A month postpartum and I cannot stand my husband

[ByCalmLemonViewer]

Hi everyone,

I gave birth almost a month ago, and since then I feel like I can’t stand my husband anymore. I genuinely feel hatred towards him. When I look at him, I don’t understand how I loved him before.

To give some context, he has never really helped around the house. He leaves mess everywhere (crumbs, laundry on the floor, dirty dishes, bathroom full of water after showering, etc), and I’ve always been the one cleaning after him. Before the baby, I was handling everything, cleaning, cooking, groceries, organizing, etc. Whenever I asked for help, he would just say we could hire a cleaner (we do have one once a week for a few hours).

During my pregnancy, I had many conversations with him about how things needed to change when the baby arrived. He promised me he would step up, be present, and support me. But since the birth, nothing has changed, actually, it feels worse.

I had a C-section and was in a lot of pain in the first days. Even then, he didn’t help. The very first night, when the baby was crying next to us, I asked him to bring him to me and he refused, saying he was « so tired » (the audacity to say that to me right after a c section) and that “letting the baby cry is good for their lungs.” I had to yell for him to finally move.

Since then, he hasn’t changed a single diaper, hasn’t helped with feeding, bathing, or anything related to the baby. He doesn’t even take over so I can rest. On the contrary, when he comes home from work, he expects me to take care of him and acts like a baby himself.

He also doesn’t follow through on even small tasks (fixing things, basic errands), despite me asking repeatedly for weeks.

Recently, before our baby’s event, I asked him to come home early so I could get ready after a sleepless night. He didn’t. I ended up doing everything myself while taking care of the baby. I broke down that morning. What hurt me the most is that I later saw messages he sent to his mother, saying that I got crazy again et that my mother was a b for not staying with me and helping me out, even though my mother had supported us a lot and stayed with us for almost 10 days during the last stages of pregnancy and cooked for him and cleaned after him every single day.

I feel deeply betrayed, exhausted, and completely alone. I did so much for him, even during my pregnancy, and I expected at least some support and empathy when I needed it most. Now I’m considering going to stay with my parents for a while just to get some relief and not see him everyday, I’m even thinking about divorce tbh.

Has anyone experienced something similar after having a baby? I don’t know if this is postpartum emotions or if this is just me finally seeing things clearly.

He sounds absolutely awful and I'd be considering divorce as well, OP. If you think you can get over the hurt of him treating you like this and clearly not giving a shit about you, you could try having a very open, frank conversation with him to see if he'll turn it around for you and the baby. I'm so sorry, what a disappointment.

I had a husband like this. I just didn’t really notice until our first child arrived. We had two children together, and I left him when the youngest was 1.

I think it worthwhile having a very honest discussion with him about your needs, and what’s changed now baby is here. Then it’s up to him whether he takes heed or not.

In the end, I decided that as I was effectively a single parent, I might as well actually be a single parent - an then I wouldn’t have to deal with someone else’s temper about my lack of time to attend to his needs. I didn’t regret it (though I’m still sad - 20 years later - that that’s what happened).

Did he take paternity leave? What did he think this was for if not to look after the baby? Does he have any brothers/friends who could have a word with him?

In answer to your question no this is not just postpartum feelings. With both my babies DH did the night time nappy changes and settling so I could just breastfeed and stay in bed. During the day he took them for a time to allow me to sleep or took the older one out to burn off some energy. When he returned to work I did all the nights, but I do not have a c section so could move about fairly freely. However he did get up early and take the bay or did a late shift so I could get some sleep in. He did lots of nappy changes, bathing, cuddling etc.

I would suggest an open and extremely frank conversation that this is both of yours baby and he needs to step up accordingly.

Having a baby makes these issues 1000 times worse. It's postpartum in that you no longer have the capacity to deal with his selfishness.

Go to your parents.

This is not slightly annoying useless husband territory. This is horrible man treats his wife and newborn like absolute dirt territory.

