I've had it with breastfeeding, advice please

[ToddlerMumSendWine333]

Still breastfeeding my 20 month old. I've had enough. I can't stand it anymore. But we're about to move house (on Sunday) and her dad is about to leave abroad for 6 months too. So some huge changes and I'm going to be completely alone. Well, not true, my mum is coming to "help" but she's as useless as a chocolate tea pot. I can't stop her but I'd rather she didn't come at all tbh 😫

I planned to breastfeed until her dad comes back but I just, these last 2 weeks, have started to absolutely hate it. I never liked it. I persevered because of some health issues when she was born and I just felt too guilty to stop.

Problem is, BF settles her to sleep. So if I stop, I'm fucked, aren't I? She still wakes 1-2 times per night about half the week, the other half she sleeps through until morning. So not the best or worst sleeper. WTF do I do?

I don't know, I think stopping is a BAD idea and I will lose quite a useful tool to calm her and settle her to sleep. But equally, I am just physically repulsed by even the thought of it. I can't think of anything worse to have to do right now. I had to give up on doing bedtime tonight, and dad rocked her to sleep. I just couldn't face it.

I'm not a very patient person. I will really struggle to rock her to sleep for naps, bedtime and every night waking, I really will.

It's a good point you've made. I didn't breastfeed, my sister did and her kids just seemed much easier to settle. I know that not very helpful. What is it about it you hate so much ?

She CAN sleep through the night so I would sleep train. It’ll be worth it.

I agree with you that rocking to sleep is a kind of psychological torture for a parent (mostly dh had to do it when I was occasionally unavailable). I personally didn't have the patience or physical stamina for it (would get back ache). I weaned dc1 when she could be bedtime storied to sleep (although it took many books sometimes). About 2 and a half. My dc2 is nearly that age and we'll do the same.

You could try reading to her and see if that might begin to work yet. Reading to sleep is much more comfortable for the parent than rocking.

Honestly, I don't know, it's completely irrational at this point. The sucking and sucking and sucking seems endless. He also won't go to sleep easily now, what used to be a 5 minute breastfeed to sleep, is now 20 minutes +. Sometimes 30-40 minutes.

Yeah my back is shot to pieces, I can't do it. I also get very frustrated as I'm just...tired. Breastfeeding has been an easy-ish solution so far. She's definitely not at the stage of falling asleep by reading to her.

What always helps us is filling them up with a really big dinner and then that helps shorten the evening feed. Or also just unlatch and keep swapping sides, that tires them out and they give up and sleep

Yeah it's tough isn't it, like they say "choose your hard". For me I'd rather breastfeed them to sleep but try to find a way to shorten it back down to 5-10min an evening

She's an exceptionally good eater. She basically eats adult portions for lunch and dinner, and has a bedtime snack too 😅 she's extremely active, has been walking since 9 months and hasn't stopped!!

We did sleep train at 6 months, and then again at 8 and at 9.5 months (after illnesses/teething). I'm not against it but it genuinely stopped working after that. She gets extremely worked up. It's horrible. She starts hurting herself. If she isn't in a deep sleep when her butt touches the mattress, she starts screaming. I've tried gentle sleep training methods and she screams instantly the second she hits the crib. There is no room for "pick up put down" for example as she screams when put down and screams in your arms if she knows she will be put down soon.

You're not pregnant are you? Sudden breastfeeding aversion can be a symptom.

I'm still breastfeeding my toddler, but I did night wean and completely stop feeding to sleep at about 14 months. It helped her sleep (and my quality of life!) massively.

We also switched her to a floorbed at the same time and now one of us takes her up, lies next to her 10 minutes, and then rolls away. Genuinely the best thing we ever did!

I hated it too . You are a matyr to have done it so long . I'd replace every other feed with a bottle , she'll take it if she's hungry . Gradually replace with bottles . I think it might be difficult to stop dead but if you're milk dried up you'd have to . Good luck .

