Are my consequences fair

[Mildredthehubble]

Dd16 and can be a bit challenging at home and school. Defiant, rude, unhelpful etc.

she is obsessed with going to gigs & I cave into pressure and get her tickets.

When she won’t do homework or plans to get suspended at school so she can come home or is really defiant I threaten to sell tickets for next gig. It’s the only thing that works and gets a response.

On one hand I am manipulating her to bend to my will but I am doing it as I think homework/doing what she has promised to do is for her own good. Also, she shouldn’t get a reward if misbehaving.

I’m doubting this strategy at the moment. I’ve only done it a few times but I think the pressure of GCSE’s are getting to her and I’m wondering if I’m being unfair. She’s been bought the tickets so should I be holding this over her?

Btw, I can’t get her to do any revision either.

sorry if this is a bit rambly. I’m trying to maintain a good relationship with her at a crucial time in her life but feel like I’m failing massively

should have said as might be relevant. She is adopted and I think this makes me a bit soft on her. I sometimes feel she doesn’t really care about us as a family and I probably spoil her a bit to try to make her happy.

Stop buying her things she doesn't deserve. If you have them, she'll behave temporarily to get what she wants then reverts to previous behaviours. There's no incentive to continue to behave. I'd be more inclined to say that next time she wants tickets, you expect to have seen eg no detentions or a continuous effort in homework or helping around the house. Buy the ticket as a reward, but if she's an arse, don't buy them at all.

I'd reverse it so that rather than taking away something you've already bought (stick) you use them as a bribe to get her to do stuff in the first place (carrot).

For example, offer her £5 or whatever for each week she has a good week at school. £5 for each week she does all of her homework. £5 for each revision session. If she behaves herself she'll be able to buy lots of gig tickets. If she doesn't, she won't be able to afford them. She's nearly an adult and this mirrors real life more closely.

Why does she want to get out of school so badly she is willing to get suspended?

I think I’m really conscious of ‘deserve’. lots of her friends get a lot materially and don’t need to work for it. I don’t want her to think because she’s adopted she has to earn it. I think this makes me give mixed messages. I’m always going on about working. She has a part time casual job (blows the money on shein as soon as has it so doesn’t use for gigs) but I also buy her things or give her money when she doesn’t deserve it. I just need to be able to put some clear boundaries in and I’m struggling

She just wants to be home where she can’t get into trouble. That’s her words. She’s avoiding conflict. Been pretty quiet for years at school and now is so defiant. I think it’s anxiety.

Good idea. Often a ticket will come up and she’ll do that classic of sending me texts with demands I buy them.
mum
mum
?
?
?

she knows I’ll give in and you’re right i need to flip it

That’s contradictory, you say she is trying to get herself into trouble to get home?

She gets your love unconditionally because she's your daughter. She doesn't get presents because she's is behaving badly. Obviously I don't know when she was adopted and that's your business, but you need to try and stop thinking in those terms - if anything, that's more divisive than if you'd given birth to her and upheld boundaries. My dad is adopted so I am aware of some of the issues that come with that (from a 'child's' perspective). She's of an age where you can explain to her that you love her but you are now raising a young woman not a child and if she x, y, z, then you will x, y, z. It doesn't make you unkind, it makes you clear and consistent.

If nothing else drop all this "deserve" nonsense.... that language alone is problematic.
Your child deserves the world.
You also need lear consistent boundaries right now it sounds like you make various empty threats both you and she know you wont really enforce and she still goes???

I also think doing it in reverse is preferable and you just say
"Ive realised threatening to take away something i already got you is wrong (and it is). Going forward you'll get cash each week for x and i will put in a gig kitty and I'll mind it and you can use it on what you like.
I want to be really clear this change is to do with me realising what I was doing wasnt optimal and also because as you get older I want to prepare you for adulthood because that is my job.
I get katie and emma get X but your friends parents are doing them no favours... while its nice now as adults unless their parents are very wealthy and can keep this up they'll struggle.
This is nothing to do with being adopted and everything about me wanting a good happy life for you"

Also I dont get why you dont just remove phones / screens for 24 hrs like everyone else...

Sorry if I’ve not explained it well. Her safe space is her room so she wants to be there rather than school. She doesn’t get into trouble at home and doesn’t really want to get into trouble at school either so she is defiant until they have no option but to suspend her. She doesn’t see that as a punishment. She sees suspension just as a way to get home.

Also, lots of what she does is illogical

@Mildredthehubble simply say ‘one more suspension and she has made the decision that she no longer wants the gig ticket and for it to be sold. Suspended = ticket sold, completely her choice if she wants to go to the gig or not!’

It’s really simple. Currently I’m doing the same with my 14 yo who wants her hair part-dyed in the Easter hols. I’m not keen on it but it’s something she MUST have apparently. She’s been a bit rude on occasions recently so I’ve simple told her that if she continues to be rude that she is choosing not to have her hair dyed because it’s not logical for someone to spend money on the person they’ve been disrespected by. So it’s her choice how she’d like this to play-out. So far it’s working. She’s also been informed not to ask for anything in future until she learns how to behave to others. I’ll stick to this and she knows it. You must set your boundaries of what you’ll put up with.

That’s really helpful thanks. I used to remove screens. Stopped when she was 16.
My DH is good at boundaries but she’s smart enough to come to me.
This current behaviour has only been for last few months but it’s at a critical point and I wanted to nip it in the bud before college

Also no screen time for 24 hrs makes a lot more sense if she's skipping school.

No tv, no internet, no phone All. Day. Long
Buy and give her gcse / AS revision papers to do and review them with her.

Those are her options school or at home and she can revise.

You say you threaten to sell the tickets, but have you ever actually followed through?
Personally, I prefer immediate consequences and then move on, rather than threats anyway, but if you do resort to threats you absolutely have to enact them, otherwise you're wasting your time.

It sounds like your daughter has deeper problems though and maybe some counselling to get to the bottom of them would be a better course of action.

I think you're tying yourself up in knots a bit here OP. It's perfectly normal to remove privileges or treats when a teen behaves badly.

Op, you ARE her mum whether she's adopted or not. "Actions have consequences" was always my mantra with my dc
Remember they need boundaries/structure/discipline to make them feel secure/loved.
Ps
my adopted one is still at that young wonderful age and I'm dreading her being filled with hormones in a few years 😂
Good luck honey. You've got this x

I think you need to explore what’s going on to make her so desperate for that safe space

I've not needed to as she always responds to the threat. She does know I will follow through

So there have actually been no consequences?