Talking to 4 year old about death of a family friend

[TwinkleTwinkleX]

A family friend who was in his 60s died rather suddenly of a heart attack. My 4 year old DD was so fond of him and we would see him most weeks as he lived nearby (she used to ask if we could knock for him to chat)
I wasn’t sure whether to let her know what happened as I wasn’t sure if it’s age appropriate/ don’t want to shock her. However, she has asked to see him recently and I don’t want any of the older kids in the family letting it slip. I gently told her he had died as his heart stopped beating while he was away with his sister. She initially looked shocked and a little sad but accepted it but understandably has had lots of questions since then about when/ where etc. she also said ‘I don’t want him to die, it’s naughty of him to die’
I am now wondering if I shouldn’t have said anything? Any advice on how to talk to young children about these things?
I feel very sad about it too but want to be together in front of her xx

Yes you were right to tell the child

Just say things like 'I didn't want him to die either'

'It makes me sad too and that's ok.'

Just talk to her as it comes up

There's nothing wrong with showing you're sad either

I don't think we should shy away from these things if they come up

You have done the right thing in telling her in what sounds to have been a straightforward way since she clearly understands he is dead. If she says again she didn’t want him to die you can agree it’s very sad. Just carry on as you are and avoid euphemisms like sleeping as this can scare them. Is he buried nearby, can you take her to the grave?
She would have realised anyway around this age that people die, they have to go through it whether they know someone who died or not and there would have been the same tough moments.

So sorry to hear this. I have a DD the same age, a deceased MIL, a very frail FIL, and I dread the day we have to discuss this. I can recommend the Grief Cast podcast with Cariad Lloyd who has spoken with experts about how to talk to young children about death.

It’s been a while but I think the fundamentals were: be honest that they’re dead and are not coming back and be open to their questions which may come a little later. All the pleasantries and euphemisms we’re used to as adults (passed away, departed, left us) are unhelpful. Be clear that it happens to everyone and it’s a part of life, but nothing to be scared of.

Sending you both love x