Long time lurker first time posting. Have always found these threads helpful.
Sorry this is so long, tried to keep it as succinct as possible but clearly these things have a habit of leaking a bit!
Just looking for some advice on how to balance my increasing disdain for my openly misogynistic, frustrating ex partner, with health issues meaning I sometimes struggle to look after our lo, and somewhat intertwined family dynamics. Have 2 children toddler and teen.
About 10 years ago we were in a situation where it became evident if I tried to ' fight back' he would stop at nothing and convincingly lie to get his own way. I chose not to 'battle' ( as many people know from exp they will go all out to crush what they see as an opponent, with no thought for their children's wellbeing). We are not together, do not live together,
however he visits children here regularly/ whenever, does some pick ups, occasionally helps out if I am too unwell to function and we do some things together with the children . The children are close to his side of the family, I took them there for years when he didn't speak to them and he will take them fairly regularly now. I csnt keep pretending to get on with him in front of his family anymore, just no motivation left to keep sugar coating our relations, I will often be the one organising presents and cards for his side. Keep almost mentioning things to his family which I'm better off not saying - there is no purpose in me sharing my difficulties with him, it is just a sign it really is time to increase the boundaries between us.
Our oldest has very mixed feelings towards her father, but does love him.
He is largely loving and nurturing towards the children, and the youngest adores him. He has, over 14 years, learnt many lessons about how to control himself better re the children, but those previous mistakes have shaped our older child's memories. It may be too little, but it felt at the time the best I could do was teach that this is an adult who has problems with self control, that these are red flags in the future to be aware of, that I would stand up to him if needed on behalf of her. I have done that. I have to live with this ambivalence - maybe it would have been better to completely cut off contact from my side and have him take whatever amount of custody of our older child he desired at the time ( he would have stopped at nothing to ensure this happened), but the other part of me couldn't have had a moments peace knowing she would have had to deal with him alone 50 percent of the time with no other side presented than his version of events. It is difficult enough for an adult to face that yet alone a child.
strangely, our daughter says she had the perfect childhood , I did so many other things with her and tried to keep it fun and balanced and adventurous.
She has, fortunately been incredibly resilient and actually does seem to be aware that some of the behaviours and attitudes she has witnessed are red flags for the future . This is why for many debating what to do, i dont think it is as simple as LTB....
If I wrote down some of the things he has said and done I already know how they would sound. He can be a nasty, enormously hypocritical, uninsightful, narcissistic, domineering, disorganised brute.
I am not the perfect parent, despite having ideals I would say there are ghosts in the nursery which mean I can occasisionaly be snappy, but I always apologise and explain why that wasn't ok, what I should have done and how I will try to do better.
I don't know where the balance lies as I do worry if I'm stretched too thinly I may end up being more snappy than now and this too could have a lasting impact on my children
He continues to belittle me, be disrespectful and openly misogynistic whilst doing some practical, helpful things.
I need to disentangle our lives so after 15 years I can finally begin to live my own life but struggle because there is noone else to help when I'm unwell.
In all honesty, it also means a lot to have the occasional break from the monotony of day to day life with lo, as we can't afford to do much and health issues mean I struggle to maintain reciprocal friendships, esp with a toddler and teen to bring up.
I have struggled with people pleasing and assertiveness for most of my life and think I am most likely Neuro divergent.
There are a few practical elements which need sorting too - which would require a month or two of time and effort to work on. Eg selling a car in my name which he has been using.
Perhaps just hoping to hear some stories of people who had to disentangle their lives in a gradual way , whilst also having health issues and the obvious struggles of solo parenting children with a large age gap.
Thanks for reading this far!