Should we change schools?

[Tricklinn]

Looking for some advice about my 12-year-old daughter (Year 7) and whether we should consider moving her school.

She’s struggled socially since starting—finds break/lunch overwhelming, often goes to pastoral, and hasn’t really formed close friendships. She does have a few friends, but isn’t particularly close to anyone, and overall it’s the environment she finds difficult. Although it’s a relatively small school, she finds it very crowded and intense (especially in corridors), and feels behaviour isn’t always well controlled.

There have also been a few concerns this year (including a racial slur incident I don’t feel was handled well, and a general sense that some girls (a particular group) can be quite dominating and unkind).

Recently, something happened that’s made things worse. My daughter gave another girl’s number to her friend (which I know was wrong), and the friend sent anonymous messages pretending to be someone else. The messages themselves weren’t unkind—they were more of a prank, pretending to know her and asking her to guess who it was. However, it understandably made the girl feel uncomfortable. This only lasted about 30 minutes in total, then stopped, and my daughter apologised quickly and genuinely.

She didn’t send the messages herself, but she felt so bad that she took full responsibility, even saying she told her friend to send them (which wasn’t true), because she panicked and was trying to protect her friend. Her friend goes to a different school, so won’t face the fallout, whereas my daughter is now dealing with it.

The girl was upset and has told others (it happened around a birthday sleepover), and now my daughter is very anxious about going into school. One of the girls has said her apology isn’t accepted.

We are considering another school which isn’t at full capacity and seems much calmer, with better behaviour. My daughter likes the idea of a completely fresh start, as she feels the current environment is too intense for her—but she’s understandably worried about being the “new girl” and not knowing anyone.

I’m torn because:

• she’s very sensitive and visibly upset
• she already wasn’t settled socially
• I don’t fully trust the school to handle things well
• but I don’t want to overreact to a situation that may blow over

Would you expect something like this to fade quickly, or could it have longer-term impact? And would you consider moving schools in this situation?

Any advice really appreciated.

I’m not sure a new school would be any different. Have you considered the possibility that your daughter maybe neurodivergent?

So usually things settle tremendously in Y8. I wouldn’t necessarily be forcing a move, but sure, I’d consider it if it’s what she wanted.

The incident with the friend and the phone number is a nothing burger. It will blow over quickly. These things happen on a weekly basis. That said, if she’s already struggling with friendships, I think you do need to have a frank conversation that this is no way to improve that situation. I can see why the friend was upset and even worse that she said she sent the messages herself when she didn’t.

She’s certainly not done herself any favours. If she’s going to make a fresh start, she can’t be doing that stuff at the new school too. I think before moving I’d want to give some consideration to how much is the school, how much is her own silly behaviour and how much is just Y7 and will be easy by next year when they are no longer the smallest fish in the sea. You won’t want to change again the next year if nothing improves.

I moved schools at 14 (slightly different school system, we lived abroad) for similar reasons. The school I was at just had some really nasty, nasty kids. Lots of closed friendship groups and lots of low level teasing and bullying. On paper it was an excellent school, with great results, and in an affluent area. But one wrong move and you were the target of a bunch of nasty girls and boys. And then I made lots of stupid mistakes, similar to your DD here, to try and get an "in" with some girls but it just backfired and didn't work.

I had a much, much better time at the new school. Bullying just wasn't a thing, it was a quieter and more academic school, the teachers were just, I don't know, different? They cared about the kids, not just the results. I made friends (one is still my friend now after 20 years) and it was nice to "confirm" I was not the problem.

I would if she likes the idea of a fresh start.