And now he's a "alcoholic"

[Lifeasitis91]

I've had on going problems with my ex for what seems like forever.
He has constantly let our DC down so many times - one of the last visits he wished me dead in front of her which made her really upset and ask not to see her father.
This has now lead to visits in a contact centre as she told the school what her father said and the safeguarding officer contacted me and advised contact to be in centre as he had caused her "further emotional harm" the school are aware of her father's previous behaviours so this was just another one to add to the list.

Anyway I arranged a centre, the safeguarding officer and myself thought supported would be fine and if needed we could go for supervised.
The nearest centre is over an hour away from me but it's free, I visited and I was happy with how the sessions would be held.

The first session he cancelled due to work commitments
The 2nd visit which was supposed to be Saturday just gone didn't happen, due to him going out on the Friday evening, getting intoxicated and then getting himself into a fight at 2.00am in the morning.
DC doesn't always want to talk to him on the phone but Wednesday and Thursday he repeatedly told her that he would see her on Saturday and bring her Easter gifts. Then let her down again.
He's seen her twice this year for a total of 4 hours.
He currently lives with his gf and her children and last night he called stating that he had a drink problem and alcohol was the reason he does what he did, there was no genuine apology, the whole "script" felt off he was using words that he hadn't used before and I could hear whispering the background - it dawned on me that his gf was sitting with him telling him what to say.
I asked him not to get his gf involved (I do think she enables him) as it was nothing to do with her and they still carried on, it was a 3 way conversation

I've heard he will change many times before and I just feel so fucking helpless and fed up with it all.

Advice needed and I suppose this is just a rant really!

Find fun things to do near the centre for when the absolute shithead let her down again.

Then bring a list of facts and have a frank conversation 1:1 and face to face about the damage he is causing with his selfishness and ask him to one decent thing and agreeto no contact / staying away. Do it calmly.and dont rise to any bait

I wouldnt want this abhorrent man anywhere near my child.

How old is she?

@CelticSilver she's 8, she was also diagnosed with ADHD last year.

I wouldn't engage with him at all by phone. Use a parenting app and do not comment on anything which is irrelevant to contact. Arrange contact through that only.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand he doesn't communicate via text and certainly won't use a parenting app. He's the sort of man that doesn't want to be held accountable to anything.
I'm just not going to answer his calls and if my DD wants to speak with him then I will call him but she never asks - I do ask her occasionally but it's always "no I'm fine"

He does not see what he is doing - it's me picking the pieces up

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp that's what I want to tell him, to just go away and leave her alone.
She's due to start therapy in the new school term, I'm so sad for her.
He knows that therapy has been organised for her, he's said nothing nor asked any questions, I supposed what could he ask - he knows his actions have led to this, but he keeps on doing it. How much more do we have to go through before I say enough is enough!
The only decent thing he's done is to tell me he's not going to the centre, so we haven't wasted a journey, I always have plan b. This is my life and it's a exhausting

Stop picking up the pieces, especially if your dd isn't bothered. Hang up the minute he starts talking about anything else. Keep a note of contact which he cancels so you have a record.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I do, I have a record this year (alone) he disappeared for 2 months, no calls and has let her down 6 times he's seen her twice totaling 4 hours, the last visit he wished me dead and said he hated me repeatedly in front of her and I had to end the visit as she started crying.
He won't take me to court, I offered him mediation he refused and has said "I ain't doing court"
He knows he will be exposed and that's one thing he doesn't want
He will keep doing this - is it unreasonable to just stop contact now altogether?

Adults with ADHD often use alcohol to cope with ADHD and other ND stuff. Your daughter's ADHD might have come from him. This is not given as an excuse, because he's clearly a shit parent, but he needs to be assessed for that.

Your poor daughter deserves better.

I have ADHD and in no way should it be weaponised as an excuse for his awful behaviour, but I felt it was worth pointing out that his behaviour might correlate.

I would quietly withdraw. Don't contact him at all. Don't offer contact. If your dd asks for contact then give him a time but stop telling your daughter beforehand so you minimise her disappointment.

Im not really qualified to talk about these things, but I wonder if it would be better for her not to see him ? Connstantly being let down is surely very damaging. Maybe.he can see her in the future when he's been successfully treated for his alcoholism. Maybe suggest that to him.

I’d stop facilitating things for him. Contact should then naturally drop off. Don’t pick up the phone. If he texts to ask for a visit tell him to set it up with the contact centre for x time and confirm to you x days beforehand. (With hindsight if you had just told him you have been advised contact cannot take place unless through a contact centre then left him to organise it, it probably would have been the end of it - don’t step in if there is another opportunity like that)
Don’t mention him to daughter or prompt her, only call him / get in touch if she asks you to.

