Concerned for my 11 year old daughter

[Georgia91]

Hey all👋🏼 my 11 year old daughter has slowly become withdrawn within the past few months, she now spends most of her time in her room unless she's eating or bathing. We have consistently asked if there is anything wrong to which she says there isn't. We're very open and she knows she can come to us with anything. Is this normal or should I be worried? Any other parents who are in the same situation?

Is she online / on a smart phone?

She plays games and watches shows. And I check her phone often.

Is she in Y6? If so could she be getting concerned about SATS?
I’d speak to school in case there are any friendship issues or bullying. They might be unaware and could watch out at break or lunch times.

She's year 7. Thank you

Maybe shes just an introvert. I used to be this way when i was at home and in my school years. I was shy an introvert but i hung around with many friends. The ladies used to call my weird and shy.

She used to be quite sociable in primary school, and when at home used to call her friends and be on the phone for hours talking. So this is a massive change to who she was.

What is she's actually doing in her bedroom? If she's just up there on her phone all the time I'm not surprised. Both my DC would spend entire day's in their bedrooms on their phone if allowed.

Dd2 does choose to hang out in her room more than dd1. She will read, paint her nails, put on a facemask, organise her desk, listen to music - have a cd player with radio so they can do so without screens. However we have daily limits on screens as they are not good at self regulating.

Yh she's literally on her phone all the time. Just playing games or watching shows. Ideally I'd want her to talk to her friends, have some social life outside of school but she's not interested in talking to anyone.

Does she have any clubs outside of school? I feel this is quite useful for having different people
to talk to and see without them knowing anything about you from school.
Im sure you have tried talking to her already but if it seems like her personality has changed markedly since Y6 then it does seem a concern. It’s a huge change starting secondary and can take a while to ‘find your tribe’
Does she not want to have a friend over/meet anyone for a walk or anything? I do know how difficult it can be but I would be trying to find out if any bullying/unkind behaviour is happening at school .
Also agree with others in that the more they are on the phones, the more they want to be on them.

Any friendship troubles or issues at school that could be causing her to withdraw? However, even without any real problems smartphones are just addictive. Even for adults but especially for children. I know it would be difficult to walk back now but honestly she doesn’t sound mature enough to have virtually unrestricted access to the phone. Which is fair enough because she’s only 11 and that’s very young to expect her to be able to self regulate. I’d consider setting some more stringent screen time limits.

DC have time limits on games and videos. They can check messages or call their friends out of these restrictions though. Dd2 will call friends, they do play an online game over video call quote often. Dd1 doesn't really call but she has a few more out of school clubs and she messages rather than calls. I would think about some restrictions on phone use particularly over holidays as that's a lot of screen time.

I think it will be tricky to begin with to implement some restrictions but it will be better for her long term.

The problem I have isn't screen time. If I took her phone she would be fine with it. My concern is she is withdrawn and does not want to socialise. She's always in her room!

There has been a falling out or something has happened along the way and you need to find out which.

I know you say she knows to reach out but this is where you need to go to her. Take her out, chat while folding clothes in her room, while she is in the car, any way you can to start probing into whats going on.

Teens get withdrawn and dont come out of their rooms or speak etc at this age, of course they do, but they still talk to friends, they usually save all the worrying stuff for parents. So if she isnt even talking to her pals, id start digging now.

Everything you've just suggested I've done.

Have you considered that the screen time and this may be linked though?

If she only has limited access to her phone, she won't be able to sit in her room on it all the time. So first step is that. Limiting the screen time. Its literally brain rot. You'll be doing her a favour.
Is there no craft activities she likes, or beauty stuff or reading?
My DD is in Y7, she likes to spend time in her room, she has a tv but watches a series on netflix or a film, not shorts which can be very detrimental to concentration and MH. She has face masks and lots of different craft/drawing things to do. Her phone is very limited, she can only message on WhatsApp and listen to music. No games (she has a switch for that) and she reads at least 45 mins a day too.

She is social though, and whilst she enjoys her downtime before bed with a film or series she does spend time with us, board games or something as a family and goes out with friends or us on a weekend.

Assuming shes just transitioned to high school that may havr something to do with it. But id be concerned that its a huge change and you need to get to the bottom of it. Unlimited time on phone and always being solitary in your room would not be an option in my house.

Phones are highly highly addictive and motivating. If she can have her phone unrestricted, the incentives to come out of her room don’t match the phone addiction. Stop the phone being allowed in the bedroom, then you might see her in communal areas more and reopen the communication

Agree with everyone saying you need to put limits on her screen time OP - it is so easy to waste entire days on a phone or tablet.

Has she any friends in year 7 or just her old primary friends? If she doesn’t mention year 7 friends at school would watch carefully, life unravelled for my dd once started secondary

I think you’re being naive about the phone. No phones/ tablets/ laptops upstairs. Downstairs only.
Does she have a sister close in age she can share a room with?
Perhaps have a family movie night, with snacks low pressure but then she’s around you all rather than being isolated in her room.
Does she do any clubs?

It's normal for teens to start withdrawing from their parents, but you don't have to allow this. Does she do any after school activities, eg sports or music?