How do I help my child with his anger?

[Panamanian]

My 9 year old son is increasingly struggling with anger and I don’t know how to help him. It mostly comes out when he is playing sport - if something happens that feels is unfair he gets so angry. He isn’t physically violent but can be very aggressive and vocal, shouting at people and storming off. I’ve had a call today to collect him from a holiday sports camp because he yelled at a younger child. I feel so sad for him as he is aware of it being an issue but doesn’t seem to know how to control it in the heat of the moment. He is a very high achiever both academically and in sport but this is becoming more and more of a problem for him. Any advice gratefully recieved!

Model different ways to deal with frustration
What do you do?

Reduce competitive sport until he can control his anger

Agree reduce competitive sport.

How competitive is the family? How calm is the family?

What do his regular sports coaches suggest? It is not that uncommon for boys to struggle with this. When you're pumped up playing sports then you're full of cortisol and adrenaline, not to mention testosterone which kicks in with puberty. All of this can lead to emotional volatility, so it's a part of sports coaching to help players channel that in an appropriate way, and discourage aggression towards people or property.

In general you want to practice techniques for expressing anger or calming down at already calm times, so they are already in his head when he's having a frustrating moment, as well as making sure any aggressive behaviour is immediately addressed.

This. It's unfair on the other kids and the coaches to deal with this. So he doesn't do this until he can deal with his temper. He's old enough to know better. None of the other parents want an aggressive kid yelling at their kids who are able to control their temper.

In answer to the question about how I deal with frustration - I’m such a different person to my son. Never into competitive sport and generally pretty uncompetitive. My husband competitive and can get pretty heated so perhaps he needs to be the one to deal with it.
I’m of two minds about the banning competitive sport - on the one hand I fully agree that he can’t continue to behave like that and reduce other people’s enjoyment. But on the other hand if competitive sport is where boys are meant to learn how to control their aggression, how is he meant to learn if he has to quit? It’s not as simple as telling him to pull himself together and stop being aggressive. He wants to stop but doesn’t seem to know how.

<This post popped upnon 'active' but I typed a reply before noticing it was not the main forum. Advice sent with good intentions, OP.>

Your update refers to your husband's 'heated' competitive behaviour. What does this look like? Is your child's response reflective of this? Whilst enthusiam, drive and determination are important, competitive sport is no place for hostile aggression.

I would encourage your child to look at the many successful athletes who are competitive whilst demonstrating self discipline and control. Disappointment and frustration will occur but managing these feelings is vital.

• Karim Benzema - no red cards in over 900 games.
• Gary Lineker- no red or yellow cards in over 600 games.
• Roger Federer - well known for his calm composure even in high pressure games.

Fines for conduct are given to those who can't control their temper. You will easily find examples of athletes fined, banned or disqualified even in elite events online.

You have written he is a high achiever in sport but this will not be the case if he can't control his anger, shouts, storms off and is aggressive especially to younger players.

There are plenty of books and online guides for regulating emotions/big feelings. You can read them together and talk about how he could react differently. His actions are his responsibility and are within his control.

He needs to manage his emotions in the moment using a method that works for him such as breathing techniques, counting to 5 or tensing and relaxing.

You can turn this into a positive step towards success. Focus on the positives. Find a positive role model in your son's competitive sport and encourage him to follow their lead. Let him become an athlete with success and a positive career record.

Martial arts is a great discipline to help children learn how to control their feelings.