Not coping

[nowayho]

I have 3 kids (8,6,4 months). Obviously everything was going good until the 3rd came along. She’s brill and rarely cries etc, but everything has gone to shit.

The house is disgusting. MIL comes up 2 hours every week so I can tidy, but it’s still horrible. I’ve got about 10 piles of washing to put away and probably 20 piles of washing to wash.

I’m being a really shit parent to my older 2. I went into town with all the kids to get ice cream to treat them and go shopping etc. I couldn’t find the ice cream place so I was panicking in case the baby woke up because I was taking so long. I ended up getting really snappy with them and I ruined the trip.

My eldest was annoyed this morning because I don’t have certain socks clean for her. I don’t even have matching socks for myself, let alone certain ones clean for her.

My middle gets really stressed under pressure. I was asking her to get out of the car quickly as another car was coming. I wasn’t horrible but she ran and tripped up the kerb. She wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t rushed her.

Call from the school to say I’ve forgotten oldest’s swimming kit.

Holding middle ones party this weekend. Nothing is prepared. It’s in the house and it’s a shit
hole.

Parter is working full time and also doing a degree to get a promotion. He’s working on his laptop sometimes for a couple of hours in the evening because he has to send in work every week. He obviously helps and is brill, but it means that I can’t do the stuff I need to do (clothes away etc) because the baby wants to be held or someone needs feeding, or they can’t find something or blah blah. Just constant.

I’ve coped really well until now, but today I thought what a shit Mum I am. Don’t know what I’m expecting from responses but I feel like I’m ruining their lives because of the 3rd baby.

You need to be kinder to yourself for a start. You have a huge amount going on.
It sounds like you need a reset. Would it be an option to ask MIL if she can stay for a few more hours so that you can get on top of things and feel like you're more in control? Or is there an option to pay for a one off clean to get things sorted? I'd also recommend just letting things drop a bit. Easier said than done I know, but life will feel better for it. I hope things feel better soon.

Can you partner defer their degree for a few months? DH had to do something when we had a baby.

Would a sling make things easier? I couldn’t be doing with them, but DH had one plastered to him for all of our kids, worked well for him getting stuff done.

@Senmum2026
Unfortunately he’s not able to defer.

His work are paying for it & he’s tried to get on the course for the last 2 years but they didn’t have the funding, so it’s a now or never thing. It just happens to be the worst timing ever.

When he’s at home he’s doing his work or looking after the kids, cooking, building furniture or whatnot. It’s 100mph for everyone and I just want to jump out of a window (not really, but you get the gist 🤣).

@JijithecatI do need to be kinder to myself really. I am trying my best, it’s just that my best isn’t good enough atm. I just don’t see how I can keep on top of it all.

Good idea about getting MIL to stay longer. She’s so good, so I’m sure she would. Baby is breastfed as well, so it’s a bit of a nightmare having to feed in between trying to sort everything. Maybe I’ll see if she’ll take a bottle while I’m busy & perhaps that could free me up a bit more.

It feels hard because it is hard, not because you’re not good enough.

Agree to asking MIL to come more often / longer if she can.

If you can afford to, get a cleaner. And don’t feel guilty about it. We have a lady that comes every two weeks… my house is still a mess but I know all the dirt is a maximum of two weeks old now 🙃 And the peace of mind is great because I know it will be sorted so I’m not stressing myself out over tasks I can’t fit in. I literally never clean the bathrooms now, it’s such a relief.

Okay, just breathe OP. I think a lot of parents feel like this when they add one more DC into the mix (particularly #3 - I remember my DB and SIL saying that everything was fine until they had their third and then the wheels totally came off!)

20 loads of washing is a lot. Can you sort it a bit into urgent and less urgent piles and stick a few loads on today? Put baby in the bouncer or on the playmat while you sort and fold.

As for the house being a shithole, what do you mean by this? Are the surfaces covered in crap, laundry everywhere, floors and surfaces dirty? Can you get someone to come and watch the baby for a bit - preferably taking him/her out for a walk - while you blitz the place as best you can?

Going forward, can you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

@nowayho you just need to get the house sorted for the party. Once that’s done, you’ll feel more in control. Ask MIL for all the help she can give you until then.

My kids are 17 and 14 and I honestly can tell you I’ve never been on top of the washing. I make sure they have their uniforms and they must tell me if they plan to go anywhere else and what they’d like to wear - I check it’s then clean and ready for them. I only can catch up in the school holidays.

Just do what needs to be done for the next few days at a time, and let the rest go. Work on chipping away, rather than the full job. And teach yourself to remain relaxed (you love your kids, it’s just the logistics that come with having them that’s a nightmare!) and tell yourself ‘it all gets done in the end’ - this works for me!

School demands seem are continuous though, I use a free App called countdown. I add every date I need to do something to that, and it reminds me the day before. Since using it, I’ve never missed anything and the great thing is, I never have to remember anything either. I highly recommend this for parents with primary school age children.

Good luck!

It feels hard because it is hard, not because you’re not good enough.

This^

You have a 4 month old baby. Remember when you had your first and everything revolved around them and at 4 months it still felt hard!

it’s very important that children learn they don’t have to be perfect and the best way for them to learn that is to see their parents make mistakes or struggling to juggle things.

that’s what I always told myself anyway 😳

you’re doing great, you’re running on fuck all sleep. Hopefully the weather will be good for the party so the kids can use the garden

You're doing a wonderful job. Things feel hard and out of control because, well, that's what babies do. They're hard work and all consuming and we all sort of forget just how hard those baby days can be. And you're essentially solo parenting 3 kids, for understandable reasons, so it's going to feel terribly hard.

I agree with a previous poster that said get MIL to help and set up the house for the birthday. You'll feel better if you do that.

I had 3 under 6 at one stage, DH was setting up a business so working 12-14 hour days and I remember just sitting and crying one afternoon that I didn't want this life anymore. The house was a mess, no clean clothes for anyone and a velcro breast fed baby to boot. Even getting up for the school run half killed me. No family support, and no money to pay for it either. After a rather spectacular meltdown at DH one Sunday, he started taking all the kids out for a walk and staying out as long as baby would allow so I could at least attempt to get some washing on and he would then sort out the drying/folding when he got back. Strangely I felt calmer if we all at least had clean clothes

That 1st year was unbelievably tough, OP, you're not alone. It does get better. Hold in there