Endless screaming

[ActualMermaid]

My just turned 3 year old has been screaming for months when he is told no, or not right now, or maybe later, or anything of the sort.

When I say screaming, I mean, shrill, high-pitched shrieking, kicking and scratching for literal hours. I don't know how my neighbours haven't kicked off yet because my sanity is literally hanging on by a thread. They have patience of saints.

I've tried ignoring, being firm, disciplining with the naughty step, acknowledging his feelings, trying mindfulness, we have borrowed books about angry feelings from the library, reward charts, distractions, etc. Nothing is working. He is my 2nd child and I have never experienced anything like this before, and previously he was so loving and easy going. I feel like I'm failing as a mum, I'm scared to do anything with him because I don't know how to calm him down. I'm covered in scratches from him lashing out mid-tantrum and I'm so sad because I miss my sweet boy. At first I thought it was just a phase but this is multiple times a day now since November and I'm so exhausted with it all.

Any suggestions? We have tickets to see the Wiggles tomorrow and I'm anxious it's going to be awful. I don't want to go.

Does he go to nursery? How is his behaviour there, have they mentioned any concerns? My dd age 5 is similar, we regularly get scratched, hit and pinched and she doesn’t calm down easily. She’s on the ASD and ADHD pathway. Not saying your DS is, it could just be a phase and my dd has lots more traits, but something to watch out for if it carries on.

I’m sorry, it sounds horrible.

You say you’ve tried lots of things but have you tried consistently for 3 weeks or more?

can you give an example of what happens when he starts a tantrum?

What’s his speech like?

He is at nursery 2 days a week and has hated it. Honestly, I would say that his starting nursery was probably the first signs of his personality changing like this, which breaks my heart. He went in screaming every morning. He is much more settled these days though I still wouldn't say he's a big fan, but we have no other childcare options. They say his behaviour at nursery is fine once he is settled. What were some of your daughters other symptoms if you don't mind me asking?

His speech and vocabulary are excellent, but when he is angry like this, he can't communicate properly - he just screams and refuses to/is unable to talk.

Maybe not every single one of these for 3+ weeks but generally we are really consistent about acknowledging his feeling, sympathising but emphasising no hurting others, then distracting.

His tantrums are 0-100 in the blink of an eye. As soon as he gets an answer he doesn't like, he starts shrieking. If I try to soothe or explain my answer, or even change the subject, he lashes out hitting or scratching. You can't even get close to him. He doesn't use words, he just screams. He refuses to speak or say sorry. He will continue until he tires himself out unless we give in in some form, which I obviously try not to do.

This sounds really difficult. When my DD lost it at this age, I used to stand silently close by and not engage with her at all. Once it had passed, I'd carried on as though nothing had happened. Maternal greyrocking. Worth a try?

He's pushing your buttons to get a reaction. So stop engaging. Easier said than done, I know, but to a degree all of mine did this and it was thankfully a passing phase. Give no attention whatsoever and just keep walking away. Take a very deep breath each time and count to 100!

He sounds like my DS. Sadly he is now 7 and although he is better in some ways, he is also, of course, much bigger and so his violence is much more scary- we have bruises and I've had scary moments with him where he's thrown heavy objects at my head, grabbed my ponytail and yanked my head back with it whilst I'm driving, and a number of other terrifying behaviours. In between his outbursts he's great fun but we tread on eggshells cpnstantly. We are currently in the middle of a huge meltdown because I had the temerity to tell him it was bedtime. I love him so much but to be honest I often don't like parenting him. I would suggest to get some help ASAP- try the GP, the Health Visitor, early help - keep making a fuss until someone helps! Good luck.

The screaming and meltdowns are a big one, but others things are that she has so much energy she just doesn’t stay still and won’t calm down for bed/go to sleep until late, struggles to concentrate on her schoolwork at home like getting her to read through her whole reading book is impossible for her, she’s affected by noise especially when she’s already agitated, sensory issues with certain textures and things like the wind and foods, she’s very social and loves her friends but she struggles with some interactions and will scream at them if something isn’t right. She’s high masking though so these things aren’t always apparent to everyone, it took a year for it really to come out in school.

My daughter was like this. She would have really extreme meltdowns that would last ages. It felt like she was screaming for the majority of the day. She was fine at nursery and out and about but being home with her was incredibly tough. When my second was born, I bought him baby ear defenders because I was so worried about the impact it would have on him. Like you, I tried everything to no avail. I have often wondered if she could be neurodivergent- the GP said it sounds like it but we haven’t had any assessment. She’s nearly 6 and she’s much calmer. She can still be a challenge but we don’t get the extreme meltdowns anymore. I’m not sure if that’s helpful but I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Some children are highly sensitive and it’s hard to explain just how bad it is to people that don’t see it.