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Parenting

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Outgoing 5 year old struggles to make friends at school

7 replies

Lokito · 16/03/2026 10:34

My daughter started reception this year. She's trilingual and chose not to speak English at home at all even though my husband and use English between ourselves. We had assessment done by speech therapist when she was 2.5 yo because the nursery was worried. The therapist reassured us nothing to worry about and that she'll catch up. She is catching up now at reception and happily learning English although still behind her peers. She is very outgoing and approaches everyone to chat and play. She's no problem with finding kids to play with outside the school, at holiday camp but she struggles at school. I've seen over and over again her approaching other kids at school and being rejected verbally, not included in play and left aside. We talked to school few times and they said she needs to work on developing her social skills.
My daughter asked me when she can go back to preschool because she misses her friends. I was heartbroken and told her small children go to preschool. And then she asked when she will be small again.
I'm constantly worried about school situation because I see her outside school and even though sometimes she might struggle with English, she's capable of making friends.
I also feel like I'm crazy constantly raising issues with school. They seem to listen to our worries and try to be helpful but I don't see any improvement. I was even considering changing schools but there's no guarantee it will be different.

OP posts:
AnSpideog · 16/03/2026 10:42

I’d try and get the school to specify what they see as lacking in her social skills. They may be able to identify an area you can work on.

In the mean time I’d go hard at it with the play dates. Identify a small group of girls she seems to like, have individual play dates and organise a few group play dates - maybe bringing them all to a soft play center or other activity. This will give her the chance to develop individual relationships but will also allow you to observe her and see what it is that is holding her back.

Smartiepants79 · 16/03/2026 10:44

Are school actually concerned? How does she interact with other children aside from the possible language issue?? In my experience, at this age, differences in language are not actually that big a problem. Many 5 year olds struggle with speech and are difficult to understand even when speaking the same language! This doesn’t tend to stop 5 year old friendships. When school say she struggles with social skills what does that look like?
My experience with very outgoing and ‘confident’ children is that they can sometimes be a bit overbearing and ‘bossy’. Holiday park friendships are very short lived and transient. Negative behaviours are ignored in the excitement of having someone to run round with. Forming longer term connections is harder.

skkyelark · 16/03/2026 11:02

Have you had a proper meeting with school, or just a word at pick up? I would ask for a proper meeting, stressing that your daughter is getting upset about it and asking to go back to preschool because of the friendship situation. You want to understand specifically where she is struggling with social skills, what school is doing to support her in developing them (some schools run groups to help with this, for example), and what you can do.

What specifically is happening when she approaches children at school? Is she asking to join their game and being told no? Is she suggesting her own game and being told they want to play something else?

@AnSpideog 's advice about playdates is also good, both to give her more chance to develop those relationships but also for you to observe and see what skills she might need to work on.

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Lokito · 16/03/2026 12:24

AnSpideog · 16/03/2026 10:42

I’d try and get the school to specify what they see as lacking in her social skills. They may be able to identify an area you can work on.

In the mean time I’d go hard at it with the play dates. Identify a small group of girls she seems to like, have individual play dates and organise a few group play dates - maybe bringing them all to a soft play center or other activity. This will give her the chance to develop individual relationships but will also allow you to observe her and see what it is that is holding her back.

We met with school and they said she needs support with her communication with the kids, how to respond to others, working together and keep friendships going. She includes everyone and is kind but I know she also likes things her way and likes to lead. They gave us books to read about friendship but my daughter wasn't very keen on reading those.
Playdates is a good idea, I will try to organise and see how I can help her this way.

OP posts:
Lokito · 16/03/2026 12:50

Smartiepants79 · 16/03/2026 10:44

Are school actually concerned? How does she interact with other children aside from the possible language issue?? In my experience, at this age, differences in language are not actually that big a problem. Many 5 year olds struggle with speech and are difficult to understand even when speaking the same language! This doesn’t tend to stop 5 year old friendships. When school say she struggles with social skills what does that look like?
My experience with very outgoing and ‘confident’ children is that they can sometimes be a bit overbearing and ‘bossy’. Holiday park friendships are very short lived and transient. Negative behaviours are ignored in the excitement of having someone to run round with. Forming longer term connections is harder.

Her teachers were not concerned. They pointed out in the beginning of school year that she likes to do things on her own and wasn't looking out for anyone in particular, and they expect it will change. It seems to be changing now but she struggles. Sometimes she will ask to join in to play and other times she will start conversation with something like 'look at my jacket, I've got animals here'. If she doesn't know someone, she will say 'hi' and her name.
I think, as you pointed out, it comes down to the behaviour. She can be bossy or too much for other kids. She is one of the oldest and biggest in her class and I understand it can be intimidating for smaller kids especially when she is excited to show or share something. But she's also very kind, looking out for others and happy to include everyone.
I hear what you're saying about language, and it might not be an issue at all.
I can also see the difference now between school and outside school interactions. I saw her yesterday giving PE lesson to 3 other kids of whom she knows only one but I don't think she would be able to pull it off with kids at school.

OP posts:
Lokito · 16/03/2026 14:39

skkyelark · 16/03/2026 11:02

Have you had a proper meeting with school, or just a word at pick up? I would ask for a proper meeting, stressing that your daughter is getting upset about it and asking to go back to preschool because of the friendship situation. You want to understand specifically where she is struggling with social skills, what school is doing to support her in developing them (some schools run groups to help with this, for example), and what you can do.

What specifically is happening when she approaches children at school? Is she asking to join their game and being told no? Is she suggesting her own game and being told they want to play something else?

@AnSpideog 's advice about playdates is also good, both to give her more chance to develop those relationships but also for you to observe and see what skills she might need to work on.

We saw her teacher twice about this issue. They pointed she needs support with communication and responding to others.
When it comes to interactions it's a mix, sometimes she asks to join, sometimes she just joins without asking which might be perceived as taking over, other times she says something out of the blue like 'look at my bike' but other times she would go 'I really like your bike'. She always says hi and bye to the kids but I think she struggles sometimes with coming up with the opening line.
In some instances I will explain and point alternative way of behaving but I think if I do it all the time, it will eventually stop her from approaching others.

OP posts:
skkyelark · 16/03/2026 22:00

How is her back-and-forth conversation (in any language)? Could you have a conversation with her something like:

'Look, DD, it's a nice sunny day'
'Let's go to the park!'
'Or maybe we could ride bikes. Which would you like to do?'
'Let's go to the park! Can we have a picnic?'

How about her collaborative play? The 'PE class' example is very much her in charge. How would she handle it if one of the children had their own idea about the game – 'let's pretend it's lunchtime now!' or whatever? Or can she negotiate 'let's play house, I'll be the mum!' 'I'll be the sister! Jane, you be the baby!' 'No, I don't want to be the baby, I'm going to be the dog!' type situations?

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