I need help to stop shouting at my spirited toddler

[MamaByTheOcean]

As the title says I really want to reduce shouting at my almost 3 year old as I’m terrified I’m going to damage her emotionally. It was something I became aware of I did a lot last year and I tried to start the year fresh and reduce it massively just to situations such as emergencies/dangerous stuff but it’s just not happening and I feel awful for it.

she is a very lively/spirited child. Always loud and bouncing off the walls, testing boundaries and a massive sensory seeker so we have a lot of touching everything, things going in mouth etc.

I will preface this by saying I have been though a huge trauma in losing my dad a year ago after his cancer worsened and I went to therapy after as I felt I was snappy with my whole family but then my sessions ended as I only get so many via work so I am now looking at starting it again privately as I feel I need it. I also lost my mum in 2021 and my in laws don’t really bother with us so we have next to no family support just nursery helping with childcare whilst I work. I’ve also recently been diagnosed with ADHD which I think doesn’t help either but I’m at the very early stages of sorting medication and learning how to cope with things. My husband and I try to give each other a break to do hobbies or fitness etc but it’s tricky with work and both of us being a bit burnt out.

i love my little one so much, she is my whole world and I just want to be the best mum I can be to her. Would really appreciate any advice, please be kind to this mum trying to be better.

I think a lot of this is habit forming you need to step back and reset.
I have 2 under 2. I had 3 serious surgeries (heart) in a 10m period with a 3 and 1 yr old a sick mum, dh facing rendundancy, while working FT as breadwinner for a big tech who were firing people like its going out of fashion. I get it.

I try and ask "so what?" more and really focus of finding the fun amd playing int heir world.

My epiphany was my dd being a dick about bedtime and putting random shit in the laundry basket...
Instead of losing my mind and boring myself to fucking death nagging A-gainnnn
i was like "so what?"
And instead of the usual I made the laundry basket a clothes monster who gobbled things and spat out non clothes "bleurgh! BURP!" we farted around doing that for a while.

Now both kids like to take thier clothes off and tidy them into the laundry monster... Om-nom-nom indeed.

I actively focus on fun. Teethbrushing etc is all non negotiable when mummy says no its a no...
But we do "deals" a lot...
if you brush your teeth we can have a bedtime disco deal?
If you tidy your toys quockly we can do 5 more 5mins play before bed...deal?

My kids also know they are "the boss" of playing. Mummy and daddy are the boss of most other things...

This is really great thank you!

If she's sensory seeking then give her stuff for that. There's a ton of things now that caters for sensory seeking.

Bounce, spin, textures etc. turn over cupboards to her with toddler friendly stuff in that aren't toys. Re arrange rooms so she can't reach windows. There are even climbing frames for ND kids that can be installed in bedrooms.

Embrace the stuff that does your head in.

I think some of this is habit and some of it is being overwhelmed. Can you take anything off your plate? Eg outsource work like upping nursery hours or get cleaners, food delivery that sort of thing if finances allow. Or lower standards at all like could you hoover a bit less, do more slow cooker or simpler meals or anything else to reduce your workload. Basically, Are you working effectively with the time and resources you have.

then think about the things that make you shout, I had to think why is this behaviour from dc bothering me so much. A helpful way to think about it is to ask yourself what do I think it says about me if they’re behaving in this way / not listening to me.
and again take things off your plate, does it really matter if she touches things or puts things in her mouth (assuming she’s safe obviously).

if I’m feeling myself getting annoyed I often grab my dc and give them lots of playfully dramatic cuddles or tickle or kiss them or chase them or something they think is funny, it diffuses everyone’s tension.

i also try to think how nice it is that my dc are comfortable to be ‘naughty’ because I was definitely too scared to misbehave and I don’t actually think that’s healthy.
sounds like you have so much going on at the moment, so also be kind to yourself, if you stop shouting and then shout once, it’s not a failure and it doesn’t discount the hard work you’re doing, it’s just a work in progress. As long as you’re working on it that’s what matters.

sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time. As a mum of older kids plus very small kids I think it’s ok to shout at older kids but toddlers really are just babies and if you need a break take a break. They’re literally incapable of being the grown up here. You’re the grown up. Find someone to watch the child or put them into nursery if you need some space. Good luck.

I agree with the first poster. My plan is to let him do the silly things so when I do say no, he listens (very vague plan 😂) Like if he wants to take 5 separate items upstairs and put each one individually on each step all the way up, I let him, as its harmless really.

I'm sorry you've had such a lot going on, you're doing a wonderful job.

If you have ADHD then it’s really likely that she has it too. She’s too young to be assessed but you can do things to help and you’ve had some great advice on here already.

Some of the things that you’re likely to do to help manage your own symptoms will help her too. So make sure she has a high protein breakfast, exercise like a trampoline, you can get small ones for the house, swimming or running around the park will all help. Introduce meditation too. There are some guided meditations for DC on YouTube.

But you really do need to sort out the shouting before the anger becomes part of who you are and how you operate each day.

I have a very angry M, notice I don’t refer to her as DM? Our relationship is almost non-existent. You really don’t want that for your DD or for yourself.

There’s two elements, firstly manage her environment and don’t set her up to fail. So if you know she will pull xyz down put it out her reach. If she tantrums doing the supermarket shop get it delivered. Look at key triggers and see if there’s an easy solution.
Secondly adjust your mindset if you know she’s going to kick off/ do something irritating prepare your self and tell yourself it won’t last . Like if she sees some shampoo bottles on the edge of the bath and runs to knock them over say to yourself she will do that, I’ll pick them up and tell her not to do it. Thinking rationally calms the situation.

oh and lastly one thing that worked for me if I was really struggling was speaking on a silly voice, you cannot shout when you are putting a silly voice on

Thank you everyone for all the replies. I think I was feeling very burnt out and emotional after a week of solo parenting and it definitely wasn’t as bad as I was feeling it was. Since getting it all out on here I’ve had only 1 instance of shouting at my little one since - when she ran out the restaurant towards a road, which feels good.

Do you think there may be a bit of not sorting things out so that she succeeds rather than fails? So maybe giving her the choice of holding hands or having her reins on as you’re leaving the restaurant or just scooping her up and holding her for a bit of you’re paying and a bit distracted?