Overcoming Guilt as a Parent of a Neurodiverse Child

[Ittakeslonger]

Hi all,

I'm reaching out as I'm feeling really raw and guilty about my parenting. My 27-year-old son has ADHD and is autistic, but we only got the ADHD diagnosis when he was 24. He's still waiting for the ASD diagnosis. We had a heart-to-heart, and he opened up about only feeling like he can truly be himself with his brother. When I asked why he can't be himself with me, he said it's because I need him to modulate his speech and can't handle his natural flat tone.

It hit me like a ton of bricks - I've been making him mask his whole life with me, trying to make him more 'engaging' for others. I didn't know any better back then, but now I feel like I've failed him. I told him yesterday that he never has to do that with me again, but it feels like 24 years too late.

How do you overcome this guilt and move forward? How do you learn to accept that you didn't know better, but now you do?

Thanks for listening 🙏

You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.

That's all any of us can do.

He’s shared with you now, I think be gentle with yourself and just remind him how much you love him. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual and ADHD and ASD is really challenging for us parents to navigate

I don’t agree. Our job as parents is to prepare our kids for the road, not the other way around. You did the right thing, and it could have worked for many, it just didn’t work for your son. His life would be easier and less lonely had he managed to acquire the ability to move beyond the flat tone. I find it very difficult to speak to people with a flat tone. Anyway you tried your best, it didn’t work and now you’re open to letting it go. Give yourself a smile