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Handling difficult behaviour from nearly 4 year old who hits and defies

5 replies

LittleMG · 28/03/2026 19:57

My little boy will be 4 in May, he is a stroke surviver and has partial paralysis on one side of his body. I’m not even sure if this is relevant. he does not have learning difficulties associated with this.

DS is becoming increasingly more difficult. He’s lovely at school and when my family look after him but for me he is hard work. He’s better for my husband (his dad). Some examples of things he is doing:

Tells me he hates me (sort of joking?)
Hits me
throws things, sometimes at me
makes a mess by just throwing things on the floor
does something I’ve just told him to be careful of or not to do, basically disobeying on purpose for a laugh.

however is is also extremely loving to me and can’t sleep without me, tells people he only loves me and is glued to me always wanting cuddles or picking up.

Now I know a lot of this is normal kid behaviour but I don’t know if I’m parenting him right. if he hits me I say ‘no, we don’t hit’ and stop his hand. If it’s repeated I make him sit away from me for a minute or go in his bedroom for a minute or so. I tell him ‘no’ all the time, that it’s unkind. I try to keep it to few words ‘No, that hurts mummy’ I get him to apologise (his older brother can sometimes go through it too).

Tonight he tipped a bottle of juice over the sofa and floor and when my other son told me little one just laid at the bottom of the stairs screaming. I told him I was very upset because I’d worked all day tidying up (I did) and I took him to bed as he was clearly very tired. He screamed until he fell asleep.

Can someone please tell me how to handle this because I really feel like I’m getting it all wrong. I feel like I am putting in boundaries, I feel like I am giving him consequences.

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 29/03/2026 08:12

I’m sorry @LittleMGi don’t think a lot of that is normal behaviour for an almost 4 year old.

Almost all DC will have realised long ago that hitting isn’t socially acceptable. Could he be doing it through frustration? Does he have SaLT following his stroke and how does he score on this simple progress checker

JoJoUK29 · 09/04/2026 19:57

Hi, are you still struggling with these behaviours? Sounds to difficult and honestly, the hardest thing is getting the right balance of compassion and boundaries. Parenting is hard!

rootsandwings89 · 11/04/2026 20:04

Hi Op - I could have written this post myself. My DS has just turned 4 and I’m losing the will to live. Like some of the ones you mentioned, examples we have are:

tells me, DH or DD he hates us
tells us to shut up
hits, kicks and pinches and doesn’t stop when we tell him to
if we ask him to apologise, he puts his face in our face and says sorry through gritted teeth, normally starts repeating the same behaviour within a matter of minutes
will repeatedly talk about what’s annoyed him or made him angry
very reliant on his toys and will scream for ages if he can’t find them
refuses to eat most foods
wont sleep unless I’m in his room

he is also very funny, loving and he is mostly a very sweet lad. Preschool say they haven’t seen any of these behaviours so it must be because I’m his safe space (how wonderful)

we are wandering if it’s ADHD as I have recently been diagnosed and DD is on waiting list. But I also feel like I’m not getting it right, I’ve tried everything to help him regulate himself, talking gently, being stern, using time outs, none of it works.

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rootsandwings89 · 11/04/2026 20:06

He’s also started saying things over Easter holidays like “I’m going to kill you” “I’m going to put you in the bin” “I’m going to smash your face”. we absolutely don’t talk like this, he likes marvel and we wander if this is where he’s picked it up? But we’re very worried and so upset we are going to speak to his teachers when he’s back at school next week.

Rowgtfc72 · 11/04/2026 20:11

My dd was lovely until she turned 4. We dont really discuss that year, she was an absolute horror. As she neared 5 she suddenly turned back to the lovely girl she had been.
Not sure if there's a mental or physical growth spurt around this time.

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