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How can we help our 4yo daughter stop coming into our bed?

13 replies

kel1910 · 12/04/2026 23:09

As above!

DD was always brilliant at sleeping through from about 12 months. We've always kept an open mind to co-sleeping as we did it before she went into her own room at 8 months, but especially when she moved to a bed she could get out from and realised she could come to us easily.

She's had a significant amount of big changes in her little life and she doesn't do change! We moved house into my parents for a few months (and she LOVES her grandparents) before we moved into our now home. Baby brother came along soon after (which is when the night creeping into bed started, but only as and when and not too often, and it did stop) and she moved from a childminder setting into preschool, which she loves and absolutely was the right thing for her. But pretty much since she started at nursery, she's been into our bed every single night.

At first, we weren't too bothered. She wouldn't fuss, and still doesn't, and just gets in. Most of the time I wake up in the morning and she's just there! If she wakes us, we'll put her back in her bed if she's asleep, and a few hours later, she's back again. We've even guided her back to bed and she's gone off fine. But if one of us wakes up, we move her. I don't actually remember a time when she kicked off being put back to her own bed. I did have a suspicion she was sleepwalking for a while, but I'm not sold on it.

I'm not too bothered by it at all. I'd rather her sleep, we get our sleep and I know she'll grow out of it eventually. DH on the other hand isn't so much and moans most mornings about it. He says he's worried about how this will affect her later on and he sees how children struggle with separation anxiety on residentials at school (he currently teaches year 6). She stays out at her grandparents once a week and does exactly the same there, just climbs into their bed and drifts off!! They're equally not as bothered as apparently I was 'always in their bed' 🙈 however, as much as he says she needs telling, DH will 99% of the time just leave her as he cba with the tears and the fighting with her at stupid o'clock in the morning as he can get quite cross quite quickly. He doesn't do interrupted sleep (hahaha I hear you all say, I know, it's like we're parents!)

She used to sleep with a fleece blanket that she'd put in her mouth to settle her. She'd just do it subconsciously no matter how many reminders you gave her. We went to the dentist a couple of weeks back, and he said she's got a slight overbite and the blanket needed to stop. Rods for our own backs, I know, but we tried and failed to take it off her for the best part of 2 years so we decided she's old enough to go cold turkey. She took it upon herself last week to empty baskets of clean and dirty washing to find anything remotely fleecy to chew on! Everything is now hidden and it's all starting to click with her that she can't have them. She's got a stuffed toy that feels similar so we gave her that to cuddle, but she's not really one for teddies so she wasn't really bothered.

We did a couple of nights on a blow up bed next to her this week. First night she woke up and tried to wander to our room, so when she realised I was there, after the initial confusion, she just wanted to cuddle into me. She did the same thing with her dad the following night before she was ill through the night, but that's another story!

We tried a new tactic tonight (red light/green light on her yoto as a sleep clock) and she woke up about an hour ago in hysterics, saying she wanted to get into mummy and daddy's bed and she just sobbed uncontrollably for ages. She says she misses her blanket, and she likes to be in our bed (but she likes her bed too!) and the red light scared her, even though it switches off after a while! We cuddled, she settled, I promised we'd go to the shops at the weekend and find a snuggly toy that will help her like her blankey.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next. Is there anything glaringly obvious we need to try? As I said, I'm not too worried about it, and it really should be DH doing the research I suppose, but anyone done anything that worked? Or did anyone's child grow out of it before they started school? Is this more normal than DH thinks?

Sorry for the ramble!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Treviarpelli · 12/04/2026 23:18

My dc have never slept in with us but even so o think you should let your little do so for now. If sjs not disturbing you and she’s dealt with a lot recently it seems like a bad time to stop. She will stop of her own accord eventually and if not then you can train her when other changes have settled

Justmadesourkraut · 12/04/2026 23:32

I'm sure if your dh looked at the literature he would find that confident happy children have the least problems striking out on their own eg on school residentials.

Ds1 co-slept with us until 3 and I was pregnant. (I needed the space to toss and turn and be hot so I explained and he got to choose a present to celebrate being big enough to sleep all night in his bed. . . )

Ds2 was just like your daughter. He only stopped joining us at night when he was 8, but otherwise knew he was free to come in for a cuddle if that's what he wanted. Then he stopped. Neither boy had any problem heading off on residential or anywhere else. Meet their needs. Talk about everything, including feelings, and enjoy the snuggles whilst they are on offer . . . It won't hold her back.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/04/2026 08:30

I am so annoyed your DH is the one that has a problem not anyone else and he has outsourced this as a problem for you to solve. He’s the ‘child expert’ he should do it himself if at all.

however I think you should just let her and get a bigger bed for you all maybe, or maybe get your daughter a big double so you can go in with her and leave him, or he can transfer to her bed if she wakes him up. I do sympathize that teachers have to be up very very early.

