Please help pre teen attitude

[Baker123]

I am really struggling at the moment. I have a pre teen girl who just talks to me like dirt. We end up arguing which then in turns causes me and my husband to argue. I try to discipline and take her phone or electronics but she doesn't seem to care. She hates it when me and my husband argue but can't see that we end up arguing because of the attitude and tension in the house.

I feel like I am to blame because she has never gone without, she has a sport she loves, trains multiple hours a week which costs a lot of money and involves losing of small trips to get her there and back as well as weekends travelling for competitions. She doesn't understand that it's because of me she gets to do all of this, I pay for it, organise the trips or extra sessions and do majority of the trips to get her there. If she wants something most of the time she gets it, may not be straight away and she has to wait for Christmas or birthday, as they are so close together if she wants something in the summer we encourage her to buy it herself or if its over a certain amount she has to pay half and we pay half. She is an only child so does probably get more than some friends, as they all have siblings and a lot of them, their parents are either not together or only one works. We both work full time in quite well paid jobs but I feel like maybe we have ruined it for ourselves.

I have today told her that I will only now be doing the necessities and no longer the luxuries. I will take her to and from school or medical appointments but if she wants to go to the sport club she has to find her own way there as I am tired of being spoken to like it and having no respect
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My husband thinks I am wrong, doesn't help she is a real daddy's girl and although she can give him attitude it is nothing compared to what I do, and if we do end up bickering she will ALWAYS side with him. It gets me so frustrated when I do pretty much everything for her and he does nothing, I understand he works full time and can't be here as much whereas I also work full time but from home and flexibly. I have to take time out of work everyday for school runs, I take all my leave in school holidays (not complaining, this is the case for most working mum's) I do majority of the shopping and cooking and all the laundry. He will help with the tidying. It's as if my job is not important and because they are good and flexible they expect me to change my hours to suit everyone. I hate my job but cannot move because it is so flexible and quite good pay but it is making me miserable.

I just don't know what to do, at the moment there are times I just want to run away and not come back or sometimes and I hate to admit it but I feel like it would be better if I'm not here at all. I cannot cope with it anymore

First of all, I think you need to accept that this is normal to an extent. She is dealing with a flood of hormones and big emotions and a lot of life transitions, presumably coming up to the end of primary and start of secondary. You can’t rise to it and make everything a battle.

Giving her everything she wants is never going to be the right strategy, but nor is punishing her for having big emotions she doesn’t quite know how to handle. Keep her busy. Don’t take stuff away. I have a now young teen and the best thing has been a sport she puts a lot of time and effort into. There will come an age when a lot of them do a lot of hanging about the park, vaping, spending hours on group chats, getting more and more anxious and depressed. Keep her busy to steer clear of that.

We absolutely get the attitude, but it’s short lived and she apologises quickly. Because she isn’t just sitting around marinating in it. She knows she value her and support her interests and she doesn’t get time to wallow.

Also model it. You aren’t arguing with your Dh because she’s forcing you too. You’re arguing because you’re a grown woman who is struggling to self-regulate and deal with a stressful situation. Imagine how much harder it is for her at 10, 11, 12 when she hasn’t had the practice and life experience and the brain development? You need to model what you want to see.

Be firm and direct with her, but don’t go arguing and issuing poorly thought through punishments and taking everything out on the people around you. No, she shouldn’t be acting like a twit. No, she shouldn’t be rude. But you don’t get that from shouting and telling her not to do it. You get it from showing her how it’s done. I put a lot of emphasis on repair. If I say and do the wrong things, I apologise. I make things right. I explain to my dc how I got it wrong and what I should have done instead. My dc still get upset and annoyed with me. We still argue. But they calm down for 20 minutes and then come apologise and talk to me calmly about the thing. That’s the outcome you’re after.

Don’t spoil her and give her everything she wants either. There is a fair balance. The sense I get is that you shower her with everything she wants and expect her to be easy because of how privileged she is. But that isn’t how it works. It needs to be sensible and fair, but also you need to set her up to not fail, model the behaviour you want, don’t put adult expectations on her (like being the cause of you and dh arguing). And some of it, is just accepting it’s a life stage and you need to pick your battles because this is a tricky age and they do pop out the other side.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling OP. Parenting older children and teens can be very challenging.

