How does boarding school work with a 50 50 co-parenting arrangement?

[2senoughforme]

Has anyone sent kids to boarding school?

We are divorced and kids are thinking of boarding at Oundle. I’m very unsure as it’s a 6 day a week school so boarding is very full time with only exeat weekends. We have a 5050 arrangement beginning now so I would only see my children for 10 weeks a year.

Does anyone else do this? How does it feel? I wonder if it’s enough time with each parent? On the other hand teenagers may be happy and settled?

Why are the kids wanting to board?

It works exactly as you say - parents have 50% of holiday and exeat time each.

The won’t be the only ones in that position, quite a lot of kids board to give them stability when for whatever reason that’s not always there at home.

The downside is exactly what you say - limited time with them!

I have a relative who did this. If the kids are old enough to board, it can provide stability and remove them more from any post divorce conflict. I’m not generally a fan of boarding per se, but I could see that it allowed the kids to have a place that was entirely theirs and the divorce wasn’t a factor in the same way.

My only concern would be how far away the school was - nearer usually better?

If you’re the type of person who is happy not to see your kid for the majority of the year or have as much input into their upbringing than you would at a day school, surely you don’t care?

And no of course it’s not great for kids or your relationship with them

I think you shouldn't consider this without some serious family counselling therapy first to establish why the children want this. What is their current experience of time with each of you like? Do you know how they feel about current arrangements and is the boarding school idea a way of escaping a setup that doesn't work for them.

50:50 arrangements are often not in the children's best interests. They can feel that they have no permanent home and are just a visitor in each house, and can feel that each of their parents has a "real" life that is child-free, feeling unwelcome in it. Some families manage a healthy and balanced 50:50 split but there are lots of ways for it to not work. I can certainly see that in some cases a child would fixate on boarding school being a "solution" to break an impossible deadlock of feeling unable to express how miserable they are with a residency arrangement that has been settled on without either parent putting the children's needs first.

I second what a previous poster has said. You need some family therapy first before making such a decision. Your children may be saying they want to be at boarding school just to escape home life right now and it may not actually be what they truly want or what’s best for them.

No idea re boarding or divorce though I come from a divorced household.

I will say though that 2 family friends/boys I babysat for went to Oundle at age 11 and both loved it. They both went there as their father and grandfather went there.

In my experience from knowing people who’ve boarded, some love it and thrive, others not so much. To be honest I’d probably be in the love of camp though I never went. Sometimes it’s also situational, one woman I know boarded in England but her father was a Nigerian diplomat and posted all over the world.

Arroyo feels like quite a risk considering your children have already had the upheaval of divorce. Going through all the instability of teenage years with effectively 3 homes sounds tricky and these years are unpredictable. I don't think my dd would have thrived in this environment but she's needed a fair amount of emotional support and enjoys a good download when she's in the mood. She relies on me for that, her dad for lifts and being a softie and her school just fills in a bit.

It wouldn’t just be ten weeks, though? I have no personal experience of Oundle, but at the boarding schools I know, parents can be there pretty much half the week if they choose. Depending on distance and work schedule a parent could probably attend every match, every concert, play, charity event, chapel - as well as taking their child out for lunch or dinner at weekends. You wouldn’t be entirely cut off from them during term time. And you may spend more time talking on FaceTime every day than day pupils spend with their parents face to face.

Can’t really comment on your specific situation.

That’s a massive bunch of changes, family fractured then the children being sent off for most of the year?!

Boarding pupils are not sent off in any recognisable sense these days, @StormGazing. That’s just not how boarding works now. It involves constant interaction and communication with parents and wider family and friends.

Sure but it’s hardly the same as raising your own child is it.

I’m won’t bother to engage with nonsense …

Why do they want to board?

As a mother, I would find that utterly heartbreaking. But if home life is chaotic and they need a break from it or they're very talented at something and it's the only way to pursue it, well, yeah they should go.

You wonder if it’s enough time with each parent? 10 weeks a year? What’s the reason they’d rather board?

Older one says a lot of friends are boarding for 6th Form, younger one has always enjoyed it.

younger one has done the odd night at prep school.