WWYD? DC being bullied and can't cope.

[chaosiscominggrabchocolate]

What would you do? My DD is a v academically able child with Autism and has been bullied almost out of existence in two separate schools. She's currently Yr 9. One child at her current school has given her an eating disorder by mentioning her own weight and endless food references then sneering at my DD (who is tall and broad but definitely not big) for eating anything. She's managed to turn DD's friends against her as social interactions are challenging for DD so she's not good at dealing with the passive aggressive elements of girl to girl interactions. These friends I also am disgusted by. They should have stood up for DD but they are quite confrontation adverse and weak. We're now down the road of self harm and full on depression (not leaving room, speaking to no one). School just been informed but not sure what they can actually do. Unlikely to expel bully so nothing will change. What would you do? I've learnt bullies always win and can often destroy lives but nothing can really stop them. Utterly despondent and furious. We'll speak to GP etc but this takes time and isn't always that useful from experience frankly.

I would take her out of school immediately and try and find somewhere else. This is controversial but I don’t believe school can do much about bullying and I don’t believe it gets better once a child has been singled out by a bully. It’s so complex that I believe the best thing to do is leave and start fresh somewhere else.

edited to add I hope your DD recovers and feels happier again soon. Such a horrible situation for you all.

I'd take her out of school and home school. No child should have to suffer like this. It's mental torture . But there again l don't like schools these days.. it's all about statistics... my own were HE as are / were my Grandkids. ... some ASD. All done,/ doing fantastic.

I'd pull her out also.

My daughter has autism and was bullied in 3 separate schools by the students and teachers. I'm in ireland but I took her out of school and now home school her. She is going to do her junior cert in June but I couldn't keep her in school it was horrific for her and I couldn't put her through that. I would take your daughter out of school.

As someone who was bullied for most of my school career, I'd say take her out, because the school won't do very much. Either find a smaller, much more nurturing school (if there's such a thing in your area) or, if possible, home educate. I remember begging my mother to home educate me, but she said that wasn't possible as she had to work FT. If your DD is self-motivated, there are online schools now. As it was, I left school with a strong dislike of other people because of the bullying and lack of support.

As an ex-teacher, I heard a child protesting to their mother, "...but you told me that if a bully hit me, then I was to hit back!" Although I couldn't say that I supported this approach due to my job, I suspect that's the only way to deal with bullies... to humiliate them publicly, to make it less likely that they'll ever go near their victim again, and possibly to boost the confidence of the victim in having taken a bully down. It would certainly be more effective than what the school could, or would, do. However, I appreciate not everyone would have the confidence to do that (I didn't at the time when I was bullied).

Thank you all. She's so depressed, it's awful. I just want the bullies and their parents to know how their actions have affected another child' whole life but no point really, they'll just be defensive or disbelieving. We'll look at other schools but sad that it's the victim that always has to have the upheaval.

Ots disgraceful. It makes me so very very angry! I really feel your pain (and impotence). It’s truly horrible. The bullies and their parents don’t give a damn and the school won’t be able to do much. Even if the bully left, was suspended or expelled the other classmates wouldn’t suddenly be your DDs friend & ally. Sadly. Are you able to home school? Even just for a while, until you find somewhere more nurturing?

Home schooling would be a nightmare, DD wouldn't engage with me. Could hire tutors but I'd worry it would actually affect her confidence about being able to fit in (IE home schooling is the 'loser' option- I know it's not btw!) she loves being with friends (when she can). But if we had to then yes. I'd have to give up my job though and all the financial issues that causes.....

Gather as much evidence and see if school can get ep report, report to gp ask for camhs referral. Official complaint about bullying . If she is at home keep her on roll with school so they are financially liable for tutors etc . They may try to fine you explain she can’t come into school because they can’t provide her with a safe environment.
look for nice nurturing school for years 10-11.

I would move her if I could find a credible alternative. It would depend on GCSE options though as it wouldn't be great to move and then find a subject she was attached to wasn't available.

A school that has been so ineffective with dealing with bullying is not going to suddenly transform.

Does she have an EHCP? If not, did you know you can apply for one yourself? Parents are sometimes told they are not for the academically able, but that is not true.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I worked with a guy who was home schooled due to bullying and he was the nicest, most liked guy. Was married and was very successful in job as a clinical psychologist. Good social skills so I was very surprised when he revealed that about himself. Teenage years can be tough as it is and you don’t want her to end up believing and identifying with what the bullies say. Self-harm is telling me this is really affecting her so I would take her out even if it’s brief until end of the year to give her a chance to recover. And either think of a new school or homeschool next year if school do nothing. But please don’t make her go back to her class if nothing is implemented (meetings with other parents, meetings with both the girl and the bully to help repair things - school should be taking this seriously).

Don't do anything hasty but do throw everything at a plan B for September. Don't involve DD until you have some credible options. Have you had any support from the SENCO?

Are there no specialist provision schools in your area? Assuming she has an EHCP, can't you go down that route?

I would take her out. My DD13 has had a diabolical time at school and I wish more than anything I’d had the guts to pull her out and home educate. I genuinely believe her quality of life would have been much much better.

I’d be looking at new schools on Monday, finding a suitable alternative, getting my head around all of the practical stuff then telling your dd what an alternative is.