Toddler tantrums- does it get better?

[Sunnyday2024]

Please tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel!

I'm completely burned out between my husband and I working full time and dealing with toddler twin boys (2 and a half) and their many, many tantrums. My job doesn't accommodate part time or flexible working so we're stuffed that way. We get occasional help from grandparents but not regular, as they live too far away and aren't willing to have them overnight etc.

We're at the stage where everything is a battle (shoes, coats, mealtimes, bedtimes) and one child is up multiple times in the night with hour long tantrums at a time.

I feel like the worst mum in the world as I'm getting so snappy, but it's really hard to keep being run into the ground like this.

I’ve not had DTs and you might want to post on the multiples section @Sunnyday2024as I believe that DTs can bring their own particular challenges?

Tantruming for a hour in the middle of the night isn’t regular behaviour though at this age. Is this something that happens often? How do they both score on this simple progress checker?

I have a dd who will be three in July and we have many of these problems- and have done for around a year. I’m not ashamed to bribe mine at all, they get a chewy vitamin once they have their coat and shoes on each morning and they get to listen to peppa pig songs in the car/pram if they get in nicely.
I also do a lot of “can you do this thing before I can count to ten?”.
Bedtimes I just tend to never give in and what ever they do h just respond with “it’s time for bed” and put them back into bed and have the room pitch black. Mines very low sleep needs (I think) she sleep about 10-11 hours in 24 hours with a good few wake ups in the night.
It can be a really tricky age, my first child was definitely much more relaxed as a two year old compared with my younger daughter.

Apols this is an essay. Hope some part of it is helpful.

Firstly... FT work and small toddlers is F-ing hard so props to you for powering on.
I was almost losing my mind as oldest is so bloody headstrong and defiant.
Feel free to take my learnings after much pain and hardship 😆

I am able to keep my cool now by KNOWING losing my temper or expressing emotion is what they want (little bastards 😅) And I am "winning" at parenting by not reacting....
And no my poker face is fairly perfect if I have to i open a cupboard or turn my back to mouth annoyance or laugh!!! Some of the tantrums were hilarious and v hard not to laugh...

I have got leaving the house down to an art...
We do "competitions" who can do X first / the nicest.

Coats and shoes i just dont argue now. Its their choice. They go out with no coat of thry like and can ask for it if cold.
Shoes again no drama - they get slung in the car on pram and you are carried to car or strapped in. scream all you like choice i am a picture of indifference ... you put on shoes on be carried. Your choice, i dont mind.

I also dont engage much on bad behaviour i say "no we dont throw / smash / whatever "and remove it and say you can try again tomorrow. No therapy sessions.
If they go wild... another thing is removed and we try tomorrow. This goes on.
Within 3 months you dont have to do it.

At bedtime for my 3yo I make it "easy" we use a beeper as a ⚠️ warning and throw on pj's and brush teeth so we can watch a 60 sec youtube cartoon before "the internet stops working" at 7 and with My 2 yo he knows its teeth and then he can pick 2 books for reading before bed.

Hang in there and being really consistent now makes it easier later.
I always give my 4 yo choice.
"You can share the sweets / toy or i will rake it away. Let me know your choice."
"If you keep doing x there will be a consequence. Up to you..."

And if she kicks the door a second time she gets a consequence. I dont get mad or express frustration judt dole it out give her a hug and get back to playing afterwards. No big therapy sessions.

I cant remember the last time she took a consequence I think it was last month. We also use it to teach safety and new skills.

If you go ahead on the road and we cant see you what could happen?
I could get hurt...
So if you do it what will happen.
I will get a consequence
Why?
Because mummy's job is to keep me safe...

This nonsense gets buy in. My child needs the "why"