How to meet other 1st time mums over 40

[MrsPeacockWithTheCandlestick]

I feel very lucky to have my baby after years of unexplained infertility. Me and DH are early 40s. All our friends have much older kids and when I go to local baby groups, the mums are a lot younger and generally at a different stage of life.
Some of the mums I’ve met are really lovely but I just don’t have much in common with them.

My parents are elderly and my sister lives abroad. I feel a bit out of the loop in how to make the best of my mat leave and my time as a parent generally. DS is 6 months.

I wondered if there are ways to meet other mums who have had a baby later in life, maybe unexpectedly, etc. or how best to cope feeling on the periphery like you don’t really fit in.

Most mums don't have a lot in common other than a baby of the same age. It's rare to click and I think age isn't a factor. I think you have preconceived notions that you're old and you've nothing in common and you're not giving younger mothers a chance. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm in the same boat as you though, I'm about 15 years older than a lot of the other mums I meet.

I had a baby in my early 40s and I was surprised how many mums of a similar age are in the baby classes etc I’ve attended. But I also agree with PP, I didn’t have any issues bonding with mums in their 30s (or any age really).

2-3% of mums have their first child over 40 OP so your friendship choosing pool is very small if you limit it to 40 year olds and older. If you don't have a lot in common with them, it won't necessarily be an age thing. It'll just be because there's not much in common ground although. I also don't think you need 'much in common' to be friends with people? A lot of my friends are very different to me and have different interests, and that's okay because I love them, not what they're interested in

I had my first child at 41 and was surprised by how many parents were close to my age. Late thirties generally, so not a million miles away from my age. The percentage of women having babies over 40 is small, but someone who is 37, 38, 39 is only out of your grouping by reason of that magical new decade that seems to separate people arbitrarily. I can’t say I managed to strike up a friendship with any of the ones close to my age. I honestly felt a bit fed up because the mums at baby/toddler groups were cliquey and unfriendly. But when I had my second baby at 45, the mums in that group were much much friendlier, despite many (most?) of them being at least 10 years younger than me. One in particular I remained good friends with and she was about 15 years younger than me. It was surprising how much we had in common. I also got along really well with her mum😆

Mat leave is to care for your child and recover from birth.

I think you may have some misguided expectations from mum friends. I made a lot of mum friends by going to groups early on (since 6 weeks) but they all faded once we all went back to work. All you have in common is having given birth at the same time. All we had to talk about was babies, birth etc.

My really friends stayed as friends long term. I would invest more in those friendships.

I think you just need to put yourself out there and go to as much as possible. I had my first in my early 30s and 2nd in late 30s and there were absolutely mums in all my groups in their 40s. That said, you may not find you have much in common with them, even if you are the same age, as it’s possible they will not be first time mums. Realistically, if you want older mums, I’d pitch yourself into the more middle class groups and hippy dippy ones. I definitely found more older mums at, say, baby yoga and NCT than the free classes at the library given the demographics of who is more likely to be an older mum (often professional women).

Thank you all. I really appreciate your comments and you have given me a lot to think about.

I think there are things I could try and also things I could do to look inward and manage myself a bit more as well.