Tips for successful playdates

[Learninghowtomum]

My DD started reception in September last year. She is a summer born so young for her year. She does seem to struggle with social stuff but the teachers say she is improving at school. We’ve had a couple of classmates over for play dates but not received any invites back. I feel a bit paranoid about this! I’m not sure if this is to do with what is happening on the play dates or what is going on at school. So any pro tips for how to help ensure a successful play date which I can put in place to facilitate things as much as possible. Or any advice on how to help a 4 year old with social stuff.

Also quite happy to hear I should lower my expectations - maybe play dates just aren’t so common these days! Though I do know other children are having play dates so it’s definitely something some of the parents are doing.

There isn't really much you can do about this. If they want to invite her back for playdate they will, if they don't they won't. Sometimes that will be personal i.e. the other child doesn't choose your child for a playdate. Other times it will be more general i.e. they don't host playdates because they work/have other children/have a small house/just don't want to.

The very best advice I can give you about this (and life in general) is just worry about the stuff you can control. If your DD likes playdates, then have playdates. Invite the kids she wants to play with. There is no point in worrying about what someone else is doing with their playdate agenda.

Is there anything you saw on the playdates you did have that has made you worried about your daughter's behaviour/social skills? Does she share ok? Does she take turns letting other kids lead a game/have an idea or does she boss about? Does she tantrum if things don't go her way? Does she talk to them or clam up? Does she have friends/playdates outside of school?

I'm not trying to cast your daughter in any particular light but it would be easier to give tips if you knew where she was struggling - like maybe she needs more intervention and structured play/activities from you? Maybe some kind of craft set up? Or does she need more hands off, independent play, where she and the friend can lead and you are just in the background?

I don’t think play dates are super common. Yes, when they happen spontaneously, friends from down the road knocking at the door. But organised after school ones, where everyone has to drive and drop off and come collect after 2 hours, not really.

With lots of parents working from home now, certainly in our house, one or both of us is working after school (self employed so this is how we balance our workload and being home for the kids). Even if I’m free to host a friend, I can’t have 2 screaming 4 year olds in the house because Dh is working. 3 days out of 5 I’m driving around dropping older dc off to activities. My youngest is 8 and has lots of friends, very sociable. If I were to guess, he’s had 15 play dates ever in now 4 years of school, both at ours and at others.

If you want her to have play dates though, just keep hosting. Her loveliest friends may have parents who work FT and can’t host after school, but so what? She can still have friends over and that’s great for her.

Any chance that you’re overthinking it and it’s just that the other parents find it hard to reciprocate because they work and/or have older siblings activities to manage in the evenings? My reception age child doesn’t do playdates because they’re just impossible for us to facilitate around other commitments and because he’s in wrap around most nights. His older sister often does weekend stuff, sleep overs etc. on Saturdays with friends but obviously a 4/5YO is way too young for that.

Thank you for all the thoughts 😊 so yes it’s very possible I am overthinking it! I honestly don’t mind if we host play dates and others don’t reciprocate because they can’t due to circumstances. But I worry whether I am pushing something if we keep inviting others over to play and they aren’t reciprocating, I don’t want to make things awkward if in reality others don’t want to come and play with my DD and they feel like they need to think of a reason to say no politely!

In terms of what happens on the play dates my DD can play nicely but also I have definitely seen her be bossy, not share and get super upset when things don’t go her way. As I say I think her social skills are probably behind other 4 year olds and I’m trying to figure out how to support that. I’ve discussed some things I’ve seen on the play dates with her and it has helped sometimes but not always.

My only tip is to always make food that most children like eg spaghetti bolognese followed by strawberries. At that age, I’d also check with parents about what the child likes and doesn’t like. Always a good move to have a small chocolate treat too.

Don’t overthink it. Many parents can’t or won’t host their children’s school friends, it’s unfortunately a lot more common now than in the past (when parents did host, on weekends if weekdays weren’t possible). Many parents prefer to socialise with those they know rather than their dc’s friends parents, again more an issue now as parents are expected to stay so often. Just host kids yourself and things may change over time, especially in the summer eg going with another parent to the park because they don’t host in their house

I think if people are happy to come to yours then probably they have personal reasons for not wanting play dates at their house. If they didn't like you or your DD then they would make excuses and not come.