How to help DD set boundaries with dependent friend in Year 5?

[IP1975]

Hi - tricky situation at school.

DD2 is affable, bright, and reasonably well-liked.

There's a less popular girl "X" in class. DD2 is friendly with her. X has had some challenges and has few friends - except DD2.

If DD2 was blissfully happy and they were soulmates, I wouldn't care. But increasingly (we are talking Y5) it seems like X is dependent on DD2. I think DD2 would like to have a range of friends but other kids have distanced themselves from the pair of them. So DD2 now doesn't really have a social life.

We (unlike other parents) have clearly succeeded in encouraging DD2 to be decent to an otherwise lonely child and can only admire her loyalty. We, more than other families, rallied round the parents to help them out when X was struggling. And in an ideal world, everyone else would rally round too. So good for us, but there's a limit.

The worst of it is I think X has some pretty nasty behaviours developing. I think she manipulates and isolates DD2; I pick up tones of "we" don't play with them (but DD2 wants to), "we" don't like them (but DD2 does), and "you" have to wait and sit with me at lunch. Not "hey, please can we sit together at lunch" but "you have to sit with me". It seems instead of trying to meet the world halfway, X is coercing DD2 into building an exclusive friendship that doesn't suit DD2 at all. But X is getting exactly what she wants out of it.

I think DD2 is sad and burdened by this. I don't want to torpedo X, but also I want DD2 to have some boundaries and X to understand them - for both their sakes.

What the heck to do, and how? Is this a school problem?

my DD is YR5 too and I plant loads of seeds in situations like this and try to build self-worth and resilience. I make up stories too about when I was a kid! Possibly not the best parenting but it’s worked for my DD. So in your situation, (all done very casually, only when DD mentions things) loads of “we all get to decide who we are friends with” “as long as you’re polite, it’s totally ok to tell any of your friends you want to play with your other friends instead” or say things like, it’s good to have lots of different friends too. I would definitely be pushing back on this kids answering on your DD’s behalf too!

Then just generally & in every day life, I say lots of things about autonomy now, like last night I was telling her about my mum and the phrases she used like children should be seen and not heard. I went on to say that these days, lots of children get a say in how they would like things to be.

Letting her know she’s her own person with thoughts and wishes will build boundaries for her.

Thank you

Unfortunately, in teaching our dc to be kind to everyone, we sometimes inadvertently teach them to allow others to override reasonable boundaries. That’s something you might need to work on with your dd.

This is true.

But also, I don't think it's entirely on us or on DD2 to address the controlling behaviour.
I am sharing all this with safeguarding lead at school. Should I expect them to do anything with respect to X behaviour?

It's where this goes beyond "2 kids with few friends, happy in each others' company", to coercive control.

You can share whatever you want with safeguarding, but unless they believe it to be a safeguarding issue, they won't and aren't obliged to do anything. Do remember you are hearing things from only your dd's perspective. The teacher might be seeing things from another angle. I wouldn't go in with 'coercive control' from the outset. Share your concerns but be open if the teacher offers something different.

Invite the kids she wants to be friends with for play dates without X; sign her up to cubs or brownies, things outside of school where she is not engaging with X.

I would have a chat to the teacher, talk about your concerns and ask him/her to encourage other friendships. I wouldn't describe it as a safeguarding issue or use the words 'coercive control' about a 10 year old child - this kind of possessive behaviour over a friend is very common at this age.

Can you arrange play dates after school with some of the other girls? Does DD do any after school activities? These can be excellent at widening her social circle.