Am I depressed or just drained from a very challenging baby?

[Bethymum]

He’s 8.5 months and been very difficult since birth due to reflux, milk intolerance, tongue tie and temperament. Now the reflux, intolerance and tie have been resolved but he’s just not a particularly happy baby, very demanding, I think may be ND in the future but it’s too early to tell. The cumulative effect of poor sleep is getting to me too. I am increasingly feeling drained and unhappy, and looking forward to when he goes to nursery. I keep busy, never spend a day just in as it’s not tolerable and I just about get through each day but it’s not enjoyable. I have good support from my family and husband, without that I wouldn’t have coped. I just can’t tell if I’m depressed or I’m just having a perfectly normal reaction to a challenging baby, I don’t want to be medicated unnecessarily. I know none of you can officially diagnose me of course but I just wondered if anyone felt the same and what they did. My friends with babies of similar age are not feeling like me but their babies are easier. Everyone is familiar with the newborn trenches but I’m way past that stage and just about getting though each day.

I was delighted to go back to work at seven months because my baby just wouldn't nap and spent large chunks of the day hysterically tired and screaming at me, just beyond being comforted by breastfeeding or anything else that seemed to turn other people's babies into little angels. My partner was doing split parental leave so there was no sending to nursery mixed feelings (baby went at a year and utterly loves nursery). Being at home with the baby is really hard IMO, I found work restful - I came back recharged to play and care for the baby.

My baby was not particularly hard (not half the trouble you have had) so I would say no wonder you are running on fumes.

Also consider that pregnancy and breastfeeding (if applicable) are both really hard on the body and you can end up deficient in things like iron which will make you feel like shit even without a challenging baby.

I bet a lot of your friends are feeling exactly like you. This really is the trickiest age. Apart from the first 4 weeks when there is no night or day and you can’t remember when last showered, 8-12 months is the worst. They are miserable and can’t be put down because of separation anxiety. You are feeding them constantly between milk and solids. They don’t nap enough to really get a break. It’s not enjoyable at all. And I say that having had 2 fairly easy babies and a wonderful supportive Dh. I just about tossed mine into the door at nursery and went skipping back to work.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you or your baby. Your friends are almost certainly suffering in silence. It’s not an enjoyable phase and anyone who is telling you they are just loving it is kidding themselves.

Thanks for the replies but I don’t believe everyone is lying if they say they are enjoying it, this is why I feel isolated. I see how happy their babies are.

I think the enjoyment for me came in moments rather than days - and always a massive relief during naps and after bedtime! You sound like you've had a particularly hard run of things.
I think there's no doubt a mild antidepressant can be very helpful though in lifting your mood and ability to face each day. That's even if you are drained rather than depressed tbh

Hi Op. I still have PTSD from my first year of motherhood but didn't want to read and run. I wrote a very similar post when my DS was 7 months old and amother at 12 months. In a nutshell he was also a high needs baby, big issues with sleeping and feeding from day 1. Very sensory seeking and always needed movement. Cried a LOT. I always felt my child was harder than average but was often gaslit by people saying all babies are hard. But I always felt there was more to it and it shouldn't be this hard every day. I couldn't hold my baby sitting down. He'd always scream and want to be on the floor or carried and bounced. He was very intense and just 10 times "more" than all the children around him.

I also suspected he was ND early on. He is now 2 and yes, he very likely is ND, and had sensory issues / more sensitive nervous system. Children don't just become ND one day, they were ND babies and often show signs of distress at an early age.

The first year was the hardest. It's still not easy but MUCH better. There is hope. Nursery helped a lot. And also accepting DS where he is rather than where i'd like him to be. I gave up on any typical baby / toddler groups and just do what works for DS right now like running around wild and free in the park.

I also take medication, which helps. I thibk medication might help some people even with a "circumstantial" depression due to a harder baby so might be worth exploring. Get as much help as you can, rest, spend time alone if you can. And remember things can change. I was in a very dark place for so long but things are slowly shifting. You find things harder because your child IS harder. It's not your fault. You'll get throuh this. Feel free to DM if you ever want a chat :)

I should also add i'm not saying your child is ND, but that is something to consider and it's just easier for other to dismiss so not to "worry" the parents, but i find it had the opposite effect. I was also diagnosed with ADHD in his first year of life as i was looking for answers, and in my case this was part of it. As it's highly genetic and DS has traits i believe he will be diagnosed ND in the future. But it no longer sends me into panic mode as it once did. I believe we can be ok, with proper understanding and support.

My DS still has plenty of issues but can now communicate well and really is a JOY most of the time, not something i would have believed even few months ago.

I also agree with PP about checking your bloods, my iron and other vitamins and minerals were very low. I was a mess, covered in bruises, hair falling out in clumps, stick thin. GP didn't help but I had consultations with a nutritionist and targeted supplements helped me. I also take melatonin to help with sleep as i really struggled to sleep as my body was in constant alert at night due to DS waking up so often, and i could never properly sleep and rest even if i was on my own at home when DP took DS away etc. Melatonin helps with this.

Basically i did everything to try and help myself knowing that what will help my DS the most lpng term is having a mum who is well and as sane as possible...

You sound exhausted and drained. Babies are all individuals, just like you are. Some babies are super chill and become nightmare toddlers. Some parents love the newborn stage. Some love the crawling stage. Partly personality, partly circumstance will dictate which bit is harder.

But everyone, and I do mean everyone, finds it incredibly hard at one point or another. I don't think anyone can come out and say the first 2 years of their child's life was piss easy.

I LOVE the toddler stage. I didn't think I would, but genuinely, it's delightful. I hated 7-12 months, it was such hard work, I found him so, so hard to entertain, I was running on fumes, and I also had to go back to work at 7 months so it was all just a sleep deprived blur.

You'll get through it, hang in there.