No more children- how do I come to terms with this?

[Coffeechocolatebooks123]

I have two daughters who are 6 and 7 years old. I really want another child, but my huband does not. Has anyone ever felt this way and ever felt at peace with not having any more? Every time I see a pregnancy announcement or see any families with 3 children I get so emotional. I realise I am very lucky to have two healthy daughters but really don't know if I will ever get over this feeling.

I didn't so we had a third. She's 16 now and the absolute love of my life. The older two are as well of course but I needed 3 and felt complete when she was born. DH and her are very close too and he doesn't have regrets. I wouldn't be able to let it go either, I hope you get your third too.

I felt the same a couple of years back- it felt like a deep loss for pregnancy and baby days. . However, with two at 8 and 6 now I feel I’ve lost that yearning and am happy with our family of four and the adventures we can have now that they’re a little older. I’m also very aware how lucky we are to have two healthy children. I still get a little emotional looking at baby and toddler photos though.

how old are you? I’m 44 and wonder whether hormones also played a part in my feelings.

I did, but it passed.. and honestly now, I'm quite enjoying not having a little one. Looking ahead at more of my own time, and enjoying a more and more mature/grown relationship with my son.

Also there are some nice benefits, less kids, means that everything is that much more affordable which helps a lot. We can pay for more of my son's hobbies and clubs, let him travel more, and we are able to pay for his private schooling and university. If we had 2, not so much.. 3? Absolutely not. It isn't just money though, I appreciate how much time I can give my son, because I'm not splitting it with other children.

I'm not saying that having less children is better.. but there is a cultural idea in the uk that more = always better, and that families are not complete without X kids.. but there are also trade offs to having more, and those silver linings can make it easier to accept if you don't end up with the amount you envisioned.

Thank you for your reply. What is the age gap between your children?

Just think of the cost of putting THREE kids through university. Another child is like another 50k basically for university alone (university fees are almost 10k per year now, plus they need money for housing and food). God help you if they decide to study medicine!

I am 36, my husband is 42. I have been asking him about a third for 3 years now. I am hoping that one day something just changes and I dont want any more... but not sure that will ever happen. I worry that I will have that constant regret.

Yes true, practically and money wise it makes sense to stick with three.
I just always want them to have lots of siblings.

Not everyone goes go uni though. I'm stating the obvious I know. But I don't think uni costs should put someone off having a child as that's not a given.

The older 2 are 22 and 20 now.

And as another poster mentioned university, I have 2 in uni right now and its not that bad. We aren't high earners (£80k household) and they both have student loans and get summer jobs and work hard for a few months so they have spending money for the term times.

Let yourself feel the difficult feelings and realise that they will pass. An urge is not always something to act on. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents, so the parent who doesn't want another child gets the veto. If your DH has decided, and it sounds as if he has, you need to focus on the feelings and the knowledge that, while difficult, they will pass.

Mine are 21 and 26, I wanted a third but knew realistically we could not afford it. The uni years are brutal on finances!!

Of course. It was just an example of extra costs. Put 3 years of nursery costs in my reply instead of uni costs and you may even need to add £££ to the total 😅

Imagine 3 years of full time nursery costs AND 3 year of uni 🤢

I spent a day with my friend who has a toddler…it quickly sorted out my broody feelings…I’d forgotten how absolutely exhausting it is.

I wanted a third but DH didn’t, and we didn’t have a third. It was purely selfish of me. Our two DDs were great. The longing for a third passed. It’s just marking and understanding that that stage of life - that you won’t be pregnant or have a baby and child again - is finished.

I think you are right with never being pregnant or having a newborn again. An end of an era that was completely and utterly amazing.

Haha maybe I should do this!!

I will be honest, I really wanted a third and DH didn’t. It really drove a wedge between us and we had a very difficult time.

I told him that if he didn’t want any more then it was up to him to sort out contraception because I didn’t think it was fair that I had to actively prevent something I desperately wanted. Long story short- he didn’t and we have our third. He is the absolute light of all of our lives.

There is a 10 and 8 year age gap between him and the older ones and I do slightly resent that he doesn’t have that close in age sibling that the others do if we were going to end up with three anyway but he is perfect and completes our family.

Thank you for sharing. Just today I have thought about a third at least every hour or so. It is constantly on my mind. Whenever I mentioned it to my husband up until a month ago I would bring up trying so many times. I have now given up on saying anything as I know he doesn't want another.
Maybe I should tell him to get a vasectomy and hopefully will follow in the same path as you!!