Toddler - feel like a failure

[SophNx]

Just after a bit of advice and opinions.

I have a little girl who is 2yrs 4months. Who is very strong willed, constant and testing. I love her to bits but can’t help but feel like a bit of a failure when it’s comes to parenting. She whinges hell of a lot and watches a lot of tv, if I am honest (most days 2.5 hrs a day when with grandparents) about 1.5 hours when with me. We haven’t mastered the potty yet and her eating is terrible. She basically just snacks on rubbish. The things she likes are, chips (only McDonald’s or chippy ), grapes, strawberries, toast, cornflakes, bagels, tuna, heniz hoops, blueberries, plain pizza, crisp, cake, any sort of bar like flapjacks sorrren and of course chocolate. That’s as much as we can get to eat.

I feel like I beat myself up over everything. Am I bad parent or just severely over critical of myself? I’m excused from her sometimes that I struggle to be the happy parent who plays. I feel this everything she does is testing me.

any advice or opinions? X

It is a hard age. Does she still nap? The eating sounds like one of mine, but slightly better. My other child eats everything. Same upbringing, one likes food and the other is highly suspicious. I'd try to structure your day a bit more - out twice a day for instance. I'd usually do one actual activity like soft play, a class, swimming etc and one free activity (park, beach, trip to Tesco, playdate). I found it so much easier out of the house, as there's no TV and I could engage more as at home I do tend to gravitate towards my phone. At home if it was all going to shit I'd grab some plastic toys and chuck them and the toddler in the bath for 45 mins. Or give them a cloth and a tub of bubbly water to go in the garden and "clean" things. Then another cloth to dry. That takes a while!

I wouldn’t worry about potty training until closer to 3. How is there speech? I definitely think things get easier when there is 2 way communication!

the tv is a habit, it’s tough to break, I personally find cold turkey easier than a slow reduction, painful few days (make lots of plans to keep busy, model playing so they join in, get involved in cooking etc). We’ve recently had to do the same and have more than halved screen time.

my youngest is also 2y4m and it is generally a tough little age

Her grandparents shouldn't be getting her to watch 2.5h of TV a day. That should be fixable surely.

I havent started potty training with my 2yo yet, I'll do it in the summer when it's warmer and he'll be 2 and a half - you could do the same.

The food doesn't sound too bad because you have a lot of flavours and textures there. I'd just add tweaks gradually - for example putting veg on the pizza and trying sweet potato fries etc.

Parenting is hard. I absolutely despise imaginary play as I am terrible at it (suspect I am ND) - I can do playdough restaurants etc, but really struggle with true playfulness (luckily my husband does not and he does that bit and my kids adore him for it), but I am great at puzzles (we get them from charity shops), making ordinary things fun (we go to the shops, ride up the “magic stairs” etc). I have a high mess threshold so am very happy to do painting, cutting and sticking and baking and love walking outside in the fresh air and I’m very happy to hang out in playgrounds in whatever weather, or do patio chalks outside in the cold etc. I also am very happy to sit under a blanket with a cup of tea and read as many library books as are wanted, so we do those things. I think that the key is to choose things that you actually like or don’t mind doing and do them as joyfully as you can and give the kids real connection in those times and then establishing independent play (setting up activities for her to do alongside you or near you while you get stuff done - you can try chaos with Cara on Facebook for ideas as to things you can set up).

Why is your DD watching so much TV? Is it because you and GPs cannot do the chores you need to do and supervise her (in which case you need to rethink what you can do alongside a child and work towards independent play), or because you are on your own device or trying to work? Assume GPs do childcare? Can you set aside a long weekend to break this habit at home and then send her with playdough and crayons or other things with a proper routine?

Problem with the screens is that you are now probably starting to affect some life skills - boredom threshold, frustration tolerance, plus vocabulary, which makes it less enjoyable to spend time together. you know this, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted.

Using nappies at 2 isn't something i'd be concerned about, it's physically normal.

A difficulty with screens and ultra-processed and sweet foods is that they quickly become the norm as other things become unpalatable.

What do you mean whinges? If you consider your perceptions of her and her communication, and see your role as one of supporting and guiding her, then perhaps you can do that without feeling so overwhelmed. It's not her vs you, your role is to co-regulate and help her develop awareness of her needs and how to express and meet them appropriately.

How are you spending time with her, what does she enjoy? How are you currently helping her with boundaries?

Also, on the eating side, you could try some small cutters and cut up cucumber, cheese, bread and pepper etc - if she plays with it only, that’s fine, but some of it might find its way in.

This has really hit home with me as going through similar so thank you!!

I hear you OP!! We’re 2.8yrs and the whining and demanding of snacks has ramped up recently!

My go to I’d to be out and about but even that’s becoming a chore! I don’t have any answers but wha the poster said above about not you vs her and co regulating has really struck a nerve with me so I’m going to think on that for a bit!

watches a lot of tv, if I am honest (most days 2.5 hrs a day when with grandparents)

Grandparents are even more tired than you are. If they are looking after her then you accept she has TV or you put her in nursery. If you can't afford nursery, then you accept she'll be watching telly and you're grateful to the grandparents for it.

about 1.5 hours when with me.

That's not terrible. But if you are worried about screen time then it's your own time you need to change, not grandparents.

We haven’t mastered the potty yet

Can she walk upstairs one leg at a time yet? This is meant to be a developmental milestone that's necessary for potty training, and anecdotally, it seems to match across me and my friends and when our children were ready to train. If she can't do that then leave it a couple of months and encourage her to play in the playground, getting that physical coordination together. If she can do that, then you may need to take a week off and just go for it, accepting that this is not going to be the year you have the best annual leave allowance....

and her eating is terrible. She basically just snacks on rubbish. The things she likes are, chips (only McDonald’s or chippy ), grapes, strawberries, toast, cornflakes, bagels, tuna, heniz hoops, blueberries, plain pizza, crisp, cake, any sort of bar like flapjacks sorrren and of course chocolate. That’s as much as we can get to eat.

She's getting something across all food groups there so I wouldn't be too concerned about her getting adequate nutrition. Interested that she is only good with two types of chips. What about cornflakes - if you switched Kelloggs to Tescos would that be ok? What about if you swapped the bagel variety, would she notice? If she likes Heinz hoops would she eat other similar things like peppa pig shapes?