How to parent 10 yr old comparing their life to others?

[thisist]

DS is a complete extrovert and wants to experience every single thing life has to offer. He has a major fear of missing out, yet we live in an area where families are doing it all. He’s starting to mention at bedtime feeling sad, thinking about friends having certain holidays or how they celebrate Xmas/Easter etc. Then of course the clothes and bikes.

I’ve tried to explain how privileged his life is compared to so many others. But I also do validate his feelings, as I know what it’s like to feel someone’s life looks to be so much better, and it’s not always under our control - it isn’t always the case that you can just work harder to have a better life.

Interested to hear if others have gone through this with their kids and what helped?

Following with interest as my dd is a bit younger but we've started to have similar comparisons. I feel like she needs to mix with a more diverse group of kids and I have thought about getting her involved in raising money for a charity/volunteering when a bit older.

Following with interest as my dd is a bit younger but we've started to have similar comparisons. I feel like she needs to mix with a more diverse group of kids and I have thought about getting her involved in raising money for a charity/volunteering when a bit older.

With DC, I have always been very open that some people are richer than us, and some are poorer, and we are in the middle. The choices made for our family mean that I chose to work less hours and spend more time with them, and the consequence of that is that our household income is less than it could have been. As they have got older, this follows through into a conversation about making career choices that will support the lifestyle they wish to have.

We get this a lot. Sometimes about "being poor" in general. Sometimes about the size/condition of our house.
I have directed her to the Ifs income calculator and shown her how we fall exactly in the middle.
Then I explain that she might feel poor because she mixes with a lot of well off people and it's skewed her sense of what's normal.
Finally I tell her that the small house was a deliberate choice and it allows us to afford all the days out/holidays/posh extra curriculas where she meets richer kids.
When she grows up she can make her own choices and they might be different and that's OK.
It's gradually getting through.
Her brother goes to a much rougher school and we've never had any of this from him. He knows how lucky we are.

I think it’s definitely relative to those around you. I’ve just done that online calculator and I’m very surprised at how we compare to others, apparently we’re better off than 95% of the population. My children know we’re are fortunate, but we live in an area with lots of very well off people. For example, they know lots of other people who go to private schools (they don’t), who live in houses worth close to a million pounds (NW, not London) and have multiple holidays abroad every year. E.g Lapland or skiing in winter, then somewhere else Easter and summer. Ds school recently sent home a letter about a school trip costing almost £3000. My children have a nice life. But we’re are not even close to the bracket of some of their friends so by comparison can feel ‘poor’ even though we are far from it.

We had this briefly.

We live in an affluent area and I was a SAHM then a Teaching Assistant for a while. DS had friends with houses in Abersoch and regular holidays to exotic places. I asked if that was what he really wanted, because I could go back to my old job which paid a lot. But he would have to go into wraparound care at school and holiday clubs in the holidays. He decided having me around was better.

We have discussed this since and both he and DD agreed it was better our way. They can travel to exotic places themselves now that they are older. They haven’t missed out in the long run.

Is he enrolled in after school club activities? Sports, musical instruments, amateur dramatics? What chores does he do around the house? Is he reading for enjoyment? Does he have a smartphone?

It's natural at their age as they become more aware of social standings and peer group dynamics. Sometimes the best way is just to keep them busy and to have them focused on developing skills and their aspiration as opposed to acquiring things and parity with friends. Delaying/minimising smartphone use also helps reduce peer pressure.

This thread reminds me of someone I used to work alongside. We are in a Grammar school area, her elder daughter got a place at the Grammar. That daughter was always comparing her situation negatively with some of her wealthier classmates. The younger daughter didn't get a place at Grammar so went to a pretty nice all girl 'comprehensive'. When the younger daughter invited a couple of class mates round she specifically asked her mum, dad and sister not to mention their planned holiday to France because as she put it 'my friends families don't have the money to go on any holiday and I don't want them to feel Im showing off'. Two kids only 2 years apart in age but seeing their social and economic status in such different ways.

I just imitate verruca salt. "I want a squirrel daddy!!!" That usually sorts it.