Grandparent telling 4 year old ‘don’t tell anyone’ about food she feeds them.

[MCMP13]

Grandparent sees my child 3/4 times a week. Sometimes for childcare but not needed, mostly cause we live close and do a lot together and see each other a lot - usually have a good relationship.

However they are known to give my child a lot of sugar every time we see them - chocolate, biscuits, sweets, Fanta. Spoke to them numerous times about this and it stops maybe for a week then it starts again. The other day we were at their house for an hour and came home. My child then told me that in the kitchen grandparent give them a bar of chocolate, let them eat it in secret and grandparent said to them ‘don’t tell anyone’ despite parents specifically saying they can’t have anything that day as we were going to a party later.

i understand grandparents like to ‘spoil’ their grandkids and maybe I wouldn’t mind if they saw them less but I feel like they are being taught terrible eating habits from them and I’m stuck what to do now. They are clearly not listening. Any advice or anyone been in similar situation?

If you don't agree with what they are giving your child which is fair , you either have to tell them to stop or maybe not leave your child there 4 times a week and cut down the alone visits.

I'd be more worried about keeping a secret over the sugar intake.

Thank you for your reply however my child is not left there 4 times a week. We see them 4 times a week. It happens in secret when us parents are actually present in the house. I don’t use the grandparent for regular childcare.

I don’t like the don’t tell aspect of this because little ones shouldn’t be encouraged to keep secrets about adults. I would keep a close eye on your child and be firm with grandparents that visits will stop if this continues.

I wouldn’t be happy with asking them to keep secrets at all.

I understand that grandparents like to spoil grandchildren, but I don’t think they get to do that with grandchildren they see 4 times a week because then it’s not an occasional treat from grandma, its their regular diet.

I would say It’s time to show them the effect and a consequence.

Hi Mum, we need to address what happened yesterday. Giving Emma treats behind our backs and telling them 'don’t tell anyone' is a massive breach of our trust. We’ve asked many times for the sugar sweets to stop, and it’s clearly not being respected. There are other alternatives Emma could have an apple or some crackers out of the cupboard if she is hungry for a snack. We won't be coming over / having you over for the next week as we need some space to ensure our house rules are being followed. We value our relationship, but our rules as parents aren't optional. We want Emma to grow up with a lifetime sugar addiction and at her age we want to protect her teeth and general health. These are not negotiable rules.

??? something like that eg you keep doing it and now we need some space?

I’d be worried about an adult telling your child to keep a secret.
Maybe now is the time to start teaching your child that they should not agree to keep a secret with an adult.
When you visit them try to keep your child in your view at all times. It might seem odd if you’re following them around. But you’ve already expressed that you don’t want them having certain foods and they’re not listening to you. So you’ll have to supervise.
You could also take some healthier snacks with you and when you get there let your child eat some so the grandparents can see the child is eating something and might be less inclined to give anything else.
Another option is to actually sit the grandparents down and talk it through properly. Express concern about them asking your child to keep a secret and about the types of food they’re giving them. Say you’d like to be asked if the child can have food before they give it to them.

It’s not acceptable to tell children to keep secrets from their parents.

It sounds like your mother has blurred boundaries. You need to be able to trust her and you can’t.

I had an il like this.

eventually I had to accept that they were going to give the gc treats, and it was either work around it or not see them.

so we never asked them not to, just factored in an extra chocolate bar or bag of crisps into the days plans.

if they’re going to a party there’ll be a lot of crap around anyway. It’s one day, just make sure they eat healthily when they’re with you.

you need to speak to them again and find out why they thought it was ok to feed chocolate when you’d said no and explained that there was a party later and you didn’t want her stuffing her face and being sick.

What was it that you said that they disagreed with and why did they feed chocolate when you’d said no.

Get to the bottom of that. For example thwy may have forgotten that there way more sugar in the diet nowadays, heinz tomato soup being a prime example of hidden sugar. So it’s not like it used to be for you gran, ie a real treat. it’s an every day thing now. Too much sugar causes cavities and tooth extractions and you don’t want the child in pain.

if you cannot be sensible about sweet treats around my child i will stop bringing her. the odd treat is fine. it doesn’t have to be secret. but not all the time and not when i specifically said no and explained why such as that party.

id suggest you tell her to buy a particular small bar of something that you think is suitable to stop her buying big bars. or even better club biscuits or some such that are small.

the secrets have to stop too. girls shouldn’t have secrets from their mums . it’s not right or fair.

