My 14-year-old son said his girlfriend's autism is cute

[ThatElatedRubyCat]

I'm not British.

My 14-year-old son is a freshman in high school. He's on the popular side. He started dating this nice 14-year-old girl in his class. This school year is her 1st school year in America as she's from Japan. She's autistic.

With my own ears, I heard my son tell his girl that her autism is cute. He also said she has an adorable way of looking at the world and explaining things. She looked and sounded geniune when she thanked him.

I don't know I should feel about this. I don't know much about autism. I don't know if he should be saying that. I might be overthinking things.

Even if she's okay with it, what if she told her parents he said that. What if my son were to let her parents hear him saying things like I that. I really don't know what I should do or if I even should be doing anything about it. Any advice?

Is my post visible?

I made it and even I can't find it in the forums.

Hi @ThatElatedRubyCat your thread is visible, you can see it here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting
MNHQ

I would have a chat with him and check he realises that her autism is also likely to be a challenge for her, that he may think it’s cute but needs to remember it can also be a difficulty.
It isn’t necessarily a problem. He just needs to know not to patronise her or assume it’s all cute.

Hello, yes your post is visible don’t worry.
Obviously I can only speak for myself not anyone else but…. I’m autistic, people often tell me they love the way I express myself, the way I look at the world. I find it to be a compliment, Not offensive at all.
He thinks she is cute and that’s in part because of her autism,I wouldn’t overthink it.

I'm not really sure what the problem is?
It sounds to me as if she's comfortable with telling him she's autistic and he's paid her a compliment of sorts that he likes the way she thinks and looks at the world.

But yes as pickled said, it’s not always a joy being autistic. And very important that he never takes advantage of any of her naivety, gullibility or makes fun of her in a cruel way or way that upsets her.

I’m not seeing a problem here. He likes something that is a fundamental part of her. Unless she dislikes him saying it, there’s no issue .

I asked this on reddit and got a lot of heat.

Right now, I at least know that asking him not to repeat what he said isn't a good idea.

You're right that he must realize, if he doesn't know already, that it's a challenge for her. Calling anything challenging a person is going through as "cute" is a risk.

Have you started a couple of threads about her before OP, where it was your husband calling her cute and then someone else before?

Apologies if it was someone else.

I wouldn't stress about this.

He's a child and children tend to express themselves differently to adults. The most important thing is that the girl in question wasn't offended.

As someone with ASD men think it’s cute until you’re freaking out and having a real meltdown down. It’s cute until it inconveniences them. Not saying this is your son, but a lot of men fetishise the childish naivety that can sometimes be part of autism. I can be pretty naive and it has resulted in me being taken advantage of.

I suspect it will be cute until it’s not. When her autism and the related anxiety/sensory/interpersonal issues arise he will not find it cute. I think you just kind of need to wait, because he will get a reality check at some point. If it was my son I would maybe have a word with him and remind him it’s not some cute personality quirk, it’s a disability and part of who she is as a human being.

You're over thinking it.
He didn't intend offence and she didn't take offence. Nobody is offended.
Leave them be.

Actually I think calling a petite woman cute, particularly a Japanese one, is the bigger issue.

She may be completely at ease with her autism- a lot of people are these days, if they’ve been well supported.

I’d advise him to listen carefully to people, and use the vocabulary they use. So if she’s asking, ‘do I look cute in this?’, then cute may be ok. Call my mum cute and she’d eviscerate you after a lifetime of struggling to be seen/served past all the bigger people!
People tell you how they want to be perceived, if you listen.

I'm autistic. I know now that a lot of what men find attractive about me comes from that (I think they interpret my oddness as Manic Pixie Dream Girl vibes). I do try to warn them they're also getting a side order of Special Interest Hyperfocus, a hugely spiky skill set and a whole lot of sensory weirdness around food and fabrics and the world in general. But no, I don't find it insulting that they like the fun parts of my autistic nature. I like to think this compensates for them having to also tolerate less fun parts:-)

Listening carefully to people and use the vocabulary they use? 🤔

Simple but brilliant.

Also, when you say petite, do you mean short, thin, or short and thin?

Small, narrow, fine bones. Small people can get treated like a doll and they don’t like it. Western men can fetishise the dainty submissiveness of Japanese women- though as I understand it the Japanese are good at that too.

Hence my warning about cute. She may be absolutely fine with it- my son’s Chinese girlfriend is. She likes all things Disney or fluffy and is happy to lean into cute. She’s also highly qualified and extremely smart. Don’t be misled by cute!

Anyway, slight derail there.

Well, at least my son's girlfriend doesn't look too dainty. She's around my height.

For completely different reasons, in my own life, I have been cute in ways that were not complimentary. I can warn my son about how geniune compliments can backfire.

I talked to my son and I think I gave him good advice.

It depends. If he would be happy with accepting himself being described by his girlfriend, or other people in general as 'cute' because of a personal/characteristic/hobby, haircut, then no problem. But my initial reaction was 'wow how patronising to girls'.

When we find someone attractive, we find their behaviours that others might see as quirky or eccentric or unusual as attractive too. The language he’s using will fit with the language of his peers and social group.

I think you're way overthinking this. I think he's being a sweet 14 year old and telling her that he likes her personality anyone that her autism is part of that.

Speaking as a ND parent of an ND child, I think what he said is ok. It’s true that autism can bring challenges but it can also bring strengths- really depends on the class of autism, the individual, the situation. IME the younger generation are much more open to seeing neurodivergence as part of the variety of life rather than as a way of being that is lesser or worse, and that’s a good thing. You can recognise that without denying the challenges of being ND in a majority-NT world (I am not speaking here about eg autism with intellectual/language impairment where clearly the balance is different.)

The only thing I’d want him to remember is that her personality and her autism aren’t the same thing. She autistic. She’s also an individual with her own character traits, preferences etc. ND people aren’t all the same just as NT people aren’t.

Just because it’s a challenge doesn’t mean he should treat it as something that is taboo. If she was thankful and happy that’s great! Yes maybe have a conversation’does she find life difficult?’ to remind her it’s not all cutesy but they both sound lovely💖

Saying that someone’s autism is cute is an odd thing to say. He is seeing his girlfriend and autism as 2 separate things. His girlfriend is autistic, so she is cute, not the autism. The way she sees the world is cute, not the autism. I’d be uncomfortable if a boyfriend made that comment to my ASD DD. Your DS is 14, he’s learning and I’m sure he meant no harm but I’d talk to him about how he sees his girlfriend.

There's nothing wrong with autism so why shouldn't he find it cute. I remember I had an autistic male friend (well he was my bf's brother) and I would've described some of the ways he acted and saw things as cute at the time. When we were both 15-16.

It's not like he's saying SH, anorexia or drug addiction are cute?

He's reassuring her and saying he likes her the way she is, which is a positive thing surely?