Grieving the decision to stop at two children and move on

[Chickpeaz]

This probably sounds a bit ridiculous but I’m really struggling this afternoon and could do with some perspective.

I’m 44, two DC (youngest 7). I’ve spent the last couple of years going round in circles obsessively about whether to have a third and have finally come to the conclusion that for lots of reasons it’s better for our DC and our family to stop at two – financially, being able to give them enough time/attention (which is really important to us), health risks as an older mum etc.

I thought I’d finally come to terms with this but this afternoon I saw a friend with a baby and my two were so sweet with her and couldn’t stop talking about her afterwards, and it’s just completely floored me.

I feel like I’m grieving and I can’t stop thinking that I’ll never have a baby again and that that whole stage of life is just gone. I also feel like mine have already grown up which is ridiculous. I know logically we’ve made the right decision but emotionally it feels awful right now and I feel a bit panicky about how fast time has gone.

I think what’s also not helping is it feels like everyone around me has 3 or 4 children and I can’t shake the feeling I’m somehow missing out or have got it wrong, even though I know that’s probably not rational.

Has anyone else felt like this after deciding not to have another? Does it pass? And if you stopped at two, are there things you’ve actually really valued about it?

Please be kind, I know I should be very grateful for what I have, and I really am, but I’m feeling pretty down at the moment.

It’s hormones, it does pass eventually.

Oh gosh yes this is hard. We lost our first DD and then had two wonderful DS but I really wanted three or four and people kept telling me I had to "try for a girl" (which yes I did massively want but life is not like that). We stopped after DS2 for all sorts of practical reasons.

I was ragingly jealous of people going on to have three or more for quite a long time, but as we moved out of the baby stage I was really glad to be able to move on to new stages and not have one foot stuck in the baby camp holding us back. (we'd have coped and enjoyed the chaos if we had had more, but ultimately I came to appreciate being able to take the boys on big days out and not have to cut that short so a new baby sibling could have their nap or whatever)

DS1 is an adult and DS2 nearly so now and I have no regrets.

I felt like this. Years and years of wanting a third, but my husband only wanted two so that's where we stopped. Now they're older I'm really enjoying the fact that I can spend quality time with both of them separately. They also get more expensive year by year (or even month by month - my son's feet just keep on growing!): with two children this isn't so much of an issue, with three or more money would obviously be tighter.

So overall I've made peace with it, but I still get caught off guard when I hear about others my age having a third (usually with a big gap). I just have to remind myself that if I had a baby or a toddler now then I would miss out on many of the great experiences I'm having with my big ones.

Hang on in there, hope it gets easier for you too

It’s perfectly normal to feel like this and us not an uncommon emotion. We stopped at two, partly because dc1 was quite seriously ill, and that left us emotionally scarred for a long time. However, I would have liked more children, but accepted we were only going to have two.

My 88 year old neighbour says she would still love another baby!
You could have a 3rd or 4th or more and still be broody. Sometimes you just have to let your head rule your heart.