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khaa2091 · 13/04/2026 08:42

If you are looking for something cuddly - my 4yr has a white company sheep snuggler in her bed with a duplicate at grandparents (she stays there if I am working nights). He never comes out and stays in the bed (“so he can’t get lost”) and works well for cuddling to go to sleep or if she wakes up. Could you take her to choose x2 and explain that they are for her big girl bed?

endofthelinefinally · 13/04/2026 08:51

She is only 4 and has had a lot of disruption in her little life. Your dh is showing his ignorance about 4 year olds by comparing them with 10 year olds.
I would let her be for a bit longer and don't make a big deal of it.
The most important thing you can do for her is make her feel safe and secure in the midst of all these life changes.

FusionChefGeoff · 13/04/2026 08:58

Agree with everyone else - she’s only little; the current set up works well for you and her so just leave it. DH doesn’t even seem to realise she’s there so it doesn’t actually affect him either???

She’s years and years away from residentials and is currently going through a big life phase (another baby) and lots of changes so let her feel safe and loved!

HVPRN · 13/04/2026 09:02

Morning! I gently think taking away blanket and restricting from your bed is double whammy all at once, after the life changes described? Maybe she heard the discussions too between you. I don’t know. For me, 4y is little.

Anyway, my eldest left our bed at 5y, decided herself she was big. Never came back. My second left at 7, both late teens now and so independant and confident (from younger age). Evidence suggests it’s because we met their emotional needs. We’re all just trying our best parenting. You’ll find the way that works for you all.

Namechangedforspooky · 13/04/2026 09:06

If you’ve got space I would just get a bigger bed. She wants to feel safe that’s all.
one of mine did this, stopped naturally at 5 or 6.
Neither of mine want to cuddle in bed any more and I miss it, they’re little for such a short time.

If your DH is bothered let him research it!

nextchapterplease · 13/04/2026 12:52

yep I agree with everyone else this is a non issue ! We went through something similar with my DS after a house move and I spent ages trying to follow the ‘rules’ of taking him back to his own room etc and after waking up frozen and aching on his bedroom
carpet I had an epiphany and just let it roll with him coming in to us and never sending him away
No regrets at all !
We put a mattress at the end of our bed that he could use whenever he wanted to once he was old enough too. 4 is still little it’s absolutely fine she seeks nighttime comfort.

Thundertoast · 13/04/2026 12:55

I think you need to take this off your plate and if he complains, say 'okay, so what are YOU going to do about it?'

Ihaveoflate · 13/04/2026 12:59

Get your daughter a bigger bed (if you have room) and get in with her instead. Then your DH can have knock himself out with his big, lonely bed.

Seriously though, we still sleep with our 6 year old. She calls in the night and we take it in turns to get in with her and spend the rest of the night there. Maximum sleep for all, lots of cuddles and a secure and happy little girl.

BertieBotts · 13/04/2026 13:05

I mean, DH can't have it both ways, he can either wait for her to grow out of it or he can take her back to bed calmly without getting cross. It only takes a few days of repeating it before they get the idea.

I think the separation anxiety/homesickness issue is a red herring. For one thing school residentials are years and years away and she might just grow out of it by then. But also I don't think they are necessarily related. I don't remember ever sleeping in my parents' bed but I had terrible homesickness on every school trip from year 6 right the way up to year 12 when I discovered alcohol took the edge off it brilliantly Grin (Not a recommended strategy, although it did work!)

LittleSpeckleFrog · 13/04/2026 13:08

Following with interest as we have the same with our 3yo. We actually don't really mind, she has never been a great sleeper so has always co-slept with me, but I am pregnant with number 2 due fairly shortly and I am worried that this baby will be the same and we physically will not be able to co-sleep with both safely.

We only have the one bedroom at the moment, and currently her cotbed is pushed right up to the side of mine and even then she will want to actually be on my bed instead when she wakes in the night, even though hers is the same level and everything 🙈 It has definitely ramped up lately, maybe to do with the new baby on the way, and she is also waking quite a lot again so between that and being squashed half the night I am not getting much decent sleep at all. We are going to move her bed over to a different section of the room but I fear that will be even worse as we will lose the 'buffer' area of her bed at the side...which I frequently end up half-on/half-off of!

I don't want to disrupt her or make her feel pushed out but it's quite difficult when she's waking a lot.

Hope you find an answer OP!

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