Just stop. You'll find other ways to settle him. I quit cold turkey at a year (did not enjoy bf at all) and was surprised by how easily baby accepted just being held (while I sit - no rocking) as a substitute. You might have a harder time of it as your kid is older, but he'll adapt eventually.

Kudos for making it to two years!!

Have you tried this night weaning method?

I agree with the post saying just stop. I stopped feeding my daughter at 20 months, I had originally wanted to keep going until 2 but I hadn't ever had a full night's sleep since she was born so I was just wrecked and mentally so done with it. I went cold turkey, she didn't understand cutting down so it made more sense to do it that way. The first few days were hard, but I kept saying "mama milk all gone, you can have milk in a cup". She didn't like it but she did understand. She had been waking up to feed at least twice a night before that, she slept through from the second night of no breastfeeding and has every night since. It has been honestly life-changing for me to finally get some sleep, and also good for her as she has learned other ways to soothe herself when upset etc. I would do it now, if your partner won't be there you need to get sleep and look after yourself. You have done amazing for doing it as long as you have and it's totally ok to be done. Good luck xx

Don't introduce a bottle at this age, it's advised to stop bottles at 12 months.
Maybe not want you want to hear, but i think weaning right now will be tough will all the changes that are happening. I'd let the move happen first, get a floor bed / mattress on the floor in the new house, and then you need to stop her falling asleep on the boob initially - let her feed but stop and settle her in another way. The floor bed will make it easier to cuddle/pat to sleep, it's made such a difference for my 18 month old as you can just roll away and not transfer to a cot. She'll fall asleep eventually. Just don't assume night wakes will stop when you stop BF, my daughter's sleep has improved but she still wakes once most nights.

I agree with a floor bed, mattress on the floor. DC never slept in her cot! She just screamed and screamed. As the third DC, I just gave in and let her fall asleep cuddling her on the floor. Age 3 we bought a double bed as she woke in the night and needed someone to sleep with her.

Age 7 I think she finally slept by herself.

So Mine fed to sleep until she was 14months. She wanted marathon 2hr feeds when I was back at work full time
I went away with my mum for a week and let mum settle for bedtime- she gave her some milk put in sleep sack, put into cot with some music and shhh'd her.... Any night wakes that week mum went in for- and we just stopped breastfeeding- I pumped for about 3 months (had allergies and felt it was important- and I enjoyed a pumping break at work).....it was easier than I thought

Sleep needs often drop around this age, so she may not be tired enough at bedtime, hence the elongation of the feed. I would check that there isn’t too much daytime sleep and cut it down if needed, ensuring a long enough awake period before bedtime.

at 19 months, pick up put down or interval check in methods aren’t going to work, they will just piss the child off and cause more upset.

Explaining that the milk is now all gone, having a nice cuddle and bedtime story and then doing something like the chair method (once you’re confident DC is appropriately tired at bedtime) is probably the best approach. She needs to be really, really tired at bedtime, it is too difficult to ask an undertired child to put themselves to sleep when they’re using to nursing to sleep.

in all likelihood there is no way out of this without tears, even if you choose a floor bed, “gentle”, continuing to assist type approach, but if you are consistent and she is appropriately tired then upset should be short lived.

Check out Emma Pickett on Instagram for well informed practical info on weaning toddlers. You could also look into breastfeeding aversion if you would like to resolve it.

https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/zainab-yate-nursing-aversion/

Emma Pickett is great for information about weaning older children. Habit stacking can be your friend here.

Is this aversion a very new thing? Any chance you could be pregnant?

I stopped when ds was 2, we were down to just a bedtime feed. What helped was dh taking over bedtime - this was meant to be for at least 7 consecutive nights but in the end was only about 3 nights. Wear something that makes your boobs totally inaccessible. Accept that sleep will possibly be terrible for a week or two, but the main goal here is to stop feeding. The sleep thing will come later, one step at a time. Remember that your dd is not trying to torture you it's just a hard phase and one day you will barely remember any of this.
It is rough when you're on your own, you just have to go into survival mode not always what you think of as absolutely ideal.