4 yo Daughter loses her shit every 5 minutes

[Ffsfml5]

I’m sat in my car just to get away from her.
she literally loses her mind about random shit.
Today she asked my to fast forward a film, I didn’t do it fast enough she lost her shit. She calmed down I offered to put it back on, she said she wanted to do it. I gave her the control she asked for help, i helped her, she lost her shit because I wasn’t doing it right. Obviously this is just today .every day it’s something. She runs to her dad gets hugs, is made to say sorry then rinse and repeat.
i feel like I am done.

i think you should discuss her behaviour with a doctor snd ask for mental health assessment. My daughter would lose her Sh”t 5-6 times a day in explosive rages, leaving me feeling completely hollowed out. She was a little more manageable with her dad because she was scared of him. Eventually dhe was diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

It can be so hard can’t it? It could be ND as the previous poster mentions or it could not. One thing you can do is this simple progress checker just to see if her communication and understanding are where they should be.

I’d also have a read of 10 days to a less defiant child as there are some tips in there that you might find helpful

My 4 year old is like this, he’ll finish his tea and immediately start angrily screaming and shouting for a yogurt rather than just asking me. He was like it when he started school nursery too but after a few months the nursery teacher says he’s completely transformed and now always helping with tidying and doing as told. Still just as bad at home though

Thank you for replying and with helpful suggestions. I have come back in and she’s sitting all sweetness and light with her Dad. I know she will lose it again thesecond I do or say anything so I am just in a bad mood constantly. I retreat to my phone. I realise neither of these things are helpful and may actually exacerbate the problem. but I really do try to fake happy ‘start again’ each time but it’s fucking exhausting and sometimes I just can’t muster it.

I don’t know how much screen time she’s having, but have you thought about massively limiting it? My DD used to lose her shit and so I took away screens and it massively improved her mental health/ reactivity. I don’t know why, but it did.

My 4yo has just screamed and whipped me round the face with a t-shirt because I said he'd have to wait a few minutes before next activity he wants to do. He is under referral for potential autism and adhd. It is relentless and I have no advice I'm afraid. Anything could set it off and nothing can distract from it.

She could definitely have less! I don’t think we are excessive with it but for example this morning i put a film on so I could have a coffee in relative peace as she was up fairly early. I think we use the tv too much for that, but it’s hard because when i engage with her I always do something’wrong’ leading to meltdown, today I even gotthe TV wrong!

Don’t put the tv on at all - it’s a weirdly passive dopamine hit that really winds kids up. I don’t think the mechanism is understood yet. Certain kids programmes have a frame flicker rate that really aggravates them. Things like bagpuss are gentle on the mind. At 4 she could easily and happily play with teddys or Lego / duplo

OP, you've just reminded how difficult four was - I'd honestly forgotten. Nothing was ever right or up to madam's impossible standards and if I said the sky was blue, she'd argue it was green just to contradict me.

I think it's a frustrating age for the kids (and therefore us poor parents, too) - they're getting ideas for themselves of how they want things want to go or be and can't really execute them. They have unrealistic ideas and expectations. They want independece but also get a bit freaked out by it. They're like oversized toddlers caught between babyhood and childhood.

My DD is generally chilled and compliant. We had no issues at two at all, a little bit of spark and stropiness at three but nothing major, so I was completely unprepared for four!

I do agree in principle , but she will definitely not happily play with teddies or lego alone. She will demand interaction (i realise how that sounds) but it is literally every move has to be okayed by her. She will insist I play (for expmle build a house with lego) and within minutes or often seconds I have done something ‘wrong’, i’m not sitting how she wants me to, used the wrong colour brick, too high, not high enough. When I ask how she would like me to sit/ what colour she just goes ballistic. It’s like going into battle daily. When I talk to friends they laugh and say ‘oh yes hilarious at that age arent they? ‘ they see it as a joke. I’m not seeing the funny side. I’m miserable. Probably depressed. It’s horrible. I wish it was as easy as getting lego out.

Thank you. I feel like a failure, but would never think that of someone else so don’t know why I am so hard on myself. I feel like she would better off without me.

In contrast to all the ND suggestions, my middle child (boy) was like this at that age. Horrendous at 3, very slightly better at 4, had largely grown out of it by 5. We described it as living with a lit fuse. And it was the stupidest things that set him off. At 7 he is an absolute delight! Wonderful, human being who frequently makes us all smile! At 3 I would have given him away on the street.

He still has the odd moment but in the main he's awesome.

(My youngest is now 4 and although the meltdowns are different she is equally exhausting).

At the moment you are overwhelmed and so it’s completely understandable that you are at the end of the tether. Try and reset the boundaries and remember that you are in control. You are waking on eggshells. She does need you but she needs you to be firm, consistent and honest. When she overreacts, give a consequence. You said in your OP that she lost it because you didn’t fast forward the film fast enough. Let her rage - when she’s calm, you explain that she doesn’t need to go into a fit of rage over something so minor. As a result, she won’t be able to have the TV on again today. The next day when you watch something together you remind her of her anger yesterday and say that her reaction was extreme and if it happens again there will be similar consequences.

Interested if she does the same for her dad.

Personally I would just switch it off

That's absolutely not true. She Ioves and trusts you, which is why you get the brunt of the delightful behaviour.

We're so hard on ourselves, aren't we? Would never look at a friend going through a tough phase and think: well, she's a shit parent, but that's exactly the way we speak to ourselves.

Every stage comes with lessons and sometimes we have to change our strategies as parents that don't match up to the idealised view of the parent you'd always wanted be.

It's bloody hard at times! Hugs to you.