Any support for respite childcare as single mum with autistic toddler?

[Togapart]

Hi,

I am single mum to 2 toddlers, one of whom has recently been diagnosed with autism. My relationship with their father broke down almost a year ago when my youngest was just 6 months. I moved out with the kids to my hometown which is quite far from where I was living with DP. Initially we were trying to mend the relationship while living apart, but I have no energy left to keep fighting and I've made a decision to properly separate. DP isn't on the same page but I need to be strong this time.

Anyway, things are really tough. I work part time and topped up with UC. DP has finally agreed to send a regular sum monthly but it is minimal. Going through CMS would just aggregate him at this stage.

I used to be fairly health conscious. My diet now consists of sugar and coffee. I've put on 20kg since my first child was born. I've lost most of my hair and no longer leave the house without it covered. I have spinal issues and knee issues which are getting worse due to the weigh gain and inflammation inducing diet. Any skin care regime is out of the window. I've been sleep deprived for more than 2 years. I have no time or energy for hobbies or even to read. I don't see friends or socialise. I have a wonderful nanny who helps me a lot. I pay her much less than she deserves and she helps out when she can allowing me to take the kids out, and occasionally letting me catch an hour sleep.

If I was able, I'd pay my nanny for more hours and use this time for my self. But at the moment I can only really use her when I work. My local nursery has refused to take my autism daughter and since I don't drive, any other nursery will be a trek to get to. The nanny is working very well with my daughter at home also.

My child's autism diagnosis is recent and although someone mentioned applying for DLA, I don't think it's the right time- she's very young still and I don't know how much additional needs she has compared to a neurological toddler. I also have very little evidence to support any application since.

I just wondered if there was any way I could get a little rest/respite/relief? Ideally funding for childcare to allow me to reset once a week maybe? I have no family nearby.

Thanks for reading.

I don’t meant this to be rude but Im not sure why you would ask for money or support from anyone else before asking the father of the child? Why does it matter if your ex being asked to contribute towards the child he made, annoys him?

you also seem to be eligible for government help in the form of DLA but also don’t want to take that, why does it matter if you don’t know the full extent of the support she needs? You never know exactly because it will keep changing as she grows. Right now she’s been refused nursery which means you need to pay for a private nanny or travel to a different private nursery, thats the evidence you need to demonstrate costs and need.

is she not eligible for childcare funding hours as well? You can use those with childminders usually.

you can ask for a foster carer to take children for respite for a few days or weeks, I imagine your HV or gp would be able to point you in the right direction for this. It may also be worth speaking to your gp about other support too.
good luck

Gosh OP you’ve got a lot going on there and I’ll try and help where I can.

Firstly, you say you don’t want to aggrevate your Ex. Is he abusive? Are you scared of him? I recommend using a Court approved app for all communication with him and then blocking him
on everything else. After that, go through CMS. He needs to pay for his DC.

And you definitely need to apply for DLA.

If you have a look on the SN section I think there’s a long running thread on DLA waiting times, which I understand are long. The supportive MNers in the SN Section should be able to answer your queries on what you’ll need to do to apply

Have you spoken to your HV yet too? She should know if there is anything like Homestart or Gingerbread locally to you. These may be able to offer some support.

And I know that these things can be overwhelming, especially when you’re already a single parent with a ND DC but they’ll all really help you on the long run

fgs apply for DLA and put in a cms claim.

parenting two toddlers is tough, parenting two toddlers one with autism is even tougher.

if you have an autism diagnosis there will be stacks of paperwork associated with it. If you have the nhs app then it’ll be on your dc’s account. The gp will also do you a letter basically printing out the diagnoses etc for the child.

this is what DLA is for please apply.

Check if Home Start can support you.

You can request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the children with disabilities team for DD. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. Depending on what you mean by spinal issues and knee issues, you may want to request an assessment of your own needs. There may not be anything suitable, but it is also worth looking at your local short breaks offer.

Request an EHCNA for DD. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Some LAs have early years assessment places for DC who are going through or need to go through the EHCNA process. Check if your LA does.

