Fourteen-year-old lying, hidden phones and saying we would be happier without her

[MrsSS2]

My 14 year old daughter has been lying lots recently. I have found two old phones in her room and when asked about it she says that when her dad and I take her working phone off her as a consequence for something, she feels left out from talking to her friends and so she’s hidden her old phone and her brothers old phone to use. I’ve checked the phones and there are no dodgy apps or anything, but I don’t know what to do to get her to stop lying. When we talk to her about it she says that we need to send her to live somewhere else so we can have a ‘perfect happy’ life with just her brother. This usually is said after we’ve told her about tidying her room, brushing her teeth (no idea why but she won’t ever brush her teeth unprompted and then lies about doing it until I say I need to check) or the fact we don’t want her to lie to us. She always says that if she’s so bad why would we want her around and I’ve told her she’s not bad but her behaviour is and apart from the above things we don’t have any issues with her but I don’t know what to do to get the above to stop. Is this a phase, do I need to become extremely strict with her and take all the things she likes to do away from her. Her brother is younger and is the opposite to her at the minute and so I’ve never dealt with this before and I don’t really have anyone I can talk to as my friends who don’t judge have never experienced this before and the ones who do I wouldn’t want to tell because I don’t need that in my life right now. I didn’t have the best childhood and so I’ve tried to parent differently to how I was raised, and I don’t want to cause any harm to my daughter mentally but the fact she keeps saying she wants us to find somewhere else to live seems so extreme! Has anyone been through this with their teenage daughter who can offer any help please? TIA

She's 14, lots of changes are happening at this stage as they move through adolescence. Her brain and body are both making big moves towards becoming an adult, and as part of that she will be pulling away from you. It's a biological thing, teens need to separate from their parents and family unit a bit as historically this would have prevented inbreeding! Anyway, that being said, you comparing her to her brother while she is already confused about who she is and where she fits in the world won't be helping. She also doesn't need to be told to brush her teeth, if she wants to get holes in them and have smelly breath that's on her. Same with her bedroom, it's not really your problem as long as she's not hoarding food etc up there.
Teens will lie to you and be sneaky. It's not a failing on her part, she's actually been quite smart in making sure she still has a phone to go on! Your best bet now is picking your boundaries (make sure they are appropriate for her age and not too strict), focusing on keeping a safe, open relationship between you even when she is being challenging, and not taking these years personally. It'll pass.

14 year olds can be so difficult. I tried to catch mine in a good mood and spoil her a bit. Swing between love bombing her and giving her plenty of space when she needs it. Tell her you love her annd want her around even when you’re driving each other crazy. And tell her it’s her job to drive you cracked and your job to tear your hair out but she’s still your girl and you wouldn’t want her any other way.

Agree with love bombing her and it doesn’t have to be treating her with money.

One thing I did was smile at DD like seeing her was the best thing that could have happened in my day and she started to relax.

If she has dishes in her room can you remove those whilst she’s out? Does she have any problems usually with executive function?

I have no advice, but she sounds like a very normal teenage girl to be honest.

Sounds like my 12 year old in some ways. I know the teeth brushing thing so well. Does she respond better if you say “Your toothbrush is dry, come and brush your teeth” rather than saying “have you brushed your teeth”?

It’s very difficult but like others have said I’d go for a ‘pick your battles’ attitude. Teeth id not stress about - at 14 she knows the repercussions of not brushing her teeth. Tidying her room id not worry about either - if she wants to live in a mess let her.

Id stick to the same response when she asks you to send her away - that isn’t possible and we’d miss you very much because we love you. Where on earth does she think you are going to send her?!

Id lay out some chores/rules. If she complies give pocket money. If she doesn’t then don’t.

they are very difficult at this age. It’s so hard.

What sort of thing do you take her phone off her for? It's a good consequence for something fairly serious, but I would be careful not to overuse it for minor things.

Red Flags for county lines, spare phones and they delete the texts.

I’d also have a look at the book Untangled by Lisa Damour. It’s very good for making you think before you react and helps you understand what’s going on.

Can I suggest too looking up using declarative language with her for now? It will help to take any tension out of your exchanges with your DD. I’m not saying obviously that your DD has PDA, but I think for now, this tactic might just help both of you

Either perfectly normal stroppy teen girl or county lines/ abuse.

This is what teenagers do, you need to pick your battles really.

I lied and said shit like this to my parents but what helped was them 1) being strict with certain boundaries while 2) making sure I knew they still loved me. I.e. do not give her the cold shoulder, or treat her differently etc

Big hug OP. 14 is hard for parents and for your daughter I suspect. My 14 year old is very normal I suspect and mostly wonderful but says some outrageous things when she has lost her temper about us wishing she was perfect or that she lived somewhere else. I don't think she means it but is very cross often about things that I can't imagine being so affected by but when you are 14 feelings can be very big. I am cautious not to make any threats or discuss sanctions during these times: neither of us are at our most logical. I try to respond kindly or if that is not an option I go to another room for a bit. Sometimes I end up feeling fairly cross myself at the unfairness of all the shouting based on what seemed a reasonable comment from me. I am trying to be calmer. I think especially if she is lying being stricter might be counterproductive as she might just lie around more rules. I try to say yes if I can but obviously sometimes you have to say no. I have taken her phone away but I try not to unless she's crossed a line. I don't mind how she keeps her room as I consider it hers so I might let that play out and at 14 I don't remind her to clean her teeth but she would be horrified to realise she forgot. I wonder what would happen if you trusted her to do that herself? I recently went to a workshop at her school about supporting mental health and might sign up to do a further course, not because it will alter her behaviour but anything that might make mine better during an outburst would be worth my time. I can find all the shouting/door slamming quite infuriating if I don't succeed in reframing it as a sign that all is not well in her world. I do disagree with her statements about us thinking she's horrible by saying I love her and she's not and then I give her a bit of space. Your post made me feel sad that you don't have other parents to confide in as I do find that helpful, but not everyone tells the truth about their teenagers. Some people don't have the confidence to admit their child also has difficulties managing their emotions sometimes which is a shame as sometimes just knowing it's not you is enormously helpful. So, it's not just you OP,