Adult son with autism

[Busylizz101]

I am posting about my adult son who is 25 and was diagnosed with autism at 20. He had a hard time at school, socially, but is academically bright. He is about to finish uni and has done well, but again has managed to create and destroy almost all his relationships, for a number of reasons. I'm the person he talks most to about his struggles, but he also constantly insinuates that I was not a good mother, that I was stressed alot and that he should have been diagnosed earlier, he even says I was frightening at times and that he doesn't trust anyone. I do realise that I'm in no way a perfect mother, but honestly he puts himself in danger (and I feel still does), it was difficult. He also forgets all the lovely, funny times we all shared and still do. Last year after a really distressing event which he was involved in, I developed a serious auto-immune illness - I'm just getting over the flare up. My son is living in a shared flat, but came home last night and I think because I was concentrating on making dinner and didn't react the way he expected, he once again insinuated I'm a crap mum. Maybe he's right. But I do love him and would lay down my life for him. I also sympathise with the struggles he has, but increasingly resent the drama he brings. After he walked out, I called him and told him all this, and he understands the boundaries issue. Just so sad and tired for all of us. I know I'll worry about him and maybe he'll feel rejected, but I can't seem to help him even when I try.

Only you know if you were the mother he says you were, where was dad in all of this?

I don't think he's right. I am by no means the best mother in the world, but we were a stable influence - even when he got himself into trouble. We constantly praise him, when he was young we got him outside help, we hug him and tell him we love him. We have been there through every difficulty before and after his diagnosis. I think he needs someone/thing to be angry at and there's no-one else but us. My husband has been a kind, loving, fun dad. You make a fair point, only I know, but the issue is my son is autistic, he's prickly, his major issue is regulating his emotions. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just feel desperately sad and worried.

Blaming you will be alot easier for him than taking accountability if he has made his own life more difficult. Without knowing all the details though, only you and your family know what kind of childhood he had and what support he received.

I would remind him that it wasn't just on you to have him diagnosed earlier, school/gp obviously missed this as well, autism wasnt as widely regonised as it is now and as its a spectrum, and depending how severe/mild his autism is - it can be easily missed. Having autism isnt a get out of jail free card either and he has to accept some responsibility if he is causing drama in his life/relationships.

Maybe reach out to some support groups or your gp? For support for both him and yourself x

I have twins with asd and they do this too…don’t take it to heart! I think there’s a lot of projection.

Thank you coffeeblanket and georgiepilson for your kind words and support. We got him to see an Ed psychologist and CAMHS when he was 15 and they misdiagnosed him with OCD, until he worked it out himself at 19 and then I pushed the GP for the autism assessment. We've paid for some therapy and now he is paying for some himself. There have been issues around alcohol, drugs and promiscuity. I've had a couple of sessions of counselling. I'm always waiting for bad news. I suppose I just need to brush myself down and keep going and keep hoping for the best. He has alot of lovely qualities. He just gets really angry if we don't hit the levels of emotion he does, which is almost impossible to do.

My two DDs did this a lot in their late teens and I was a good mother, I did the best I could every day with the experience and knowledge I had at the time. That’s all any of us can do. I accepted and listened to what they said, some was unfair (they have acknowledged this in adulthood) other stuff was valid. None of it was bad (abuse, violence etc). They had a normal childhood really.

But what I was always clear on is that analysing your childhood and how it’s made you the person you are is normal and healthy but once you are an adult you have to start to accept responsibility for your own choices getting stuck on victim mode isnt healthy or helpful. (To be clear im not talking about victims of abuse or trauma here where professional help is likely needed to recover.)
if this is stuff you have talked through already and he keeps rehashing it I would say, im not sure it helpful to keep going through this you need to find a way to move forward. Stop carrying it for him. I would encourage him to seek professional help (if accessible for him) and put boundaries in place on how he talks to you he shouldn’t be rude to you.

The thing is that an autism diagnosis requires significant social communication difficulties so those of us with autistic kids tend to be on the sharp end of some horrible conversations!

I'm sure you did your absolute best as a mum. Your son has grown up, is living independently, has enough money for therapy... it really could have been worse (you allude to some difficult times).

My daughter was diagnosed at 7 and I do worry that she will blame me somehow for choosing to have her assessed and for the EHCP. I have always felt strongly that it's important to understand where extreme behaviours come from. It's been life-changing for DH too as he now understands where some of his difficulties in life came from.

I have only skimmed it in a bookshop but I wonder if the book "Let Them" would help?

Thankyou firstofallimadelight. I can totally relate to your post. Yes no abuse or violence; we had alot of arguments about his behaviour when he was growing up. He tested every possible boundary - now I know of course he would have been overstimulated. But as soon as he mentioned autism I pushed as hard as I could (including him) for the diagnosis. I told him last night enough with criticising me, so I think it's maybe dawned on me I need to stop being the victim too. He will be moving out his flat soon - meant to be back home. Not sure whether that,'s a good idea for either of us.

Needlenardlenoo, you have done absolutely the right thing getting the diagnosis. It helps kids understand there is a reason for their difficulties and helps them not blame themselves for these difficulties. My son would have wanted it much earlier and constantly tells me that. Despite everything I've said, or because of it, those difficult conversations you have with your autistic child can really bond you together.but it is ALOT xx

Mine, especially in teens, did this a lot. His brothers(2 years younger) used to look at him open mouthed at some of the more blatant lies he came out with. It used to really upset me, but dh used to say "we were both there, we know that we didnt do x, we did do y and z" Now hes in his 30s he has apologised for some of the really hurtful things hes said to us. Still can have a casual relationship with the truth at times.

Ofwhatfuckeryitistoride, thank you for your message. Nice to project 5 years from now and think things might be better. The lying is definitely a factor, as is impulsivity. Means it can be hard to trust him, even though I really, really want to. For now I've just got to survive this and hope he's out there coping. Though it feels completely counterintuitive. I just want to sweep him up and bring him home and look after him, but he would never accept or feel comforted by any of that.