Maintaining distance from adult stepdaughter after years of false accusations

[pombearmum]

Hi, I’m just looking for some advice.

When my stepdaughter was 11, she came to live with us full-time. At 16, she made a number of serious accusations against me, saying I mistreated her, which wasn’t true. A few months later, it happened again, and this time my in-laws got involved, believed everything, and cut me and my children off.

After that, I decided to step back completely and have no involvement with her. However, I still kept getting dragged into things and blamed whenever something went wrong in her life.

Now she’s an adult has admitted several times that she lied to other people, saying it was due to jealousy of my children. She says it upsets her that I don’t speak to her or include her, but she’s never properly apologised to me or explained this to me.

I’ve kept my distance to protect myself and my children, especially as the whole situation caused me a lot of anxiety during an already difficult time in my life. I worry that if I let her back in, the same pattern will happen again.

At the moment, I keep things polite when I see her, but that’s it. My in-laws no longer speak to us, and my priority is protecting my children.

Has anyone been through something similar and managed to maintain boundaries or no contact?

If she is an adult now, I'd have a very honest chat with her. Explain how incredibly painful and stressful it was for you to be accused of such things, how it has caused a continuing rift in the family, and that if she wants to heal that rift she needs to take responsibility and explain to the family that she was lying and why - maybe in writing, in very clear terms. And she needs to apologise to you and acknowledge the damage she has done to family dynamics.

If she did that, I'd be inclined to feel a lot of sympathy for the child she once was - feeling ousted by the new family - desperate to accuse you of something that legitimised the pain she felt you had caused her by creating a new family with her dad, that sidelined her.

I'm sorry you've gone through it, too @pombearmum

All I can say is not to underestimate the importance of protecting your peace. You deserve not to have to be around someone who isn't even decent enough to say sorry.

I’d expect SD to have an honest conversation with her grandparents first and explain that she lied and why first. It’s not OP’s job to invite more communication between them, and I wouldn’t trust her not to lie again so definitely don’t have a chat without witnesses. If she was remotely sorry she’d already have apologised.

Hard disagree with all of this

I would absolutely maintain distance in your situation @pombearmum until SD took some proactive steps to undo the damage she's done, like confessing that she lied. But TBH even if she did that, I would find it very hard to trust her again and it's impossible to have a close relationship with someone you don't trust.

Do not give her an inch, don't include her in any events as that'll be her pretext to make up more lies. Stepchildren tend to accuse everybody for their ruined lives except their parents who caused all of the psychological damage. Your actions are correct, don't be fooled by sudden desire to connect for the sake of your children and your sanity.

Have to agree with this. I told a number of dangerous lies when very young due to being abused at home, with police involved etc. Explained all this on a different thread, but was basically hoping someone would care about me instead of abusing/neglecting me for a change.

As an adult and having been to therapy, I feel so so so guilty and awful to this day about it all. Nothing ever came of any of it, because I was lying, but it could of and that's what eats me up. I had time to reflect on what I did, as a now adult, and apologised profusely to those it affected at the time. The only way it worked was that they also apologised to me for the abuse and in particular the neglect that the lies were rooted in.

My point is that as an adult, she has every responsibility to apologise. There's being in a bad situation, then there's spreading malicious rumours as a result, and thats a line that was crossed irrespective of age. Yes, she did it because she was a child in a bad situation, and thats understandable. But even for her own sake, she should apologise for what she did and the impact it had on everyone else. She will find it hard to heal from this mess if she doesnt, and so will everybody else. Talking it out really does work especially for things in the past like this. Its a burden nobody has to carry anymore if you're all just open and honest with eachother, providing support to her to speak and listening to understand.

You can do this with her and still have no contact afterwards, if thats what you want. I think it just would be very healing for everyone here to get closure on the situation.

I could have written most of your post. My SD was a liar from 12, now 22. Constantly lying about anything including me. My inlaws don't speak to any of us. I personally cut myself and my children (1 being her half brother) off from my SD when she was 17/18. My husband still sees her once every few months. I think even if I got an apology from her, I would never trust her. Distance would definitely still be kept until I would see a change in her. However, I don't think this would ever happen.

Protect you always. What a shit way to be treated. Don't feel guilty about the distance.
maybe that might change but I wouldn't trust her trying to rewrite the past maybe?

The story changes every time even when she was stood there accusing me she kept back tracking and saying I said this then some boy said it then it was me again. If I asked her to sit down and tell me what it was I was ever ment to of done she won’t know. Because it’s all lies. If it was really that bad she would know exactly what it was I was ment to of done.

I can’t even bring myself to have any sort of relationship with her. I think too much is still expected of me from her and due to the hurt and anxiety it’s caused me my wishes should be respected by everyone. I respected hers all the time she lived with us and before and after.

Absolutely @pombearmum it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to make her feel better, particularly when she is not accepting responsibility for her horrendous lies

Until she apologises to you and is honest to your inlaws she doesn't deserve a relationship with you. Actions have consequences and however she's been let down by her parents doesn't allow her to treat you so appallingly.

I dunno - she was a child when she did this, probably upset that her father had moved on and got a new family.

Depends on a way what the lies were. You say they were never investigated, so I assume it wasn't criminal behaviour she accused you of? Just being unpleasant?

Maybe, in her opinion at the time, you were? And maybe her perspective has shifted now she is older?

Without knowing the nature of the accusations, I think it's hard for us to comment.

Personally I would prefer as harmonious a family set up as possible, so if I could get over it, I would. But it's up to you, obviously - no absolute right or wrong here.

Sounds like OP has a harmonious family set up, though. She's happy. Her kids are happy. Why change that for an adult woman who apparently doesn't even know the word sorry?

Anyway, I'm a firm believer in people adding value to your life in some way. I can't think of a single benefit for OP to opening this can of worms again.

Do you mean your DH doesn’t see DSD unless you are there? Can he not just meet her and have an independent adult relationship with her, without involving you at all?

I feel very sorry for her to be honest. I wonder if your husband wasn’t a very good dad to her if she says she felt like he wasn’t a good father when your baby came along. I would be devastated if my dc said that you ne. The fact that she lived in multiple different houses too. It’s not your fault, your husband should have stepped up to sort this out years ago. Her accusing you was clearly a cry for help. I think he should be the one dealing with all this and sorting everyone out. He sounds like he barely bothers with her now if he only sees her when you’re there. I’d love to hear her side.

Hope you get things sorted, can’t be nice for you or her.

He probably just wants a witness in case she tells more lies?

You do right to keep your distance OP, trust your gut. Be polite and everything but she would need to acknowledge she was dishonest.

My DH has two teenage dd’s and since turning 13 both have caused no end of issues for us (aimed at me). Everything was fine (I’ve been in their life since they were 4 and 5) until their mum and my
dh fell out and the girls noticed that it benefited them immensely to play one off against the other. Unbelievable how manipulative teenage girls can be. I keep having to tell myself that they are young and haven’t formed the skills to see other peoples Perspectives and to understand natural consequences. But wow they have managed to cause so much damage, it’s saddening.

She has form for moving in and then making accusations against those she lives with. There is no way on earth I would trust her or try to change my relationship with her. The next accusation could be against one of your children so you need to protect them and yourself.

Sort of similar yes, I did basics in the end and refused to be alone with her and my daughters also refused. The allegations were to me in the beginning and that didn’t get the reaction she wanted she moved to my dh. Biggest difference is my in-laws are on our side