How do I handle the children putting their dad on a pedestal?

[Legoleopard]

Hello, I need some advice please. Try not to drip feed.

Divorced 3 years started proceedings immediately so that's how long not been together. Dd 12 and ds 9.

Both their dad and I have new partners of about 2 years and its mostly amicable, can txt regarding issues, flex on a drop off time etc.

Both kids live with me. Ex works a 4 on/4 off shift pattern. When he is off work kids go to his from 3.30 til 7pm so some times it's 4 x a week other times it's 3/2/1 and he will only have them one weekend every 8 weeks.Does pay the csa amount and takes them on holiday for 1 week a year. If already on his 4 off and its a school holiday will have kids on those days. Will not use annual leave as they go on lots of hols etc. So it is just as listed above.

My issue is the kids hero worship their dad and its really starting to get to me. I feel like I do it all which I'll not moaning about but the kids absolutely worship their dad. He is on such a high pedestal and actually doesn't have to do any of the boring actual parenting.

How do you navigate this with out it driving you insane? My daughter trots out well i dont tidy my room at dad's and its getting harder to not snap well no because your never bloody there/at dad's we have hienz, yes because sometimes he does one meal and I do the other 20 for that week! I have tried explaining that we parent according to our responsibilities, conscious of their ages and understanding.

I dont feel I can talk to ex as he is very arrogant, feels he parents better as more disposable income etc so he will love to hear it and then encourage it. Any help appreciated even if it's just this is what it's like so get on with it!

I generally kept it in check, made small comments when relevant but not as a rebuttal. I found they came ‘back’ to me as they grew up and realised a few things about life. Just be the best parent you can, for them, at this time; they’ll see it in the end x

The way I got through this, was “I love my child more than I hate their Dad” 🥲 you want your children to love their Dad and think he’s this amazing being. The alternative is they hate him and it affects their whole life negatively.

I’d just keep your responses short like “you’re very lucky” and “that sounds lovely”.
My DD is learning we have different rules in our home. She’s 9 in a couple of months.
So if she says “but at Dad’s…” I’ll just say yes but you’re home now and there’s different rules here, you live here, you sleep over at your Dad’s so you have to tidy your room by yourself at home.

It’s hard, I hope it gets easier for you x

Agree. It doesn't matter if he takes them on skiing trips and buys them ponies - if you are a genuinely good, present, loving parent, then eventually they will see this and be thankful for you.
In the meantime just make generic comments like
Not everyone has the same amount of money. We won't run out of money, but we can't be buying all the expensive foods. But Tesco beans are very tasty too.
If your dad doesn't make you tidy your room that's up to him. However, I would like to teach you how to run your own house one day, if you'd like to have one? What will your house be like do you think?

Just rinse and repeat variations of ‘that’s nice’, ‘do you? Oh’ ‘gosh’ in a tone of complete and utter boredom. You can leaven it with a very cheerful ‘how lovely that we’re not all the same or life would be very boring’.

It’s just an irritating variation of ‘all my friends are allowed to…’ and the best thing is not to rise to it.

Just tell them that you're glad they have a good time with him and keep doing what you're doing. I'm not saying that it isn't frustrating , but they'll see things clearer as they grow , they'll understand that you worked hard for them and asked them to tidy their rooms so that they were prepared for adult life.

I would just tell them you are glad they enjoy being with him. Frankly they are going on holiday to his not living with him, it's likely they see it through rose tinted spectacles.

As the child of divorced parents, I would advise you not to criticise their dad (unless he’s doing something actually, objectively awful eg abuse or neglect, obviously). It’s horrible to feel at all caught in the middle, or have to adjust your feelings or behaviour to protect the feelings of either parent. I still feel this in my mid 40s, as one of my parents still harbours bitter feelings towards the other decades later. I still can’t express that I’ve had a lovely time with one parent, without the other huffing and harking back to when the other ‘buggered off’ and left them with the donkey work of child rearing. Frankly if parents choose to divorce, it’s their job to make it as easy on the kids as possible, even if that means enduring their own feelings of discomfort. Maybe controversial and definitely biased, but this is my perspective from the child’s pov.

You chose to have children with him so what do you think is best for them? Isn't ot meant to be about their needs?

