Feeling lonely on second maternity leave

[Herewegoagain85]

I'm expecting DD2 soon, and it suddenly dawned on me that my experience could be completely different without having an NCT "gang", or the novelty of baby classes and discussing first time mum stuff.

I guess I'm a bit worried about feeling lonely second time round. I actually felt quite bored and fed up at the end of my last mat leave as everyone I was friends with had gone back to work!

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Many of my pals have either moved away or aren't on mat leave.

I met all of my closest friends through baby groups with my second baby! You can still go to groups, chat to new mums etc. My eldest child was the first to do all the milestones - sit GCSEs/A levels, go to Uni etc so I think my friends have appreciated my perspective and experience. Second child can still mean new friendships.

You're not above baby classes, hardly anyone goes for the baby's benefit, it's just to meet other mums. And having a second is a totally different ball game - they are greater than the sum of their parts so you'll have plenty of novel experiences to chat about.

How old is your first - will they be around or at childcare/school during the day?

I feel quite lonely too this time round. I have been going to a few baby classes and chatted to people but haven’t made any friends that extend beyond the classes yet. On the other hand I really appreciate quiet time cuddling and feeding my second on the sofa in front of Netflix after the madness of the last few years juggling work and parenting. If you can keep your older one in childcare a few days a week if not at school yet.

Are any of your NCT gang part time? I had a weekly timetable of NCT, my mum, work colleague mum, free day etc so I had someone to see everyday.

This has been my experience, big time. Huge group of friends first time, all brilliant. This time, going to every baby group going but still lonely as fuck. First time mums have their own cliques, second and subsequent mums are all at different life stages with their eldest. It's honestly been horrible. If I could go back, I'd have signed myself up to a weekly group i could have attended every week rather thsn just for a term as i think that might have created some more slow burn friendships. The 'shake rattles for a term' baby groups have been a no go in terms of making friends and I've cried after in the car more times than I can tell you! Sorry if that's very doom and gloom... but basically yes think carefully about how it is different from the first time and what is going to work best for you x

Just go to baby classes. You’ll soon meet other mums.

This was ages ago for me but I remember the shock of the realisation that people just aren't as interested in your second child as your first apart from immediate family. I was lucky enough to have a couple of friends from first time round who were also on their seconds and our firsts were still pre schoolers not actually at school. So although it was less sociable than first time round, it worked out and I made some new friends as well. Keep all options open and get out most days for your own sake.

Baby massage. Baby sensory. Baby swim lessons. Mum and baby buggy fit. Pregancy yoga.

i did nct far away place as my ex and I were planning to move before baby born, but when we broke up at 8m pregnant I told my pregnancy yoga teacher and she asked the class ‘does anyone have a group that usm can join?’ And a lovely mum to be introduced me to her nct group and I still hang out with two regularly now and our boys are three.

put it out there that you need mat leave pals and people will put you in touch and eventually you’ll click with one or two and that’s enough.
you’ll also have your big kid with you from 3.15 so those long dark evenings in the winter will be so much less boring!

This is true I often forget sevens babies names

This is a good shout I meet up with the nct people I know who are on mat leave with their second regularly as I’m part time

Thank you everyone for your advice and experiences.

I'm sorry to hear those who are feeling lonely this time around - I hope things get better for you. New friendships are like gold dust as I get older it seems - people naturally get a bit more closed off / tired (lol) and it feels a lot more effort.

My DD1 is in childcare but I never really considered how that dynamic may also help in terms of creating more routine and general stimulation for baby/me!!!

I have naturally found making friendship harder the older I've got. It takes consistent long term effort these days!
With my last pregnancy (DD now 4) I still went to baby groups etc and met with previous NCT people who happened to be on mat leave the same time. I haven't made lifelong friends out of those this time around BUT have found most friendship have been from mums of older DS8. I was free to be able to meet some of those that don't work or work part time. Seeing different people on nursery pick ups then reception school runs.

I honestly relished the peace and quiet second time round in a way that would have made me lonely first time round 😂. Found I didn’t want ‘Mom Friends’ in the same way and actually the chaos of having 2 kids meant that the quiet in between was lovely. Still made friends at classes but really enjoyed the solo walks, less pressure to be doing x y z.