You deserve better. And you deserve to enjoy your baby a bit. Go to your parents.

Absolutely normal to hate him given his vile behaviour and attitude. It's only an extension of how he was before the baby. Do you have support and will you leave him?

To give some context, he has never really helped around the house. He leaves mess everywhere (crumbs, laundry on the floor, dirty dishes, bathroom full of water after showering, etc), and I’ve always been the one cleaning after him. Before the baby, I was handling everything, cleaning, cooking, groceries, organizing, etc. Whenever I asked for help, he would just say we could hire a cleaner (we do have one once a week for a few hours).
During my pregnancy, I had many conversations with him about how things needed to change when the baby arrived. He promised me he would step up, be present, and support me. But since the birth, nothing has changed, actually, it feels worse.

Talk is cheap. No idea why you thought he would become a different person overnight after (presumably) years of being a lazy bastard.

Babies are like a magnifying glasses. They reveal the behaviours you didn't really see before, both good and bad. Some blokes reveal themselves to be kind and thoughtful, others are, at best, useless.

My ex was the same. He promised to change with our second baby. He didn't. The end.

Why did you do everything before the baby anyway? Did he want the baby?

With the disgusting messages to his mother i would tell him to fuck off out of the house and never come back.

Your plan is good. Go to your parents, divorce him. He’s an awful man

"I don’t understand how I loved him before."

I can't imagine anyone reading your post can understand that either.
He's a lazy, disloyal partner and so far has proved himself to be a terrible father.

He is never going to change.

I'd get out of there as soon as possible. Go to your mum's if you can. Don't waste a single second more on this loser.

Agreeing to step up is easy, stepping up is hard. I think you know now he isn't going to change. You just need to decide whether your life will be easier or harder without him in it.

Ok, you are where you are, but WTAF were you thinking getting pregnant to this loser???

yes, it's not unusual for feelings to (temporarily) change after giving birth, but thus is not that.

What is your housing situation?

Did he want to become a Father, or did it "just happen" and he got on with it?

Before the baby, his lack of involvement at home didn’t affect me as much. Yes, it made me angry many times but most of the time, I had enough energy to manage everything, and it was just the two of us. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, that maybe he just wasn’t used to doing these things, and I chose to focus on his other qualities. We were going out often, enjoying life, and things felt lighter.

But during pregnancy and even more since the baby arrived, everything has changed. With the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, and the constant demands of a newborn, I no longer have the time or energy I used to. I rarely get a moment for myself.

Because of that, his lack of involvement feels completely different now. It no longer feels like a minor issue or a habit, it feels like a real absence of support. Like he doesn’t care at all about me or the baby.

And to answer your question, yes! He wanted the baby even more than I did. We had previously lost a child after birth, and I later had an abortion, which he resented me for. After that, he would talk about having a child almost every day, and that’s why I truly believed he would be a great father.

My usual stance is unless there's physical or sexual abuse, to give it a year after having a baby, before making any irreversible decisions. It's a huge life change, everyone's knackered, emotions are high, hormones are all over the place, and everyone's trying to work out their new place as parents/with an extra child to juggle.

But his behaviour is a continuation of how it's always been, and unless completely and permanently changes (unlikely) you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of being a domestic slave. I'd give him one single chance, and then it's time for divorce IMO.

I'd sit him down with a list of tasks and divide them between you.

-feeding: If baby is bottle/combi fed (you'd mentioned that he's never done a feed) he can start off with all feeds between 7 to midnight and a full night on Fridays (with still getting up in the morning).

• if he's on duty for feeding, he's on duty for those nappies, and resettling baby. When you awake, you alternate.

• if you do all cooking, he can do all laundry (including putting it away). Or vice versa.

• hoovering once a week.

• crying baby when you're both around (the weekend days for example), you alternate.

This isn't equal, you'd still be doing far more, but it's a start. If you can't even manage this, you know there's no hope.