Is it fair for parents to bring up "I feed, shelter, dress you" when they mess up?

[hexakhwab]

I always thought that argument was somewhat unfair growing up considering having kids is a choice. It isnt mandatory. But each time my parents made a mistake, its what came out of their mouth. And I know plenty/tons of other parents use the same line.

Thank you.

If you’re old enough to post on mumsnet, and they still feed, shelter and clothe you - then yes it’s a reasonable defence.

As you’re speaking in past tense, presumably you’re asking if this is unreasonable to say to a child - it is unreasonable and unfair. They didn’t ask to be born. It is a parent’s responsibility to fulfill basic needs including for shelter, food, cloths and emotional support.

No it’s not fair. That’s the bare minimum requirement of parents and not anything special. When a parent uses that as a ‘defence’ they’re simply deflecting and avoiding taking accountability for their actions. This is usually a trait of emotionally immature parents who don’t have the emotional bandwidth for growth and repair.

I think if your bar of good parenting is basically keeping your child alive, then you are not a very good parent.

No, of course, it’s silly. It’s like choosing to get a puppy and then having a tantrum because you have to walk it and feed it and generally look after its wellbeing. It’s part of the social contract parents make being a child into the world. I think it goes one way. A parent has an obligation to their child that isn’t wholly reciprocal. A child doesn’t have the same obligations to their parent.

Parents, like everyone, need to be accountable for their behaviour. When they make mistakes, they need to own them and fix them, not hide behind the fact they fed you pizza 20 years ago. Feeding you is an obligation. Treating you badly and not taking accountability for it is a choice.

I always thought that argument was somewhat unfair growing up considering having kids is a choice. It isnt mandatory. But each time my parents made a mistake, its what came out of their mouth. And I know plenty/tons of other parents use the same line.
Thank you. https://9apps.ooo

I got this,...

No, it’s an awful thing to say. And puerile too.

Except if you’ve got one of those hypercritical teenagers who tell you what you’re doing wrong multiple times a day, there does come a point when you want to say, you’re not doing so badly, you ungrateful little shit.

I got very very angry with my dad once (deservedly) and he actually spluttered “I joined the PTA ….. for you!”

I still laugh about it. He was desperate & it was all he had.

I do of course get cross with my own kids. The closest I’ve got is “that was very disrespectful way to treat/speak to me. I’m not giving lifts today to someone who has no respect for me. You need to arrange some other method of transportation”. It’s not happened very often but I have boundaries & limits.

Why are you posting weird links?

It is unreasonable to use against young, fully dependent children who have no other options.

If you are pushing 30, living at home with many benefits you wouldn't get from living elsewhere and yet being ungrateful/rude to your parents, then it feels like the least that they could say!

They've been threatened with getting sent to Barbados when it's all got too much.

Sorry, Barnardo's!

No it isn’t normal or reasonable. Your child (and I mean genuine dependent child not adult child) didn’t ask to be born and having clothing, food and shelter are the bare essentials as far as I am concerned. You are your child’s parent, what do you expect?!