn't the be all and end all.

I have been going on a bit about myself (you remind me of me, is all) when all I wanted to say is that this is just a phase in your life that will pass, and you will remain an excellent mum and it will be ok. Try and find things that bring you a bit of joy like getting a coffee on your walk, or having a podcast in one ear, or buying something you really like to eat in your weekly shop. Eventually it will feel like you have been at this mum business forever. I know it does for me, my teenager is as tall as me now and the second I thought I wasn't going to have is almost seven and reading me bedtime stories 😂

All the best OP 💐

Oh sorry I did also meant to say that I think I saw the New Mums Writing Circle is starting a new online session. I didn't do that myself but I met the lady Catrin who runs it and I think it would have been helpful for me and also possibly nice to be with other mums. They have a website give them a google

I know how you feel - ex city solicitor here and had tricky emergency section and PP haemorrhage and was very fit before, but floored by iron loss, so had a lot to process. I used to worry about not being maternal enough for my first. I think looking back that I was just low and very hard on myself, and also very lonely as my DH was buried in work and we were living in a new place and finding mum friends was hard at times. It’s hard carving out a new identity - yes, you are the same person with brains and skills beyond only motherhood, but you do say goodbye to the carefree individual you once were.

I tended to do a morning nap on the go every day (my first was ridiculously early to drop every daytime nap and needed lots of stimulation, so by 9 months it was just a midday nap of a couple of hours anyway. Before that, she would only do a quick nap when pushed around, which at least ticked off the exercise. Then I could get to classes, or just out wherever I wanted - browse the shops, to the library (mine loved being read to), swimming, appointments , meet a friend etc. As she got mobile, it was tricky to do things like buggy fit classes as the lady was very fierce about babies staying in the buggy and mine would just yell and cry, so you do have my sympathy as it can be hard to entertain them. We hit 7-10 months over the summer, so we did swings in the park a lot when I was out of ideas! We also had one of those galt playrings that mine liked climbing in and out of and we did racing up the stairs, then playing with random objects/pans etc a lot!

My kids got used to going to museums all the time! I just dragged them so for them it was the normal thing to do. I remember doing a guided visit to erno goldfinger's House with my son in the baby carrier, showing him things on my phone (on silent) so he wouldn't make noise.
He also went to the Paris catacombs and Anne Frank's hiding place on the baby carrier. And I took both of them to see Frida kahlo and pompeii ruins in London museums.
It was a very hard period of my life but some memories are lovely!