Excellent advice from @mindutopia

Is it realistic for your daughter to get herself to and from sports training etc? If not then I'd think carefully about going down that road. It's a really positive thing in her life, if you effectively take that away then the consequences could be huge.

I'd also add: remember you don't have to engage when she's rude. It's really hard to do I know (and it might take a fair bit of practice) but you could either just ignore her totally or have a stock phrase you use along the lines of "I can see you're not ready to discuss this right now, I'll come back when you're calmer and ready to talk"

I'd also say try and find some opportunities to connect with her in a more positive way, even if you don't much feel like it at the moment.

More generally, it sounds like you feel taken for granted by your husband as well as your daughter? Can you initiate a calm conversation with him about how you balance household responsibilities and also agree a joint approach to parenting?

Are you doing any stuff that's just for you? It's important to look after yourself as well as everyone else.

I would like to add that it's not because I can't control my emotions, we argue because it is me that takes the brunt of the outbursts and he sits quietly and doesn't discipline. After an outburst on Saturday, I took myself away to read in my room, he took her to Asda to get some shopping and she come home with sweets.

She isn't exactly spoilt, yes she gets a lot but she also has to do chores and help around the house to earn pocket money. If she really wants something and it is not close to her birthday or Christmas she will buy it herself. I am a strong believer in making them understand the concept of money.

I spend a lot of quality time with her, we often go out for lunch or spend the day out such as national trust places so it is not as if I just buy her everything she wants, she gets a lot of my time and attention too.

The one thing I never want to do is take away her sport, like you said a lot of preteens/teens are roaming the streets drinking and vaping but she would much rather be at her club then doing this and the friendships she has built are much stronger than those she has at school. However there has been the odd occasion where she has been awful that I have not allowed her to go. (This would never be the case if she has a competition or anything important coming up) She has changed her behaviour for a little while. It seems to be the only consequence that has any effect.

It doesn't always turn into a screaming match, I quite often just walk away and try to ignore it after telling her that it is not okay but it just doesn't work.

When it does come to the time of the month, I am actually a little more lenient than my husband as I totally get it, I try to explain that I understand but it doesn't excuse being horrible to others.

I have never felt like such a failure at anything as I do being a Mum.

To be honest, between working, housework and running around for her sports no there isn't much time leftover

@mindutopia gives an excellent steer.

@Baker123 Try to remember that just because you have an only child and you are of sound financial standing, doesn't mean that your child is showered with gifts.

The benefit to being an only child is that they have their own bedroom, accessibility to private schooling is easier as you just pay for one not two, you can have more extravagant holidays as you have fewer flights to pay for and can book a single room for the entire family, they can participate in more after school activities (sports, amateur dramatics, musical instruments), etc., they can have tutors for the 11+/GCSE/A-level, they can go to university and not have to graduate with massive debt as you can support them, you can give them a deposit for a house, you can help your grandchildren with all of the above, and they dont need to share the house they inherit when you die.

None of that relates to being able to shower your child with gifts - which actually devalues every gift you give them.

Giving her a virtual birthday in summertime because she is born in Dec/Jan works best when it is intentional and allows an outdoor celebration or trip that is not possible in winter, while preserving the magic of the birthday feeling with a celebration, cake and blowing out candles. Just simply saying that she can buy something herself doesn't achieve that and it's too early for a child to have access to significant sums of money at their disposal.

You mentioned that she has a smartphone. Have you utilised all parental controls? Does she have WhatsApp/Insta/Tiktok? Does she keep her phone in her room overnight? Only children who are girls often rely more heavily on digital relationships and influencers so are more susceptible to lookism and cyber bullying, which can affect their behaviour to their parents. It may be worth auditing this and ensuring that you keep the phone overnight.

There can be friction in a couple over differences in parenting approaches. Try to decouple this from your daughter's behaviour and agree on a parenting strategy with your husband. Then as a unified couple, implement that strategy consistently and calmly in parenting your daughter.

I would suggest reducing the focus on lavish spending and increasing the focus on engaging with her in conversation as a person and instilling in her the values that you believe in. This will help her to understand the mission of the family and to feel an integral and important part of the team.

Her body is big now but emotionally she is still the 9 year old she used to be. She has no sibling to talk to you, so that has to be you and your partner. Ferrying her off to sports training and competition every hour god sends is great and keeps her busy but it is no substitute for building a deep and meaningful relationship with a child.

All is not lost! You are not a bad mum. It's redeemable with a few tweaks.