Am I Being Unreasonable?

[MommaBee1]

I work on a Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and my partner works on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He works full days, so leaves for work around 10.30am and gets home about 10.30pm. We have a 1.5 y/o son together. This leaves just 1 day for us to spend time together as a family. My partner feels he doesn’t have enough time to see his friends and it’s important to him, so normally 2 nights a week he’ll go and see his friends and will get home around 1am. I know what you’re thinking, no he’s not cheating on me, we have eachother on Find My iPhone and he often sends pictures when he’s at his friends house (I don’t ask for them). He would normally go out after work at the weekend and would say it’s because he’ll be home late anyway and I normally go to bed about midnight. Aside from this, he normally goes out on a Thursday around dinner time. He doesn’t drink and will mostly watch/play sports with his friends. It bothers me when he tells me he’s going out, especially at the weekend because although he’s only home around 2 hours before I go to bed, I look forward to seeing him as I’ve not seen him all day. He expressed he doesn’t feel it’s excessive going out 2 nights a week when he has a child, but because he also works every weekend, I feel like I hardly see him. He doesn’t see this from my perspective. I of course don’t want to stop him seeing his friends, but 2 nights every week feels too much. Thoughts?

Can you go out twice a week too or would he have a problem with that? If he would then obviously he is BU.
personally I think 1 night a week each to do a hobby is reasonable, but if you mean he goes after work when he wouldnt be home until around 11pm anyway I do see his argument. However I suppose he’s then tired the next day so probably doesn’t get up and help you with you toddler, or spend any time with you then, which he could since he doesn’t start work until 10.30. so that would probably annoy me.

it sounds like you don’t feel prioritised though and like you’re maybe a bit lonely
more than the issue being him going out.

Well there was a week I had to go out 2 nights midweek, one of them being a hairdressers appointment and he wasn’t happy about it as he “wasn’t getting any time to himself”. The only day out the week he watches our son on his own is a Tuesday as I don’t work from home this day, so it feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth when he goes out twice every week. It definitely feels like we’re not being prioritised and I probably do feel a bit lonely.

I think that’s your answer then really. He needs time for himself, but he thinks you don’t, or maybe he doesn’t really think about your needs.
going out is important to some people and if that was the case and you each got equal free time then it makes sense, or even if the disparity wasn’t quite so vast, but clearly that isn’t the case. I think this happens a lot, women often centre the child and the family and men continue to centre themselves. If you are worrying about him, your dc and your family, dc think about themselves (obviously, that is normal) and dh thinks about himself, then no one is thinking about you. No wonder it feels shit.
he sounds selfish so I don’t expect he’ll change but if you wanted to try I’d probably focus on discussing that you feel lonely and you’d like to connect more with him/have some family time (or time to yourself if that’s what you want) rather than commenting on his two nights, because I suspect he’ll get defensive.
if he spent the rest of the week wanting to spend lots of time with you and being attentive to you and dc I imagine the two days wouldn’t bother you as much.

Agree with the PP. I don’t actually see anything wrong with two nights a week but you have to BOTH have them. He can’t say he needs them but sulk if you want to do the same. Also, he doesn’t start work until quite late - can you have nice family breakfast together those days, of lunch together on days you WFH? I agree completely about the importance of having both family time and couple time, but that doesn’t have to be evenings. My DH and I used to love a sneaky breakfast in a local cafe one morning a week after dropping DC at nursery and school and before starting work.

You need to start going out just as often. Even if you just go sit in a cafe by yourself. Will probably the end of your marriage though.

The thing is, I’m not really interested in having two nights to myself a week. As he’s out the house until around 10.30pm for the nights he’s working and my son goes to bed at 7.30, I have that time to myself. I just want us to spend time together as both a couple and a family. It feels sad that I have to push for this.