When you say “he won’t take you to court” why are you giving him the choice?

speak to a solicitor about mediation and court. When he doesn’t turn up or comply, it will go against him and in your favour.
same with the parenting app.

my BIL didn’t want to use a parenting app either, it was court ordered, along with the CAO and all other aspects of their divorce and co parenting.

anything to do with safeguarding, school, etc will also go as evidence in the case

@TrashHeap his mum has told me he was tested for ADHD in the mid 90's but he wasn't diagnosed, but his mum is certain he has it or other ND, I also agree!

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I stopped telling my DD anything, I learnt not to. He directly tells her if he speaks to her on the phone the conversation usually goes " I love you, I'm going to come and see you on Saturday/Sunday and I'll bring you a present, what do you want"? I've asked him several times to stop doing this but he ignores me. I've not answered calls to avoid this behaviour.

@Daygloboo she's due to start therapy in the new school term, so the damage has already been done - the school has recorded it as "emotional harm" he isn't an "alcoholic" it's just an excuse for his shitty behaviour - he's just a selfish man.

@Firefly100 yes your right here, if I didn't organise it he certainly wouldn't have. He knows that contact can only take place in the centre and he hasn't asked to see her at my home, so that's one positive. I will stop asking her if she wants to speak to dad, I'll let her tell me if she does

@MsSquiz I didn't give him the option, he refused mediation and told me "I'm not doing court"
I've spoke to 2 solicitors, both have said the same thing.
You could take him to court, but what for? This man doesn't want to be a parent/responsible taking him to court won't make him be a parent, you cannot force him to do something he doesn't want to do.
One solicitor did give the same advice as pp "quietly withdraw" and then see what he does, her guess was "he'll do nothing"

So you take him to court to ensure he’s not messing your child around.
he’s clearly not they type of person to quietly withdraw. He’s there for the drama

@MsSquiz no he's not that type - but I'm assuming I can just withdraw, I'm planning on moving next year, it sounds horrible to do this but as the solicitor said, I'd have to pay for the court costs, he's clearly not interested.
I

@MsSquiz and he doesn't have to turn up, sometimes the judge enforces it sometimes they don't looking at the facts - the solicitor made it clear, from the pattern his shown the judge would not enforce him to turn up

I don’t mean take him to court to enforce seeing your child. I mean take him to court to prevent him messing your daughter around.

You have all the evidence to back up your side that him coming and going, making and breaking promises is affecting her mental health and her well being.

I was your daughter when I was younger, all the broken promises physically broke me down.
my DM was amazing, and I’m sure you are the same - never talking negatively about her father but always having to rebuild your child back up after whatever he has done to hurt her each and every time

If the current contact schedule isn't court-ordered then I'd just stop bothering. The current contact is just upsetting your DD and giving him an avenue to continue to abuse you. Document his failures and actions then just drop the rope. If he wants contact then he's entirely free to ask you to attend mediation and/or take you to court. You can't force him to be an involved and present co-parent.

@MsSquiz yes it's draining massively as I'm having to hear her say "maybe daddy doesn't love me anymore, why does he lie and he loves the other children more" his solution is just wanting to take her out with his gf and her children and not spend any time with her and continue to let her down when he does agree to one on one time, it's honestly breaking my heart and he has no consideration of my feelings or hers.

If I presented everything to the court would they take away his PR? Again sounds horrible but I honestly think this is the best solution for her (and him)

Apologies if I've missed this, but does he pay child maintenance? If not, you need to sort that out with CMS because he can at least pay his fucking way, even if it's a small amount via any benefits he might be claiming.

@TrashHeap he pays when he feels like it, currently I get 100 a fortnight, however on Thursday he told me he couldn't give the full 100 as he had "alot to pay out" but then went out on Friday night.
I've had him also say he's got no money to give and then offer his gf a Chinese (she always calls when he visited his DD)
He's self employed, refusing to engage with child maintenance so I've got a battle going on at the moment.
I've had threats (if you go child maintenance I won't give you a penny until it's sorted) he currently owes 3k in unpaid maintenance since December 2024
And he hasn't got a registered address, he lives with his gf but isn't registered anywhere so that has slowed the process down. I'm sure they will get him at some point.
So for the time being, I rely on the dribs and drabs he gives as and when
His mum has helped me a few times, she thinks he's a joke!

What a pathetic excuse for a human being. He must have lied through his teeth to find a new girlfriend.

He deserves to be dragged through court in a humiliating fashion, what a nasty piece of work.

There's absolutely nothing to be gained by you taking him to court. They're not going to take away his PR, they're powerless to force him to turn up for contact, but it might end up with you being forced to make DD available.

It's way easier to just stop organising contact and wait for the (very unlikely) time that he takes you to court. If you can show that you tried to offer him contact but he repeatedly blew you off you won't be in any worse position.