Apply for DLA. If DD has been diagnosed with ASD as a toddler, she will need care in excess of what typically developing peers need. On their website, Cerebra has a helpful guide. You can use the diagnostic report as evidence. I presume you have previously spoken to your HV? You can use that as evidence too. You can ask the nanny to write a report (like you would get information from a nursery).

Applying for DLA will also mean you can get 1 or 2 (depending on the rate of DLA) additional elements on your UC claim. I assume you are claiming UC?

I presume your nanny isn’t registered so you can claim back some of the costs from UC? You could ask her to. You may find even with travelling expenses for nurseries further away, you are better off because you can claim some of the costs back.

Are there any childminders locally?

Is the nursery that refused a place a private nursery?

Is DC’s DF self employed? If not, I would ignore him and go via the CMS.

Do you have any plans to learn to drive too OP? You know that this is going to improve your life massively unless you’re lucky enough to live in a city with great public transport?

And whilst you’re doing everything else, like looking after the DC, sorting out DLA and CMS you do need to look after yourself too. I know it’s easy to say but having a poor diet, inflammation and pain isn’t easy an easy way to live either

The father should be paying for his child, even if it annoys him.

Thanks for your responses. I wasn't expecting for the state to pay where their father isn't. Their father isn't a high earner, and it's been difficult to get him to pay for things while we lived together.

Regarding DLA, my child has only just been diagnosed. When I suggested to the nanny that it was suggested I apply for DLA, she laughed. I just think my child might be too young /it might be too early in the process to be making an application for DLA. And the paperwork and evidence someone referred to isn't a lot. A couple of SaLT appointments, and a very vague consultation letter outlining the diagnosis.

I know this isn't the right place to be reaching out, but I am really struggling. We had another difficult night. My second will only sleep with me on the sofa and it's making my back issues worse (I have disc bulges and had an annular tear during my 2nd pregnancy). Just feel overwhelmed and very very tired. My nanny is away for 2 weeks and I'm struggling to leave the house without her.

Ignore the nanny. DD is not too young. It is not too early. It doesn’t matter DD has only just been diagnosed. DLA isn’t based on diagnosis. It is based on needs. You can use the SALT reports and diagnostic reports. You can use any correspondence with the nursery that refused to admit. You can make SARs to the HV &/or GP.

Why will DC2 only sleep on the sofa? Is it suspected DC2 has additional needs too?

As you moved away from their father to be near other family can’t they help out to give you a break?

Second child is meeting all milestones and is generally an east child. But he's a terrible sleeper (both are).

I didn't move to be near family, just back to the town I grew up. I have no family living here. Also family consists only of a elderly mum.

100% this. My DS hasn't even been diagnosed yet and I'm applying for him because his childminder sees his needs. You've outright been told she can't attend a nursery because of her autism. That and an actual diagnosis are gold dust at that age

You don’t say how old DS is, but can he communicate why he will only sleep on the sofa and not e.g. in your bed with you? If you don’t suspect additional needs, it may be difficult in the short term, but I would persevere to get DS in bed. It will help your pain levels.

I totally agree, I would completely ignore the nanny and get the forks filled in. I know it can be daunting but you do need money.

Is your ex self employed?

Is the toddler old enough for school nursery? They can't refuse to take a SEN child and can help start the EHCP process for additional help at school.

I understand the reluctance to start DLA application, as it is easier to explain the needs once they're a little older and the differences between them and peers widen (all toddlers need constant supervision, so it's hard to explain how much more intense it is). Maybe you can find a suport service to help fill the for, as they'll be more experienced in finding the right words to express the situation. Once you've done the DLA, you'll also become eligible for disabled child & carer element of UC.

Forms not forks

you'll also become eligible for disabled child & carer element of UC.

That would depend on the rate of the DLA award. The carer element would only be included on the UC claim if MRC or HRC DLA was awarded.

Apply for DLA. We are on a waiting listing for a diagnosis for my four year old but you claim at that age. If your child is anything like mine he definitely has higher needs than the average child. We are applying for it.

Why can't they go to nursery? My son attended a nursery from two and a high. Admittedly he hated it and is now attending five mornings a week at a school nursery. He is autistic enough that there is some doubt if he will manage mainstream school but he enjoys nursery. They also help with his speech as he only really says a few words.