Struggling with my toddler while my husband works away

[Kittenmum89]

I’m feeling so overwhelmed and feel I am such a bad mum. To give a bit of background I have a 21 month old son, my husband works away. He is away for 3 weeks then home for 3 weeks (total away 6 months of the year). I also work 3 days a week however very lucky to have help from family to watch him when I work.

My DS is the most beautiful, smart , funny , energetic little boy. I love him so much. The thing is I am really struggling with him right now. Especially when my husband is away. And this trip has been the worst. We are in the middle of molar teething and and tantrums.he is so clingy just now always wants held or up, even when out a walk in his pram if I don’t hold his hand he has a meltdown. He won’t eat dinner or any food. I get overwhelmed then he does. I’m not the mum I wanted to be I always shouting or stressed crying or screaming into pillows. I’m honestly hanging on my a thread. It’s like a physical pain I feel I am so overwhelmed. I just have zero patience with him and that’s horrible he is only 21 months. What mum has no patience with a 21 month old. I don’t think I deserve to be his mum. I have spent every night and day this week crying. Crying alone, crying in front of son. Crying at the safari park as he had a tantrum and kept trying to head butt me. Crying in my car park. My husband bless him every day this week has had be on FaceTime crying. Even in the car when I had to walk out the safari park when my son had his tantrum when trying to ch age him. It was so bad I ended up jumping up and down on the spot as I was just done. Then when I tried to calm my son and cuddle him he tries to head butt me.
just today when trying to bring shopping in (live on a top floor 2 bed flat. Trying to buy a bigger house too) my son had a meltdown as I couldn’t carry him as had all the bags, I ended up dropping the bags smashing a jar or gherkins and carry him and a week of shopping up 2 flights of stairs.

how do mums do this ?

The saying…this too will pass.. is entirely true.
however when you are in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel like it.

I would try and simplify some things. Maybe get groceries delivered after he’s gone to bed. He obviously sounds overwhelmed so maybe give visits to places safari parks a miss just now as it’s a lot.
Obviously he needs fresh air and exercise but apart from that I would plan very little. As long as he is eating something then I wouldn’t force sitting for dinners, maybe smaller things he can pick at. Teething is misery, I have a teenager with wisdom tooth pain and she was off her food.
I can remember at this age staying in quite a bit and just sitting in the front room and playing/watching something and just trying to get through the day.

Have you considered Sertraline or something similar? It sounds like things are too much at the moment, and that could take the edge off.

@2026newname your first go to is medication? think we’re past mummy's little helper years!!
OP you do deserve to be his mum, we all have days when we feel overwhelmed, don’t be so hard on yourself.
This will pass, be kind to yourself.

In it with you. It is extreme! I think consistency is key - in your rules, in your routine & everything.
dose up on calpol for teething!
easier said than done I know x

I can’t relate as my DH doesnt work away as much but it is so hard. I wouldn’t have gone to a safari park? Toddlers don’t care about activities like that yet; i think you need to scale back any big plans like that. Go to the park/playground; go swimming. Get groceries delivered. Don’t worry if he doesn’t eat; toddler appetite varies all the time. In your situation I’d be paying for some regular childcare during the week but then get family to help you at the weekend instead when your DH is away? Might be more helpful for you. With the funded hours, 2 days a week at nursery would cost barely anything.

I have a similar aged DS and they really test you. I don't think I would manage to be alone with him 24/7 on non-working days, I'd say pay for childcare in addition to family help.

Many kids his age are in nursery 5 days a week.

Mine is two months older and is also in the clingy "Mummy carry, Mummy cuddle" phase. It's so hard. Mine will scream for me when Daddy tries to get them on the potty or anything they don't feel like. It is hardddd.

Do you go to any play groups? There are council stay and play sessions in my city, they have nursery nurses and health visitors who run them, so you can get advice as well as company and fun for the little one. I have walked in and burst into tears in the past! They might have some strategies to help.

More broadly - how is your son's language? Is the headbutting linked to particular triggers? Mine sometimes hits us and hits their own head when really tired. I hate it, find it very stressful.

I'd say to lower expectations abit; my toddler wouldn't enjoy a safari park.

things we do;
parks
feed the ducks
play groups - council, church, community centre ran so tend to be free or £1.
swimming
library - they do things like singing, reading little groups.
scooter
soft plays - better through week in term time
even a walk round the estate helps take the edge off

agree with getting shopping delivered and nursery for a couple of days.

You do sound completely overwhelmed. I don’t think setraline should be the first thing to think of but it does sound as though you do need some support.

Crying everyday isn’t normal. Although I’m sure lots of Mums do.

Could you contact the PANDAS Foundation tonight when he’s asleep and then tomorrow call your HV and let her know you’re struggling? She may be able to put you in touch with a local support group for Mums who are struggling or she may offer to put you in touch with Homestart.

It sounds as though your family are being really helpful already. Would they be willing to look after DS for a few more hours so that you can meet up with a Friend?

How would you feel about doing more days at work and paying for childcare on the additional days?

Thanks for your replies.

i do already do some baby groups. So a music class usually on a Friday. We are at the park most days and soft play also once a week.
im actually a member of the safari park so get in for free and we do go regularly and he does enjoy it for the park etc. However on this occasion when we were there (with friends who had kids too) it started to torrential rain, he wouldn’t sit in pram. Then we came across a Thomas the tank ride on and he wouldn’t leave it he sat in it for twenty minutes before I had to pull him away and wrestle him back into pram.(team this with a down pour - recipe for disaster) . Then the whole nappy ch age just was the cherry on top I think when I felt already stressed.

if I was to work more the extra money would just go to childcare. It also means he would only have a parent at weekends as my husband is away 6 months of the year. I think he is to wee for that and should a parent present as much as possible while so small. I’m very lucky usually my mother in law takes him over night when husband is away at least once however she has broke her foot so hasn’t been able to watch him. Due to this my mum has took him more, meaning when she would normally have him over night too I haven’t wanted to ask as she was already helping out as it was.

thankfully my husband got home today. So things will get easier. I’m not normally so teary and stressed and I patient. I think all the scenarios have created a perfect storm for me to have a mini mum breakdown.

Regarding a parent being always present - it will actually become harder for you to work more /pay for childcare later.

This is the time where they need a good caregiver above all else. You are in large parts replaceable right now. Once he gets older, YOU are not replaceable anymore. He will need a parent, not just childcare.

Glad that your DH is home. I would still talk to your HV though. You can get some support in place before your DH goes away again

I am thinking once he is 2 I can pop him into a playgroup for a few hours on a day I am not working for some rest bite also.

Do you have those locally @Kittenmum89? I know they were a thing before but there aren’t any within travelling distance from us. There are Preschools but they usually want you to sign up for more than a couple of hours.

Sunday evenings when DH was away were the absolute worst. Glad youve got your husband home for a bit.

Does the daily pace change every 3 weeks? Or do things stay fairly similar for your little one?

Id make things very simple when you are on your own. Get stocked up on everything while there are 2 adults then you only need the stuff that spoils when you are on your own (ie minimize the jars of gerkins you buy when parenting solo!). Also get sone easy meals in the freezer for you, and if its pizza and sandwiches and eggs on toast, that's fine.

Id echo talking to the HV - crying everyday isnt typical. But solo parenting isnt a walk in the park either (ive just done 4 weeks, but mine are teens now).

Yes we have a couple local to where I am thankfully

I keep his routine very similar to when my husband is away and home. Same time for eating and bedtime etc.

Im quite good at batch cooking when husband is away so I can just reheat something from the freezer when he is away. I also try to cook when my son naps so not having to juggle to much when he is awake.