10 year old DD challenging phase

[Normandy144]

Struggling to deal with DD who is just turned 10 (year 5) and her behaviour towards me. 80% of the time she can be perfectly nice. I think the pinch points come when she's tired (e.g.close to bedtime) or when there's a stress point e.g. we're trying to leave to go to school/out somewhere or when she doesn't get her own way in a situation. I can issue a simple instruction for her to do something e.g. feed her pet, set the table or time to go to bed etc and she will pick apart every word of what I've said and essentially blame me as the reason she's not done something because either I've not been clear or I haven't asked her nicely (I don't shout). She's not stupid and she's not ND, she never gets in trouble at school and her teachers say she is a nice pupil. She is perfectly capable of following an instruction it seems outside of the home and 80% of the time at home until she isn't. She knows exactly what I mean but will twist my words until I start to question myself. She can be incredibly pedantic. If I respond to reiterate instructions or elaborate on what is needed she will respond to me saying she's talking and I need to remain silent. Yet when I am allowed to talk she will deny things when I state the facts. She won't listen when my older DD or DH corroborates my version of events. It's really affecting our relationship. I love her but I find her very difficult to deal with. The next morning she'll be back to normal.... Until she's not and then she will bring up everything I've ever done wrong. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around her - then she accuses me of acting strangely but I'm just trying to be calm and clear so as not to give her reason to call me out on my actions. Is this just a phase? I don't recall having these issues with older DD or maybe I did and I have forgotten.
Any tips or words of wisdom gratefully received.

If we let children dictate the terms of the relationship, we find ourselves being pulled from pillar to post. This may be frustrating now when she is 10 but when she is 13 and her friends are posting steamy tiktoks chasing followers and gifts, and getting interested in boys, and you want to put some hard and fast operational rules in place, you won't be able to - because she will be the boss.

They need guidance from us. She pushes the envelope a little more than your older DD as their characters are different. So you wil have to take a different, tougher approach.

When she doesn't respond or comply, you have to tell her firmly:
"Sarah, I've asked to set the table and you've not yet done so. If I have to ask you again, I will be depriving you of (whatever she likes) for (a set period). We are a team in this household, and we all need to pull out weight. And that means you, too - and doing what you are asked to do, the first time you are asked."

It's important to follow through on your threat of privilege removal, otherwise she will simply call your bluff.