Not a good mum.

[pinkflower223]

I have a ten month old, and I’m really struggling, he’s grumpy a lot of the time very fussy and just hard work the last two months, the last month poor guy has struggled as 5 teeth came through at once so I don’t suppose that must have felt pretty awful. But I can’t say I have immensely struggled, my patience is so thin, I shout I cry, and then I hate myself for it for so long after, the mum guilt is immense, the intense fear that everything I do or say or potentially do wrong could have some catastrophic effect on who he grows up to be, and that may be slightly dramatic, but being a mum in this day and age is hard, I look after him all day everyday, I’m self employed and work along side him and picked up an extra evening job as we are currently saving to buy a house to escape the rental market we are currently in, and it’s hard so unbelievably hard, I feel overstretched and overstimulated all the time, I get the Sunday scariest as I dread the week and how it’s gonna go, I miss just having days alone and I crave it so often, I don’t want to be an angry mum or him to remember me like that, I just don’t feel like I’m cut out for it sometimes, I’m not maternal I love my son but I’m not the ideal candidate for a maternal mother although I try, I’ve done everything I can I’ve reached out to doctor, seeked therapy albeit new, got him in at a nursery for one day a week just to take the edge of, I feel like I’ve advocated for myself and him in the best ways but I still feel like I’m failing him, and then he’s absolutely besotted with my mum his grandma which I love but he is so much happier and will cry if passed to me, he only wants to be around everyone else but me, and I know it’s probably my fault, or maybe I’m overreacting but I find it so hard, it feels like he doesn’t like me which is so silly as he is a baby.

Oh, OP, he loves and depends on you more than anyone. Perhaps he seems more excited to see others because of the novelty.

I am really in awe that you are managing to work alongside looking after your baby. In your shoes I would increase nursery hours, if that's at all an option. I know that I would not be able to look after a baby all day (while working??) and then also work evenings. I think I would actually drop dead of exhaustion. I know you're saving for a house, but unless this is a super short term scenario (like you'll only be working evenings for a few months) then I'd pull back on either the work or the childcare. It's just not possible to do everything. You'll run yourself into the ground.

I'm so sorry to hear your having such a time of it.
It sounds like you are doing incredibly well with such hectic circumstances. Agree with previous poster, you are their everything. But I have an 8mo and have had times where I've felt that "they just want anyone else but me" "everyone else can calm them why can't I" and it's like a knife in the chest, but the reality is that when they settle with or go easier to others it's because a. That person is firing on a million times more cylinders because they haven't lived your day and are coming into the baby sphere fresh and b. The novelty of that new other person, it's someone different in the room and different means interesting. Knowing all of this on a rational level doesn't how ever mean it's any easier.
I don't have any advice sadly but I just wanted to jump in and say that your not alone with how your feeling. Take care!

Can you give a bit more of the load to your partner? (You mention "we" are buying a house, so I presume you aren't a single parent?)

We can all get overwhelmed, and in those moments its time for our partners to step up and take on a bit more of the load so that we can recover. And likewise for us to do the same if they need it.

Maybe have a chat with him, and any other childcare (e.g. grandparents) about how to arrange your time so that you do get a bit of your own time to recover.

You are in control of your time and how you arrange this though, so just keep working with the people around you, and keep altering and changing your routine/schedule/approach until you find things that work for you and your baby.

You're doing too much. I know you’re trying to save but working alongside looking after a baby just can’t work for most. Maybe if you had some angelic baby who was happy playing with whatever toy you passed them, never had teething pain etc but that’s not most babies. I found it stressful enough when on mat leave just trying to keep on top of basic house stuff, I’d have crumbled if I was trying to work at the same time. My advice is pay for more childcare or cut down on work hours.

You can’t work and look after a baby at the same time. You need more childcare.

I see this time and time again. OP says they are struggling with a baby or young child, turns out that they are working and looking after them at the same time. It isn't possible to do this, it was wrong to normalise it during lockdown and even more wrong to go on pretending that it's normal.

As much as I get saving money this poor baby needs real childcare for when you're working.

You need more help and support.
You need this because you have become overwhelmed. Working and taking care of a baby at the same time isnt possible.
And its definitely not ok to shout at an 8mo.
Something needs to give.

You need to use more childcare. I went back to work at 10 months; nursery 3 days a week. It has massively helped my mental health and my energy for parenting.

Where's the baby's dad?
If you are working AND looking after a baby no doubt you are frazzled.

You need to stop shouting at an 8 m old.
Put them in a cot and leave them to cry and give yourslef 10m to get it togehter if needed. Do not scream in their face.
As isolated incidents its not big deal but as a regular thing it is. Its very scary for them and as you'll know jist makes them scream more.
Either go for the endless shushhhhh ing or go for fun / tickles and give their hands a nibble or round the garden on their hand. (Just try it.... I gave up and leaned in at somepoint and it surprised me. My dd was bawling and would NOT sleep. I gave her hands a nibble vs screaming which I wanted to do! And she had a giggle i had a laugh she relaxed and eventually dropped off 10 mins later.

You really do need some childcare.

Can you look at accessing the 15 free hours?and using taxfree childcare or UC childcare (which is shockingly high)
That will give you a bit of a break. Childminders are a good option at this age.

Nicely you need to take a big breath and calm down.
but you need some space too (ie childcare) Look into doing 15 mins relaxation before bed (i say this as someone who can be an uptight perfectionist) its not a miracle cure but it does incrementally help. So do those annoying selfimprovement audiobooks and podcasts

Thanks everyone for the comments, I’m lucky in the sense that my job is very flexible and doesn’t require a whole lot of brain power or even time really as most is remote and just as and when, and then occasional heading out to source items, so granted most of my time is still given solely to him, and we get out regularly, we’re always out and about doing things, walks, soft play, parks, we do regularly get out, which helps as parenting outside I find so much easier, but even then i definitely feel overstretched.

i know you shouldn’t shout, and i definitely beat myself up for it massively, I just get extremely overstimulated not that, that is an excuse.
but i appreciate all the advice, we’re lucky in the sense we’re entitled to 30 free working hours, i chose to only opt for one as likely previously mentioned the mum guilt is real, but maybe that is something to look into.