Thanks everyone. We have sat down and spoke about it numerous times , i honestly couldn’t count. The times i do actually leave them I leave snack options and they’ve been given them all and additional. I do think this time by telling them ‘don’t tell anyone’ it’s took it too far and talking about it is clearly not working anymore. Very frustrating situation really when I don’t want to stop my child seeing their grandparent but their health comes first.

@Usernamenotfound1 yeah literally what I have to do, if we go visit I have to plan snacks around it but I don’t feel like it’s fair as I would like to give my child treats sometimes - also it’s getting to the point where my child is telling me to leave as they know they’ll get more sugar when I’m gone. I never wanted to teach them that sugar was actually treat’ either tbh and everything in moderation is ok etc but I just feel like it’s teaching such bad habits that I want to stop x

I am a grandmother myself and do give my grandchildren chocolate at times. But I give them healthy snacks more often such as fruit chopped up and put in a nice little bowl.
I love feeding them but what interests me is why some grandparents only want to give out sugary treats? I’m just as happy to give mine healthy treats too.

I’m a granny/great aunt that takes care of family members. I Absolutely agree that you should not teach a child to keep secrets. It is a safeguarding issue.

I have friends who swear by the “my house my rules” approach. I WILL NOT do that. If my daughters/niece ask for a particular rule (mostly around snacks and naps) I will support them 100 percent. My very loving MIL used to care for mine once weekly. Thirty years on, I still recall the frustration of her not respecting my rules.

So I would like to the OP - establish your boundaries and stick to them. You are not being unreasonable.

I think OP’s issue is that it’s not one day. It’s 3/4 days a week, so half the time.

Ah ok.well you will need to.follow them about, this isn't a case of.grandparents spoiling them, they are deliberately undermining you, and I think it is ok to say no at the time.

I would have a serious talk with them.
Say it is a real safeguarding risk to ever tell a child that they must not tell Mum or Dad: the basis of safeguarding is that they can always tell M&D everything.
Tell them that it is very undermining to you as a parent to get your child to hide chocolate etc. And undermining a parent is not good for future years.
And ask them if they are trying to buy your child’s love? Tell them Dc will love them just the same and don’t need bribing.

I agree the secret bit would bother me most.

I would probably try starting a conversation about safeguarding. It doesn't need to be adversarial - could just start with commenting on the last safeguarding communication you've had from DC's nursery/preschool (if you get them), or some story in the paper, and move from there.

Is she actually taking the mick she’s got major boundary problems she’s been told to stop and the parents don’t like them having it but seriously all that for a small child she’s going to make them diabetic. Honestly my child would not be keeping secrets from parents and visits would be cut to once a week and not to give them any food at all if she continues visits would stop and be reassessed after 2 months.

We had issues with fil and blankets (!). Took dh physically removing him from our home for him to listen...
Wasn't a pleasant evening that one..
She doesn't have your dc's best interests.. Stop the visits for now. Of she asks why be honest..

I’m a grandma who likes to “spoil” my grandchildren but don’t do it by feeding them lots of sweat treats. I will give them fruit, will buy little things like stickers, crayons or bubbles for the garden. They have toys at my house and their own gardening sets for helping us in the garden. Can you suggest your mum “spoils” them in ways other than chocolate could she get a special toy that they only get at hers, bonus points if it’s something active like a football or a skipping rope? They will love her just the same if she plays with them, reads to them, cooks with them and just generally spends time with them.
Edited to say that I would never ask my grandchildren to keep a secret from their parents, we might plan a surprise like making mum and dad a special picture, but that would be as far as it went and my grandkids normally would tell them about the surprise straight away and not be able to keep it as a secret and I think that’s as it should be.

Just see less of them.

Just don’t let your DC be alone with them. Make it clear that you don’t encouraging keep secrets from parents, even over food, and people that ignore parents’ wishes aren’t trusted alone with DC. It’s basic safeguarding. GP can spend time with DC in the room with you, and everyone can have a lovely time. Unfortunately you’ll need to find different childcare.