Thank you for replies. Was definitely feeling a bit under valued and needed some different opinions and experiences so I could get some perspective as I know their just kids and just saying what they thought at the time.

I will water off a ducks back approach it, we do talk about their dad and lot and I never criticise him and bite tongue etc but ill admit while scrubbing the oldest ones sick out the carpet I didn't want to hear about how great dad is!

And yes years ago I did choose to have kids with him @PollyBell but people and circumstances change, isn't it better to ask for help rather than tackle tricky situations wrongly and make things worse?

Thanks all x

As someone who dealt with this with an older DD, who is now in university. I would tell you not to worry and that the parent who gave the most GENUINE care will win in the end, and I have taken from this that this is you. My DD used to put my ex on a pedestal due to gifts and lax rules when she was at his every other week until she was 18. However, this swiftly changed after she went to uni and could ultimately do what she wanted to do. Once the elements of their relationship that put him on that pedestal disappeared she then saw the true love I have for her and the relatively low effort (albeit high material input) her dad had. I totally understand how you feel, but just try to focus in purely on your relationship and ignore anything said about their dad being better etc etc ❤️

They should have him on a pedestal and be in no doubt you're on the pedestal too. Children should love and enjoy their parents and they do.

Thank you @CalmPlumDog I think i really needed to hear this today. In my friend group no one has the same situation so no real life experiences of it will look like this/this might happen/keep going etc

Thank you @likelysuspect I need some perspective. I am lucky in that their dad isn't a bad person and does see them/contribute and I should take comfort in that rather than feeling undervalued. Always good to reframe my thoughts!

I’m going to go against the other posters here and say I’m honest with my kids when they start with the “oh isn’t daddy bloody marvellous and you do nothing but nag” - I’ll say I’m sure he is and I’m sure I do but does he do x y z take you to a b c pay for this that and the other. You are more than welcome to see him for more than the 2 hours per month he sees you …..

im not working my ass off doing 99.99% of the parenting to then big him up and pretend like he is gods gift to fatherhood

They will! He's their dad.
Take credit for their great relationship and they're happy

I dont know why you would want to sow division and make a competition out of parenting when children will say anything to play parents off against each other even when they're still together. Its not different to 'johnnys mum gives him loads of chocolate and lets him stay up till 10, you're horrible'.

They probably do the same to him.

This. However hard it is, this is what you do. You take the high road, you do what needs doing. Never put him down, never bad mouth him. They will work it out. And if they don't, it's not your place to persuade them. Their relationship is with him and if he's a great Dad to them, let them have that.

You made the children together and they have his genes, it's unfair to tell them he's not a great person/Dad.

Of course, if they ask direct questions as they grow up, stay fairly neutral, but you can help them understand a bit more, but I think generally they will work stuff out as they grow up and 'get' the world around them.

Children are hardwired to put their parents on pedestals. It is part of a survival mechanism. These people are responsible for keeping you alive. You biologically need them to continue existing in babyhood and young life so you are internally conditioned to think they are great and try to keep them happy by worshiping them.

It surprises me how many people don't realise how much this is built into human DNA.

It's why children of abusive parents still love them and often seek to mirror that familiarity with a bad situation in their own relationships. In adulthood it may wear off to a degree in extremis or where there are serious estrangements but is still there in all of us.

Worshipping parents is the norm. Don't worry about it.

Absolutely this and its why parents do so much damage when they feel the need to correct the child's perception and put that right and remind them how lacking their father is

You're slagging off half of that child, how do you think that makes them feel on a subconcious level?

@likelysuspect I don’t make a competition out of it - what is there to compete with when he sees them less than the postman - but I am very clear about the realities of our lives.

I kind of agree with this... I think it's absolutely possible to gently point out some of the practical realities of your arrangement without criticism of their father e.g. "Ah yes, it must be nice to not have to tidy up at your dad's! Remember though, because you spend a lot more time here, it means your room gets messier. So you do need to keep it tidy I'm afraid."

Please don’t do this OP. One of my parents did it, and even reading this post gives me the anxious feeling in my tummy that I had when I was a child hearing it.

And its just not necessary.

Smile and nod.

(I don't always follow my own advice 😳)